Taking the time to prepare

I have found that the best way to ensure I have a good day of eating is to plan what I will be eating and make my lunch the night before.  I have tried many times to make a lunch in the morning before heading off to work, but it kills me and I tend to rush through so my choices are not always the best.  I remember times of making a stir fry at 5:00 in the morning.  I can't express how not of a morning person I am, so it's either not enough food or not the right kind of food.  I actually tend to lean on the side of not enough food and then I end up really hungry by the time I get home from work and want to start grazing in the kitchen.  One of the things I did tonight was to brown some lean ground turkey, weigh and measure three-ounce portions into containers and put them in the fridge.  I will add that to a salad, which I have already made for tomorrow as well as portioned out salad dressing.  I'll add a piece of fruit to that and - boom - I've got lunch.  It just amazes me how many meals I can get out of a package when I weigh and measure out portions.  In one package for the ground turkey, I was able to make enough for five meals.  Three ounces is actually a lot and didn't feel like I was depriving myself at all.

I have been on vacation for the last week, so while I'm not necessarily looking forward to going back to work, I am looking forward to getting back to the routine of regular daily life.  I know it's going to be busy at work, but I always do so much better with structure.  During vacation, I tend to eat meals later, may even end up skipping some food because of activities so I do look forward to being more on a normal, even keel.  I'm also looking forward to walking during lunch.  My friend and I usually end up walking 1.5-3 miles, depending on which course we take.  Occasionally I have even gone out alone if she isn't able to go.  The most important thing is that I get out there and walk.  Then, depending on my day, I may also get more exercise at the gym or do some weight training later on in the evening.  I just have to gauge how my body feels.  I have to listen to it.  If I'm in too much pain but have already gotten some exercise, then I need to be okay with that.  I aim for at least thirty minutes of exercise every day in some form or another.  I have had times in my life where I was an over-exerciser, an "exercise bulimic"some have called it.  I rationalized that if one hour of working out was good, two, three or more was even better.  That is a dangerous place for me to be.  I understand that it does not have to be black or white, even in exercise.

For this coming week, I am committing here that I will make my lunch the night before and make a plan for some exercise.  I generally do that, but I want to remember how important it is for me to take good care of my body.  It's the only one I have and it gives me the best chance of being as healthy as possible every single day.  In fact, when I do a good job of planning, I actually enjoy my meals a lot more.  Have you noticed that for yourself?  When I have strawberries now, for example, they are incredibly sweet and delicious.  I never notice how fantastic fruits and veggies taste when I'm not doing well with having nutritious meals.  They don't have to be boring to be good for me.  I spent so many years just not treating myself well with eating junk and I know I deserve so much better than that.  Especially with today being Easter, I can't take sacrifices made for granted.  I have made my own sacrifices, spending a year in the Optifast world and I don't want to lose the significance of that. 

Running the gamut

In the last couple of days, I definitely have been experiencing a whirlwind.  There has been major disappointment, change and facing some challenges.  I feel at times that I'm really being tested by my faith.  How will I handle the things in front of me - will I eat over them or stay in the moment and deal with them? 

First off, I had a major disappointment happen with my worker's comp situation.   Since it's not settled quite yet, I don't think I can go into it here right now.  However, I can say that this whole situation has really made me look at the things I have taken for granted in the past.  You always expect that you will heal from injuries and I am facing the reality that it just won't be the case for this.  It's hard to deal with, especially when I see other people easily able to do things I used to do as well.  It can be small things like writing for an extended period of time without pain, sitting in a chair with no back pain or bigger things like holding a newborn in my arms.  I have a friend who I will be seeing soon that had a baby a few weeks ago and I won't be able to hold her little girl.   Those things are disappointing, yet I'm also grateful that at least I still have as much functioning as I do.  There are always people worse off and I must always remember that.

On the change front, I started taking my new medication.  The doctor is weening me onto it slowly while taking me off another one.  At the beginning of next week, I will be on the new pills full force.  One of the possible benefits of this new prescription is that it had the potential to help with the pain I have been having in my legs.  I'm happy to report that I'm already feeling better.  I still have pain there, but much less than it has been without it in my system.  I also am feeling peppier and getting better sleep, so those are major pluses.  It's always a challenge for me to introduce new medication into my system because I really don't enjoy taking something into my body that comes in the form of a pill.  However, I also take the perspective that at least I have the option to do that.  There are many conditions in this world that cannot be alleviated or helped in some way by medication, so I'm humbled by the fact that at least I get the relief I do.

And now what's left for me to talk about is facing challenges.  I went to my first therapy appointment yesterday.  Oh man, it was tough, but all in a good way.  At first, the encounter with the therapist was a little adversarial and I realized the reason was because we both have the same type of personality.  We were kind of talking over each other so we both stepped back, addressed concerns and then we were perfectly fine.  I didn't want to just spill everything during my first encounter with her.  It will all come out organically, I'm sure.  We talked a lot about what happened when I was on Optifast, what happened after I went back to regular food coupled with medication that made me gain weight and where I'm at today.  I cried a lot, to be honest.  For those of you who are or were on it, I know probably one of the biggest fears you have is what I am living through right now ... how you will feel after gaining some weight back.  Actually, this is true for any weight loss program, not just Optifast.  My feelings of failure, shame, heartbreak and everything else associated with how I have felt came out full-force during the session.  She was incredibly kind and supportive.  One of the things that we will be working through in the sessions is how I can make behavioral changes through cognitive therapy.  She reminded me that there is never an end point to change - we're never too young or too old to make change. We talked about the fact that I have black-and-white, perfectionist thinking.  That is sooo true for me, I mean duh!  That has been with me for my entire life.  I really expressed to her that I am open and willing to try whatever she suggests.  After all, that is why I decided to pursue counseling in the first place.  She did recommend a book for me to read so I will attempt to find it and start working on that.  I won't be able to see her for a few more weeks, but I do have some things to work on before I see her again.  Just going to the appointment and asking for help was a pretty big deal for me.  It's letting someone in and that's rough to do for me because it leaves me feeling very exposed.  That's probably why I've always had a type "A" personality - as long as I'm in control, then I can control my feelings, too.  When I decided that I was going to go see someone, I had committed to myself that I was going to be one hundred percent fully in the process and give my everything to this.  I owe it to myself and to healing to give it that much.  I don't want to go back to 420 pounds ... or worse. 

Finding freedom

I find it so interesting the places and circumstances in which God chooses to send me a message, meaning there's something for me to think about.  It can be in the gestures of other people, meeting strangers or even in the books I read.  That's what happened to me today as I was reading the very confusing and mind-numbing words of the German philosopher, Hegel.  I was trying to focus on what he was saying when a phrase jumped off the page to me.  It read: "It is solely by risking life that freedom is obtained."

I thought about that in the big-picture sense of how it takes big risk to have big freedom.  There are many people in this world that go about their routine without thinking about what they're doing or even finding enjoyment anywhere in the sameness of every day life.  It's wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to sleep and then repeat.   Further, there are people who are overweight, maybe even significantly so, that sit in the hell of that world and are afraid to reach out for the olive branch.  It's right there, within their reach, but it's so hard to grab it because of the fear of the unknown.  I've had those same thoughts . . . What if I try and then I fail?  What if I just can't lose weight?  What if I'm just one of those people who are supposed to be heavy?  What if God really isn't there to help me? 

As I travel down my journey of weight loss and continue making life altering decisions along the way, I often wonder if anyone will ever understand how difficult this is, how absolutely courageous I must be after all to face the reasons why I ate in the first place and how really scared I am sometimes.  I will be starting my therapy sessions on Friday.  I'm very excited to go to this next level in my life of facing those fears, staring them down and dealing with them.  But there's another side of me that knows it's going to be very, very difficult.  There is significant abuse that was present in my life that I never told people about until I was an adult.  In all honestly, I've never really dealt with those things deep down in the place where they nearly broke me.  What I did instead was I chose to go to food for comfort.  Somehow food had become very soothing, like a best friend in many ways.  I suppose that is the case for any person that has an addiction or affinity to something, like alcoholics, drug addicts and overeaters.  Now its time to let it go.

This journey all along has really not been about weight loss and getting healthy.  To a sense, it has been about that because I did want to feel better and be healthier.  But I see that, more than that, this has been more about finding freedom.  Not freedom to eat what I want whenever I want, but freedom to risk having a new life.  A better life.  Perhaps one in which I don't hate my body, where I don't equate what I look like to the kind of character I have.  And especially one where I don't live through the food.  If I can have those things, then the weight will continue to drop off and, God willing, stay off.  This is not easy, which I knew when I began this journey.  No one ever said it would be.  I have to constantly keep reminding myself of that.  Not easy but it is something that is possible.

Supportive circle is so important

There are moments where I get reminded how very precious the people in my life really are to me and how blessed I am to feel their arms around me.  Yesterday, on a previous post and on my Facebook page, I put up a request for prayers as I begin another new medication in hopes that it will help with the depression and pain in my legs.  My Facebook page is a personal page, not associated with this blog, so the people that know me there know me on a closer level.  Although I must say that the things I write about here are very personal so regular readers probably know me well, too!  It was so touching to have so many people reach out to me, let me know they were praying for the removal of the pain and my continued strength to move forward.  I have had people who were supportive who changed their tunes when I had weight gain.  That's disappointing and it has hurt, but the true test is people who will still be there through the tough times. 

I have gotten to see how others view me, not on a physical level, but who I am as a person.  My case in point is a gift a received for my birthday back in December.  It was a small Christmas tree, the kind that comes in it's own pot.  It came with a string of paper ornaments.  On each one was a personal note to me.  This gift, which was by far the most precious thing I received for my birthday, maybe ever, was given to me by my friends at work.  The organizer of this, who also reads this blog (hi special friend!), had everyone in the office of the high school where I work write a personal message to me. The tree is now deader than a doornail, so it was time to let it go, but I kept the string of messages.  They were all such beautiful messages about inspiration, perseverance, my character and just how much I mean to them.  It wasn't just about weight loss, it was so much more.  These are people who have known me over the years, some who have known me for a great number of years.  They have seen me at my heaviest, breathing heavy, sweating because of the excess weight, the out of control diabetes, the attempts at diet after diet, my fight against pain, my triumph over cancer ... just so much.  They have watched me meet challenge after challenge.  They have laughed with me, prayed with me and have encouraged me.  Most of all, they have surrounded me with so much support and love that I certainly could never repay.  The best thing I can do is to continue to move forward and hopefully give to others what they have given to me.

I can't express adequately enough how important it has been to me to have that support because weight loss is an incredibly difficult journey.  It's one thing to lose the weight, but it's another to deal with the emotions that come up throughout the process.  You get to really see how confident you are, how you view yourself deep down inside.  It's a highly personal process.  Sometimes, when I'm writing a post for this blog, I wonder if I really have the nerve to actually post what I've written because I bare my soul here.  Yet I have found that its that level of honesty that helps me be my genuine self and does affect others as well.  So I can't be bothered by the large number of visitors to the site.  Bothered is not even the right word, but just letting the numbers intimidate me into being quiet.  I'm so glad others get something out of my story and my journey.  As difficult as it is right now, I am not hiding out.  This process is not a quick one and it's not a once-and-done proposition either.  It takes sacrifice, commitment and a baring of my soul that I've avoided doing for too long.  It's kind of scary in one sense but absolutely freeing on the other.

The doctor's visit

As I discussed in yesterday's post, I had an appointment today to see a doctor.  At the time when I saw the therapist to talk about a plan of action, she discussed with me the possibility that I have a major depression going on and that my next step would be to meet with the doctor.  At the time, I was feeling good about that but also full of nervousness, too.  This is hard to describe, but when you have your life in a certain mode for a while, you get used to it.  It may not serve you well (if at all), but it's familiar and there's nothing unexpected.  It's sort of like that with weight loss, too - you want to lose the weight so badly yet staying right where you are is comfortable because you know it. 

So I started my day by sleeping in, which I desperately needed.  I shouldn't really say it was sleeping in because I didn't sleep well.  I got up and then ended up going back to bed.  I was meeting one of my friends for lunch before seeing the doctor, so I thought it would be great to keep me at ease.  This particular friend has known me for probably 15-20 years, something like that.  The last time she saw me was in September.  She was on our campus at the high school where I work and she hadn't seen me for several months before that.  In between the visits, I had lost oodles of weight, I had moved offices and straightened my hair that was always curly.  So when she came up to my office, she clearly didn't recognize me and had to look at the name plate on the outside of my door to make sure it was me.  When we were making plans for today, I felt the need to tell her I had gained weight since the last time she saw me.  We've shared a lot over the years of knowing each other through our work and eventual close friendship, yet I felt the need to explain to her about the weight gain, almost as if she would feel differently towards me.  Silly, isn't it?  People who love and care for you will still feel that way, regardless of the weight.  We ended up having a great visit and she told me that I still looked fabulous.  Friends are really the best!

I then went over to the doctor's office.  I actually had a lot of time to spare, so I checked in early and just sat in the lobby.  The nervous nellies were starting to gurgle in my tummy, so I knew having the extra time to just relax was good.  I found an article about Facebook in a magazine before they went public selling their stock (typical doctor's office - the magazine was over a year old).  It was an in-depth analysis of how Facebook became to be what it is, where it's going, etc.  So by the time the doctor called me back into her office, I was so engrossed in what I was reading that the nervousness was gone. 

We began by reviewing my visit with the therapist as well as additional questions this doctor had.  She is a really sweet person and I was glad to be assigned to her caseload.  I knew this was a very clinical visit, so I didn't suppose the questions would be entirely too emotional for me.  Part of my purpose with her was to determine if I did, in fact, have depression and what course of action would we choose for me.   However, when the questions came around to my weight loss, weight gain and how I feel about myself in relation to all of that, the tears came.  There was the analytical part of myself that go so frustrated.  I thought, Geez, are you going to cry at every freaking appointment?  Then the emotional part of me said, So what if you cry?  Obviously there are feelings there and it's really okay to express them.  I was just so overcome with emotion that it took me a little bit to compose myself enough to answer her questions.  She was very compassionate in waiting to let me gather myself and caring in how she guided me.  The weight issues with me go back a very long time, really for my entire life. 

There came a point in her interview with me that most of the talking shifted from me to her.  She explained the various types of depression that people go through, the onset and treatment options.  She told me that based on my symptoms as well as review of my medical records and the visit with me that I am indeed going through a clinical major depression.  I knew I heard her loud and clear today when she said "major".  So we talked about several treatment options, one of which included medication.  She gave me two options.  Both types of medication have the same success rate, but one has a side benefit of helping with chronic pain as well as suppressing appetite.  However, that one is harder to get off of when it comes time to do so in the future.  It will take months for a gradual weaning, otherwise my body will go through withdrawal.  Yet, given both choices, I opted for the one that has the possibility of helping with the pain in my legs.  It will also likely give me lots of energy and help me to get better sleep.  She did tell me that the success rate for these meds helping patients is increased by other factors, such as a regular exercise program but I also have to monitor my blood pressure because it may go up.  She also stressed the importance of individual therapy as well.  I am already set up with that, which will start on Friday, so I'm feeling good about moving forward. 

I begin the new medication tomorrow.  It will start in small doses as I wean off another medication and then will increase in a week.  If you are a person that prays, I just ask that you please include my pain relief in your prayers.  I have been trying to hang in there, but as most to you know, I'm in pain all the time.  I believe so strongly in the power of prayer.  Things have been tough but I'm still here and I'm grateful for that strength to continue to walk through difficulties.  And, yes, I'm still tracking my food, too!

Friend Makin' Mondays: Ten Questions

In my last post, I promised that I would talk about how my doctor's visit today went, and I will, but it's Monday morning and time for something else first: 

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

 Ten Questions

1. Describe the kind of home you would live in if money were no object. I would definitely live in a home overlooking the ocean with a large number of bedrooms so that I had room for everyone that comes for a visit, something like 7 bedrooms.  I would still be living in San Diego because it's my home but walking on the beach everyday would be incredible.

2. Are you more conservative in your actions or more rebellious?  I'm more conservative, with a hint of rebellion.

3. Would you go to Mars even if it meant you could never return to Earth?  Never! For me personally, I don't have a desire to explore other planets. 

4. Name one song that makes you want to dance every time you hear it.  Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO.  It's actually one of the songs on my iPhone that I work out to.  When I'm on the treadmill and it comes on, I am driven to increase my pace and move it.

5. Share one thing that you wish you could go back and do differently in your life.  I'd say probably get involved with my first boyfriend.  He was a very good looking guy that was like poison to me.  Even though it was a negative experience, it helped me really appreciate the value of not judging a book by its cover.

6. Share at least one accomplishment that people wouldn’t expect you to be proud of.  I'll have to come back to this one, nothing's popping up.  I can say that one people know I am proud of is that I'll be walking in my college graduation ceremony in two months.  At 41, I never thought I'd want to participate in that but I will be gladly celebrating the fact that I did it.  Being the first one in my family to have a college degree is a big deal.

7. Describe one delicious thing that you’ve eaten lately. The thing that pops up immediately is part of what I had for dinner last night - salmon.  It is by far my favorite fish and so yummy.

8. If you had a theme song that would play every time you entered a room, which song would you choose?  Hands down, my song is Eye of the Tiger.  I'm a scrappy fighter who does not give up, even when knocked down. 

9. Had technology enhanced your life, or has it over complicated your life? Definitely enhanced my life.  I use it in my job and obviously for blogging.  I've met some great people online that I will likely never see in person but I never would have had the opportunity had it not been for the technology. 

10. If you could get paid to do any job, which job would you choose? School counselor.  It's something I'm actually pursuing right now.  I already work in the counseling department of a high school so I do know what it's like.  Even with all of the demands, I do have a heart for kids.  Maybe less schedule changes, though.  People on the outside could never imagine how many changes occur at the beginning of each quarter/semester.

Down the disposal and treating me right

I am so thrilled to report that I had a good weekend.  In Southern California, we are experiencing a beautiful start to spring.  I'm so sorry for those that are getting pounded by the horrible weather in other parts.  I've felt a little guilty for our gorgeous weather, although we do pay through the nose to live in it!  Yesterday morning I went for a walk with Sara around the lake that we usually frequent.  Her husband was with us for parts of it as well.  We did three miles and then spent some time chatting.  I noticed the pain in my legs was pretty strong in the morning, but that exercise really helped because by later in the afternoon, it was lessened a little bit.

I ran a ton of errands on Saturday, among them was to go and get some groceries.  As I've shared on here before, after I stopped Optifast, I eventually went over to Weight Watchers.  It wasn't right away, but I knew I still needed and wanted the group support.  So, with the program, everything is done on a points system.  You get so many points you're allotted to eat each day based on your age, height and weight.  Each food has a point value based on the amount of fat, carbs, fiber and protein in it.  I track my food by writing absolutely everything down, even if I have something that was a poor choice.  It helps me stay accountable.  It's actually easy to do since WW has a lot of tools to help with that.  For me, it makes me feel more sane than constantly counting calories, fat grams, carbs, etc.  I do weigh and measure my food, though.  Perhaps there will come a day when I won't need to do that but, for now, it's working for me.  When I was at the store getting groceries, I had a little craving for a food I have been trying to stay away from, ice cream.  If I eat it away from home, I'm fine and can stop after a serving.  But if I bring a half gallon or similar container home of it, I am constantly digging into it.  However, I've been doing really well with my food, wanted it and so I absentmindedly opened the door to the freezer section and grabbed an ice cream container.  I rationalized in my head that I would measure it out like everything else.  Sounds like a recipe for disaster, right?

I got home, put the food away and did some cleaning around the house and gardening in the back.  I didn't think anything about that ice cream until I made dinner and thought it would be nice to have something sweet afterwards.  The serving was a half cup, so I measured it out and went on my merry way.  As I had it, it tasted really rich, almost unappealingly rich.  I went back into the freezer and pulled out the container.  It was in absolute shock when I looked at the label for what turned out to be super premium ice cream.  The first thing I noticed is that each half cup serving had 298 calories.  Are you freaking kidding me??  The carb serving was much more than should be in one serving, especially for a diabetic like me.  So I calculated the points value and this one serving was eight points.  Just to give you perspective, my breakfast usually has less points for the entire meal.  So, I promptly went to my sink, turned on the hot water and dumped it all down the garbage disposal.  In that moment, I realized that I deserve better than putting that crud into my body.  If I want a sweet treat once in a while, WW does make individual servings of desserts but I have absolutely no business bringing in ice cream like that.  Seriously, almost 300 calories for just a half cup just isn't worth it.  I am proud of myself for having enough clarity in that moment to get rid of it, though. 

I started out today in church.  I usually go to a Saturday night contemporary service, but I like going on Sundays for Palm Sunday and Easter.  I was exactly where I needed to be, hearing exactly what I needed to hear.  The message was so clear that God loves me so deeply and never leaves me.  Even when I'm going through rough stuff in my life, He still never leaves me, giving me enough strength to handle the challenges that come before me as well as the joy that I get to feel.  Afterwards, I went out to breakfast with my friend that goes to church with me.  I haven't seen her in about six weeks since she's been out of town so we were catching up.  I was talking to her about my upcoming graduation and she told me it would be her honor to host a get-together afterwards since she lives so close to Cal State.  I have worked really hard to get this degree and it's been a very long road.  I want to celebrate that with friends and family, especially since my dad and stepmother are coming into town for the ceremony.  Besides, not everyone wants to sit through a ceremony but who doesn't love a fun little party! 

I ended my day by going for a workout at the gym, did a 5K on the treadmill, and then did strength training at home.  I had a really great dinner that was very clean, nutritious and even tasty.  Who knew healthy food could taste so yummo?  Living in a healthy way is a great thing for not only my body, but for my whole being.  My blood sugar has been perfectly in range and right now I can honestly say my legs are only mildly painful.  Trust me, that's a big leap from the pain I usually feel in them.  Tomorrow is the appointment with the doctor, so I'll report back on that tomorrow night.  I'm not even feeling nervous about it.  I'm just grateful to be moving forward.