Saturday, January 25, 2014

Feeling antsy

I'm feeling a little on edge right now because I'm impatiently waiting to hear back from Azusa Pacific to let me know if they've accepted me for graduate school.  I'm confident I'll get in for the most part.  There's just this tiny little voice saying, "But what if they don't accept you?"  I'm sure it's that part of me that goes back to the days of being last to be picked for a team or not acknowledged for busting my butt on something.  Every time I check the mail and I get something from them, it makes me feel so anxious.  They've sent two letters already - one that they've received my application and are processing it and the second one saying that admissions is done processing it and now it's gone on to the department for the ultimate decision.  It hasn't been that long at all since I sent in my application, so I shouldn't be this anxious ... but I am.

It is having me reflect on my issues around perfection and accepting the gray in life.  I have had many experiences that told me that if I couldn't do something perfectly, then it all just goes out the window.  I was the perfect child with the perfect pleasant disposition.  When I got promotions at work and I was younger than everyone else (not at my current position, but former positions), I always felt like I had to be perfect to prove I was worthy of the job.  I know there are deep reasons around why things have to be perfect.  They have to do with being worthy enough just as I am and really not believing that to be so.

Being abused for a good part of my childhood has left a deep scar that I still battle to heal.  I know the past is in the past, but it takes absolute work and effort to leave it there and not bring it into the present.  For me, it manifests in my weight.  When I was on Optifast, I did it absolutely perfectly.  I think most people who have been reading my posts since then could clearly see that.  I didn't deviate and "cheat" on anything while I was on the products.  I even asked permission to take communion once a month!  All of that fed into my perfectionist self.  I followed everything to the letter.  Then, when I didn't have the safety and security of those shakes and soups in the packets, everything went to hell very quickly.  Granted, I got sick along the way, but I still had the "I have failed" mentality because I didn't do post-Optifast life perfectly.

As I travel on this journey towards the gastric bypass, I really need to embrace the lessons of perfectionism I find myself learning along the way.  There are going to be days that I'm not going to be absolutely perfect on my food.  I'm a human being and we make mistakes from time to time.  However, that doesn't mean one mistake equates to blowing the whole thing.  It just means I get up again and try again.  I never did like doing that when I was a kid.  What if I got up and skinned my knee as I fell again?  Well, silly girl, then you treated that skinned knee but you keep getting up.

I think these are things that I missed given what I was dealing with as I got older, the normal parts of growing up.  I am working at trying to embrace imperfection and being okay with it.  That means my desk can be messy at work without me internally cringing when someone makes a comment.  That means my house does not have to be perfect just in case someone pops by.  By letting go of the need to be perfect, I can also let go of the weight in the same process.  For some reason, it has been my iron wall protecting me from getting a skinned knee.

Water Challenge Day 12: Drank 150 of 186 ounces (perfectly imperfect!)


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