Low-carbing as a diabetic

I spent my day being lazy.  I could have gone out and got some cardio, but I didn't.  Actually, that's not true ... I did spend some time working out in my backyard.  I always forget how tiring gardening can be.  What I did today really shouldn't even be called gardening.  It was pulling weeds.  Let's call a spade a spade.  Gardening sounds much nicer though, doesn't it?  I imagine lovely tulips with blades of green grass.  I have carpel tunnel in both my wrists with tendinitis in my dominant hand, so I haven't spent as much time on my backyard as I probably should have.  The pain is manageable, as long as I don't do too much at once.  Some some weeds are still alive and will be attacked on another day. The combo of my hands and bad back and I just had to call it quits.

I decided to spend some time today working on my food plan.  While I'm in the pre-op six-month educational portion of bariatric surgery, I have been advised to aim for a ten percent reduction in my body weight, although it is also okay for me to stay right where I am as long as I don't gain any weight.  A standard 1200 calories a day has been given to us as a guideline.  However, I always have to remember that I have some unique needs because I'm a type-2 diabetic.  Lately, though, I have been trying to see if eating a low-carb diet full of veggies and protein would serve me better.  That doesn't mean I haven't gotten in any carbs, but only from those that come with the foods I have been consuming.  Needless to say, my carb count has been pretty low.

The problem for me is that I have been feeling pretty weak.  I've been trying to push the feeings away, convincing myself it's just because I'm eating less calories.  Yet I know that the last thing my doctor would want me to do is to starve myself.  So I started looking back at some of my paperwork I've received from the doctor and diabetes nurse educators over the course of the last year or two.  Time and time again the point is made that I should not be avoiding carbs as a diabetic because that's where I get energy from.  Intellectually, I do know this.  I think that sometimes I forget how severe my case of diabetes is.  I have to take oral medication along with injecting insuling.  When my dad was here visiting, he was eating low-carb and he is also a diabetic.  However, I have to remind myself that he's doing it outside the advice of his doctor.  And he does have ongoing weight issues of his own.  Perhaps that's not the example I should be following.

Looking at the diabetic food plans I have been given that were tailored specifically for me, as well as research I did online, it's clear I've been taking the wrong course of action and can explain why I have been feeling so famished.  The dietitian wants me eating 2-3 servings of carbs per meal (up to 45 grams) with a daily goal of at least 6 servings of starches, 2 fruit servings, 2 dairy servings, as well as other guidelines.  When I step back and look at it, it makes a ton of sense as to why I'm feeling so hungry.  When I have more carbs in my diet, I do feel more satisfied with my food.  I used today as an experiment to see how my blood sugar would do.  I added a serving of black beans to my lunch and a serving of quinoa to my dinner.  When I checked my blood sugar each time, it was 115 a couple of hours after lunch and 117 a couple of hours after dinner.  Hmmm, exactly in the zone it should be.  .

Surprise, surprise, I'm not hungry right now.  I feel satiated, which is what I'm supposed to be feeling.  These are novel concepts to most people, but I guess not for me.  I tend to forget I'm diabetic a lot.  Or, I should say, I tend to act as if I'm not diabetic ... I never forget I have diabetes.  It's a disease and is always reminding me that it's a part of my life.  I have to somehow let go of the dieter's mentality that tells me that less is better and that feeling hunger all the time is good.  Sure, I should be hungry when the time comes but not all the time.  It's difficult to gauge when it's physical hunger versus head hunger when I'm not getting enough to eat.  I feel like a child relearning things as if for the first time in some ways.  My goal for tomorrow is to add more starch in, even if it's just a serving at a time.

Water Challenge Day 38:  Drank 183 of 183 ounces

Feel the burn

I did much better on my water today and got all 183 ounces in.  It's a lot, obviously.  I'm still working on the water challenge, which has been a great thing for me.  I'm not perfect at it by any means, but I especially do a happy dance when I get my daily goal in.  I feel like it's a homework assignment I have to finish before I can post on my blog.  I was reading in the Options class materials about what eating and drinking will be like after the gastric bypass surgery and it's nowhere near what I'm getting now.  However, for the little pouch I will be having for a stomach, a few ounces is a lot let alone eight glasses of water.  

I got up so refreshed this morning.  Being able to sleep with the CPAP machine now has been heavenly.  I always knew it was going to help me get good quality sleep, it was just a matter of figuring out how to sleep on it.  After I got up, I had a great breakfast, read a few blogs and then decided it was time to get my exercise on.  I've been trying to make sure I'm stretching and doing the exercises that my physical therapist gave me for my legs.  In my bedroom I spotted resistance bands and thought that would be an awesome way to stretch.  

Oh man, I forgot how much those lovely bands really work my muscles.  Right now as I type this, my biceps are screaming at me to stop moving.  That's just with typing this post ... can you imagine what real movement feels like?  I also have one of those weighted balls, six pounds, and exercised with that, too.  I have a feeling my arms are gonna be none-too-pleased with me tomorrow.  After all of that, I put on shoes and decided to go out for a walk to get in some cardio.

Where I live in Southern California, we haven't been having much of a winter.  Usually it gets down to the 30's and 40's overnight and heats up a little during the day.  Right now it's in the 80's during the day.  Yuck.  I'm not complaining since I know people are experiencing much worse, but it would be nice to have cool weather while walking outdoors.  I had intended on going three miles today but my legs were having no part of that.  With the knee and leg pain I have, I definitely have to listen when my body tells me not to push it.  When I try to ignore it, I have to pay painful consequences.  I ended up walking 2.2 miles.  The MapMyWalk app told me I burned 755 calories so I'll take that for sure.

Sometimes I get really frustrated with my limitations.  I just want to get out the door and run like I see so many people doing.  Even when I'm walking, I'd love to do it with no pain or at least a minimal amount of pain.  It sometimes makes it very difficult for me to want to exercise because even though I really want to do it internally, my body feels the results of years of being obese.  Oh how I pray that someday I will be free from the pain.  Many of us have challenges in our lives, that's for sure.  I'm extremely grateful that I have the ability to walk on my legs and that my heart lets me get this exercise in.  It's just hard when I'm in pain all the time.  This is another reason I have chosen to do the right thing for myself in pursuing weight loss surgery.  My health and a long life are so important.

Water Challenge Day 37:  Drank 183 of 183 ounces

Yummy Deliciousness

For the life of me, I couldn't get all of my water in today.  I tried, but it just was impossible without feeling like I was going to float away.  I am on vacation this week and actually woke up later this morning (yay!) so I was behind.  I'm doing so much better than I used to do with drinking my water, though.  It's an incredible improvement.  Speaking of waking up later, I can't believe this but I have been actually sleeping on my CPAP.  Yahooooo!  Regular readers of this blog know how much I have absolutely struggled with it.  I still am having some problems sleeping on my back and on my side, but to be able to even get a night's sleep with it on my face is some sort of miracle.

Today my food was rockin'.  I took a couple of pics of some of my meals to share.  First up was my lunch.  Spring salad with tomatoes, artichoke hearts, tuna, Parmesan cheese and Walden Farms Chipotle Ranch dressing.  I love, love, love Walden Farms - no fat, no calories, no carbs, gluten free.  I get mine at Sprouts, but they are also available at Albertson's or on their own website.  My dad was even won over and this man hates anything that seems too "diety".

Next up is what I had for dinner.  My dad bought me a gas grill while he was here so it was my attempt at making something on my own with it.  I must say, for my first time, it was sooo yummy.  The salmon I made on the grill and the sauteed peppers I made in the kitchen.  I guess I could have cooked it on the grill as well since I have a gas burner on the side.  I was pretty darn proud of myself.  It came out good and I didn't burn down my backyard!

I have to learn to take better pictures for posting on my bog.  I see some blogs where the food pics look so professional.  Not mine!  While my food was wonderfully clean today, my blood sugar was low a couple of times today so I need to make sure I incorporate a little bit more carbs.  I aim to eat lower amounts of carbs but, as a diabetic, I can't remove them completely.  It's dangerous to do so and leaves me very shaky and clammy.  I will be so happy when my diabetes goes into remission.  It pretty much blows.

I'm trying to do the best I can to practice healthier eating habits to help prepare myself for the transition to surgery.  It's months away from now, but habits take a while to formulate.  Besides, there's nothing wrong with eating healthier.  I can't even describe the feeling of going to bed having had made good food choices and not in regret because I ate a whole carton or bag of something.  I haven't done that in a while, but the memory is never far from me.

Water Challenge Day 36:  Drank of 110 of 183 ounces

Pre-op class #5, weekly weigh-in and meeting my new therapist

This week's Options class was about the benefits of exercise.  I don't know about you, but I would always internally roll my eyes when a doctor or P.E. teacher told me that it would be good for me to get more exercise.  Of course it would but it's much easier to talk about how great exercise is when you don't weigh 200, 300 or 400+ pounds.  Zumba class is a lot more fun when you can actually move around and enjoy yourself.  Even water aerobics hurts when you have osteoarthritis in your knees.

Yesterday I went for a 3 mile walk around my neighborhood, which was fantastic.  It was the same course I used to do when I was 150 pounds lighter, but I have to be honest and say it hurt a lot more yesterday than at other times.  Yet, keeping up with it will make it hurt less and less over time.  It felt great to give that to my body because I know it craves the loving care that exercise gives it.  One of the things I will need to do after surgery is walk a lot to help with recovery and so now is the time to make it a habit.

My weigh-in was good - I lost another two pounds.  I'm starting to see the scale making some progress heading down and that's terrific.  As my dad was leaving my house this morning after visiting for a few days, he asked me to come and visit him in June.  Since I'll still be taking my classes, that means I'll need to fly on a plane since that's quicker than driving 700 miles each way.  It's a pretty great incentive to keep up on the walking so I fit better in that airplane seat!  Sure, I can look to other wonderful benefits, such as improving my circulatory system, improving tension and reducing my appetite, but I also do know it's a great motivator for me to keep up on an exercise regiment knowing that I'll fit better in an airplane seat.

I had my first meeting with my therapist tonight.  My other one retired at the end of January and I felt it was important to keep up with therapy, especially as I walk through gastric bypass surgery.  It's such a major surgery and I need to continue working on the emotional issues that come with food addiction.  It's amazing to me how easily tears can come when I'm having a real, honest conversation with someone and all the walls are down.  I went through two tissues!  It's all good though ... obviously I needed to cry.

One of the things we talked about is my desire to go to food for many things, not just happiness or sadness but everything in between.  It's been my way of living life, almost second nature.  I'm bored - go to food.  I'm angry - go to food.  I'm depressed - go to food.  I'm in love - go to food.  Here's an example:  my dad left today.  While he was here visiting, my food was fabulously healthy, just as it was before he came.  My blood sugar was in control, even a little on the low side.  Yet, after he drove away, all I wanted to do was go in the house and eat.  I wasn't hungry and I wasn't thirsty.  That seems to be my response for a lot of things.  It seems like it's such a learned response that I need to do some serious work to break that pattern to move away from it.  The therapist suggested a great group that Kaiser offers called Mindfulness Meditation.  It will be an opportunity for me to go through guided meditation so that I am more aware of what's going on, which will then lead to new habits instead of going to food.  I'm all for that.  I so badly want to heal and turn things around towards a healthy, positive light.  That doesn't mean the meditation will magically take the desire away, but it's a huge step in the right direction.  The next group doesn't start until March 18th.   However, she did give me something to think about in that regards when I'm faced with a situation that makes me want to overeat in the meantime:

R - recognize what emotional state you are experiencing
A - acknowledge state
I - investigate, be curious
N - non-attachment

So here I am, placing one foot in front of the other making progress towards a different way.  I'm grateful that I have the courage from somewhere deep down inside to do everything that I am to be healthier.  God is so powerful!

Water Challenge Day 35:  Drank 110 of 183 ounces

Telling my parents about the surgery

Deciding to proceed with the gastric bypass surgery was a very difficult decision for me.  It's one thing to say, "Yeah, it's time for me to have the surgery," but it's quite another to actually move forward with it.  There are so many emotions to go through - Could I have tried another diet?  Is this really necessary?  Am I really so far gone that I actually need a surgery to lose the weight?  I go through so much with this, but then I forget how much it impacts other people.

I really learned that on the day I told my mom back in November.  She cried and I cried with her.  She was so very afraid that something bad was going to happen to me during the surgery or that maybe I wouldn't wake up after the surgery.

Then there is my dad.  The person I have stressed over and worried about the most when telling the news of the surgery is my dad.  Of course I'm an adult and of course I can make my own decisions regarding this.  It's just that I want my parents to be supportive.  Maybe we don't always see eye to eye on everything, but having their support is important. When I brought up the idea of having surgery 6-7 years ago, he was so adamant about me not doing it.

My dad is visiting me for a few days right now, so I decided it was the right time to tell him.  I wanted to tell him in person with none of the other family around, just a discussion between father and daughter.  I gathered up the courage and told him that I have decided to have the gastric bypass surgery done.  His response?

"That's fine, but you should just know that it only works for one in five people."

There you go.  The judgement I knew he would have was there.  He sat across from me with his arms crossed, an internal decision made.  So I asked him where he got his statistics from.  He went on to tell me about the friend that he knows that got the surgery that was unsuccessful.  This one person represented all people.  I asked if that person was compliant with the rules laid before him.  He admitted he had not been compliant.  Of course that person won't be successful if he's going to do it that way.  I asked what kind of research he has done and he admitted he hadn't done any.

I went on to have a conversation with my dad that was as full of as much courage as I could possibly possess.  I said, "Dad, you know I have struggled with weight my entire life.  You know I have tried so many different programs and diets.  You know how devastating it was for me after gaining weight back when I stopped doing Optifast.  My decision to have this surgery is about health, pure and simple."  My dad recently had two knee replacements done and I asked him why he had those done.  He did reply that it was to feel better and be out of pain.  I looked at him and told him that's exactly why I'm having this done.  I have diabetes, sleep apnea, high cholesterol, bad knees, back pain and the list goes on and on.  This procedure will help, if not reverse, most of these conditions.

As my dad thought about all of these points, he brought up the past and told me he wasn't a very good example of what healthy eating should look like.  I reminded him that my mom had those issues as well.  Besides, we all make our own decisions.  I stressed to him that I'm not placing blame, that I just want to live without pain.  It's clear to my dad that I've done a lot of research and have answers for every counter-point of his.  I even looked up current stats to see what the success rate is.  For those that are curious, the current numbers show that eighty percent of those who have the surgery are successful.  That's a pretty good outcome, especially for a guy who is math-oriented.

Now we're at the point where my dad has done a complete 180 turnaround about this.  He told me that he is proud of me for making this decision for my health and he's hopeful it will work.  He even told me he will be here to take care of me afterwards if I need it.  It was more than I could have imagined.  The stress that I had been feeling has now left me.  In fact, I was able to get an amazing four hours of sleep on my CPAP machine last night.  That doesn't sound like a lot, but I find it no coincidence that this happened right after I told my dad about the surgery.  Releasing stress is such an important thing to do.

Now both my parents know and they are supportive.  That's what I have wanted - their support.  This is a scary decision for me and I just need my family at my side.  I'm so glad I'm free of that worry and can keep moving forward.

Water Challenge Day 33:  Drank 150 of 185 ounces

Solutions

I had my appointment with the doctor at the sleep clinic.  He was a very nice man who really listened to me.  I don't know about you, but I have had times when I have gone to the doctor's office and he or she just seemed to not be hearing me.  Not every time, but enough to drive me feeling like something was wrong with me.  When he asked me how my sleep was going using the machine, I looked at him and simply said, "Horrible.  I have slept twice on the machine ... two hours last night and a half hour the night before."  I was grateful for the two hours, trust me on that one, because up to the night before that, I had not been able to string together enough will in me to even fall asleep.  Actually, it isn't my will, but just a pure inability to fall asleep on the machine.  Getting the half an hour and then the two hours felt like a freaking miracle to be honest.  After much discussion with him regarding exactly what was going on and doing a physical examination, we developed an action plan together.  I could tell he wasn't going to just let this go and check with me in six months.  He understands that I'm not sleeping now and need help now.  To be honest, I practically cried while talking to him.  I have spent so many nights in tears from the sheer frustration of not being able to fall asleep yet being so tired.  This has been going on for a solid month.  That might not seem like a long time but I can assure you that not being able to get a somewhat restful night of sleep night after night is a horrible feeling.

To begin, the doctor is changing the two sleeping pills I had to a more intense one that is solely to help with sleep (I guess the other two pills were anti-anxiety meds with a side effect of being drowsy).  My new pill is called Ambien.  You may have seen commercials for it on TV.  It's the one where the person is sleeping and a butterfly flies all around them while they're sleeping.  When I would see that commercial, it would make me jealous that that person could sleep and I couldn't.  Then I remembered that I heard something about people sleep-walking using that med.  The doctor did say that has occurred with a small number of patients.  So he told me to watch out for signs that I had done things in the middle of the night that I hadn't done before bedtime, like making a full meal and then leaving it out on the stove.  The thought of that just cracked me up.  He told me that if I do have those episodes, I am to stop immediately and then we'd go to a different med.  I was looking at the medication guide they gave with it and I had to do a double-take.  In the section where they talk about sleep-walking, it says:

"Reported activities include:

• Driving a car ("sleep-driving")
• Making and eating food
• Talking on the phone
• Having sex
• Sleep-walking"

That made me laugh even more.  I just had this image in my mind of me going to bed.  After a while, I got up to use the phone to call someone.  I then got in the car and ended up eating food at a fast-food restaurant instead of having sex with the person I called, which apparently was my original reason for using the phone in the first place. Ha ha!!  It just struck me as hilarious.   Getting that sort of image in my head is what made me laugh at that.  I'm sure it happens to people, but to think any of those things can happen while I'm dead asleep is pretty laughable.  Apparently people do have functional episodes while sleep-walking to the extent that others around them feel like they are their normal selves.  It's such an interesting phenomena to me.  Of course this is nothing to take lightly and I think you guys know me well enough by now to know I don't take things like this lightly.  On the flip side, I do have funny images that pop into my head at the most inopportune time.  I'm happy to report that none of the above happened when I took the pill last night.

I need to check in with the doctor in a week or two.  If the med doesn't work, the second thing the doctor wants to look at is having me studied more in the overnight sleep clinic so they can monitor everything going on.  He said that, according to the data from the CPAP machine, when I'm wearing the nasal pillow, I am not experiencing apnea.  In fact, I should be able to sleep in any position with that machine on.  He is thinking there is something going on in my brain that is psyching myself out in not being able to sleep on the machine.  He says I may be thinking about it too much and preventing myself from falling asleep.  He didn't say it in a dismissive way, but just that it doesn't make sense based on his experience with other patients.  He does feel that a recliner could help on a short-term basis now and when I have the surgery due to the different body positioning.

We did talk about the possibility of a device that goes in my mouth that will force my tongue forward, thereby opening up the passageway.  Unfortunately, I can't qualify for that device until at least six months after my gastric bypass surgery.  They want to see that I have lost weight first before going in that direction.  Speaking of the surgery, he did say that many patients end up no longer having sleep apnea or a very mild form of it afterwards.  I was reminded that even thin people have sleep apnea, which I know to be the case because I've had class members when I learned how to use the machine that were thin.

I'm beyond thrilled that I slept last night!  Not all night long, but a couple more hours on the machine.  I was so tired that I decided I needed to take off the nasal pillow and just sleep on my own so that I could be as functional as possible today.  The lack of sleep I have been experiencing really has taken a toll not only on my body but on my mind.  I've been slurring my words a little bit and even having to try a couple of times to say one word.  That has all been from being extremely tired.  

Speaking of which, my med is starting to kick in now.  My dad is coming for a visit tomorrow.  I am going to move forward with telling him that I'm pursuing the gastric bypass surgery.  I'm nervous and feeling a bit anxious about having this conversation with him.  I just worry that he won't approve and that he won't be supportive.  It's important for me to have his support.  In the end, I know he does back me in whatever I do, even if he doesn't agree with my choices.  Ultimately, it is my choice and I have to remember that I'm a grown-up and not that 13-year-old that's trying to get the courage to tell her daddy something important.  I'll let you all know how it goes!

Day 31:  Drank 186 of 185 ounces (I rock!)

Relationship with food

When I went to my Options bariatric class on Monday, I didn't have my course materials with me.  Another classmate was gracious enough to share some of what we were covering.  One of the activities we had was to look at a checklist of statements in regards to the relationship with food and place a check next to the things we identified with.  Then we discussed our answers in small groups.

I brought my binder home today since we'll be off of work next week and I didn't want to accidentally leave it behind.  I opened to the class lesson and decided to really look at that list again.  An example of one of the statements is, "Once I start, I can't seem to stop eating."  So I went through the checklist again and really was as honest as possible with myself.  Of the 35 statements, I affirmed that 26 were issues for me.  That is more than what I did during class; at that time, I checked yes to 22 statements.  Some of the things were about the emotional reasons I eat, that it feels out of control, certain foods that can't be resisted, hiding food, deprivation, celebration, compulsive activity around food (like eating right from the box/bag/carton), having guilt and shame around food and so many more reasons.

When I looked at the checklist with my results, I thought, Wow!  You really do have a problem with food.  This is not some sort of revelation out of the blue of course.  Any person that is 50, 100, 200, 300 pounds overweight has a really big problem with food.  Look at the example of the people that are on The Biggest Loser each season.  Do you seriously think someone gets that overweight just because they love to cook or that willpower will fix it?  It's just not that simple and for anyone to think that it is really is in a place of ignorance.

Going further past the checklist were some exercise questions related to the list.  I thought it was important for me to answer from the depth of my soul.  I have to do that or I will never overcome these habits around food that have taken a lifetime to build.  I would like to share the questions with you, as well as my answers.  The questions are for you to ask yourself, keeping the utmost honesty at the forefront when answering them.  The answers I put down are for me to be honest.  Putting them on this blog will definitely keep me honest because it doesn't paint me in the best light but I am owning my truth.

• Why do I think I overeat?  Searching my soul, I really feel like there are so many deep-seeded issues - child abuse, sexual abuse, fears I have, lack of self-confidence, feeling ugly.  Some issues started in the past but they really affect me now.
• Am I more likely to overeat at certain times of day or days of the week?  What times of day or days of the week?  Why these times?  The hardest times are when I return home from work and then through the rest of the night.  I come home to a place with no one there and I think the loneliness overtakes me.  I become really hard on myself.  Somehow the food provides comfort until more food's needed.
• Am I more likely to overeat when I feel a certain way?  What feelings lead me to overeat?  Why?  Definitely when I feel loneliness or that I don't have friends.  It's not true ... I do have friends, but it's just what my head tells me when I'm alone.  When I get critical of my body or when I feel ugly, I tend to escape into food.
• Am I more likely to overeat with other people?  Who?  Why these people?  The majority of my overeating is when I'm alone and have privacy to indulge in whatever.  No one can see what's going on.
• Am I more likely to overeat at night?  What do I think causes me to overeat at night?   Night is part of it.  I get really lonely being single.  I need more and when I don't have it, the food provides a false sense of comfort.

It's not easy to honestly answer these questions because, if you're anything like me, you have to deal with what you've written down.  I don't want to admit that I feel lonely or that I beat myself up for where my body is right now.  Yet, I also want to change.

At the high school where I work, we were fortunate to be blessed with a guest speaker today.  His name is Brent King.  His daughter, Chelsea, was murdered here locally by a man who took her while she was out running in a public place in the middle of the day.  She was abducted, raped and left for dead.  She was 17 and had a lifetime ahead of her.  The same person also murdered another girl around the same age, not too far from where he killed Chelsea, in the same manner.  The message of Brent's message today was about conquering hate by living in love.  He had every reason to live in anger and hate towards the evil monster who did this to his precious daughter.  Instead, he and his family choose to live in love and treat others in such a way.  They have taken was was an incredible tragedy and turned it into something positive.  They helped bring together a law, Chelsea's Law, to prevent this sort of thing from happening again.  They began a foundation that directly helps kids and the community.  They have grown stronger together as a family.  As I listened to this man's words, I thought about my own past and present.  I asked myself if I have chosen to walk forward in love or in hate.

It's a hard question to answer because I really want to say that I have walked forward in love.  In many ways, I do ... I'm kind to other people, giving to the kids I work with and do the best I can to leave a positive mark in this world.  However, when I look deeper, there is also hate and anger inside of me that I don't embrace enough to bring it out.  While I don't sit here in tears any longer when I think about being physically and sexually abused, there is hate inside of me towards the people that did those things.  While it was not my fault, I took those events and let them impact my confidence level as a human being.  I viewed myself as ugly, unworthy, disgusting.  I did things that helped to only confirm those things in my mind.  I hurt people, and myself, believing that I was no good anyway.  The truth is that there is good in all of us, but I have a hard time seeing past the weight and my looks.  My last boyfriend always told me how beautiful I was.  I have a friend that always calls me pretty lady when she sees me.  Yet, in my mind, I feel hideous a lot of the time.  Those feelings lead me to going to food to somehow comfort me.  It's a horribly vicious cycle that I pray I can get out of.

You may be reading this and thinking that I'm being brave for sharing this so publicly.  I do so because I know that we are as sick as our secrets.  I don't want to harbor ill-will towards anyone, no matter what they have done to me.  The only person that hurts from that is me.  It's easier said than done to say that I choose to be positive versus negative.  Habits take practice and consistency to change.

Water Challenge Day 29:  Drank 100 out of 185 ounces