Solutions

I had my appointment with the doctor at the sleep clinic.  He was a very nice man who really listened to me.  I don't know about you, but I have had times when I have gone to the doctor's office and he or she just seemed to not be hearing me.  Not every time, but enough to drive me feeling like something was wrong with me.  When he asked me how my sleep was going using the machine, I looked at him and simply said, "Horrible.  I have slept twice on the machine ... two hours last night and a half hour the night before."  I was grateful for the two hours, trust me on that one, because up to the night before that, I had not been able to string together enough will in me to even fall asleep.  Actually, it isn't my will, but just a pure inability to fall asleep on the machine.  Getting the half an hour and then the two hours felt like a freaking miracle to be honest.  After much discussion with him regarding exactly what was going on and doing a physical examination, we developed an action plan together.  I could tell he wasn't going to just let this go and check with me in six months.  He understands that I'm not sleeping now and need help now.  To be honest, I practically cried while talking to him.  I have spent so many nights in tears from the sheer frustration of not being able to fall asleep yet being so tired.  This has been going on for a solid month.  That might not seem like a long time but I can assure you that not being able to get a somewhat restful night of sleep night after night is a horrible feeling.

To begin, the doctor is changing the two sleeping pills I had to a more intense one that is solely to help with sleep (I guess the other two pills were anti-anxiety meds with a side effect of being drowsy).  My new pill is called Ambien.  You may have seen commercials for it on TV.  It's the one where the person is sleeping and a butterfly flies all around them while they're sleeping.  When I would see that commercial, it would make me jealous that that person could sleep and I couldn't.  Then I remembered that I heard something about people sleep-walking using that med.  The doctor did say that has occurred with a small number of patients.  So he told me to watch out for signs that I had done things in the middle of the night that I hadn't done before bedtime, like making a full meal and then leaving it out on the stove.  The thought of that just cracked me up.  He told me that if I do have those episodes, I am to stop immediately and then we'd go to a different med.  I was looking at the medication guide they gave with it and I had to do a double-take.  In the section where they talk about sleep-walking, it says:

"Reported activities include:

• Driving a car ("sleep-driving")
• Making and eating food
• Talking on the phone
• Having sex
• Sleep-walking"

That made me laugh even more.  I just had this image in my mind of me going to bed.  After a while, I got up to use the phone to call someone.  I then got in the car and ended up eating food at a fast-food restaurant instead of having sex with the person I called, which apparently was my original reason for using the phone in the first place. Ha ha!!  It just struck me as hilarious.   Getting that sort of image in my head is what made me laugh at that.  I'm sure it happens to people, but to think any of those things can happen while I'm dead asleep is pretty laughable.  Apparently people do have functional episodes while sleep-walking to the extent that others around them feel like they are their normal selves.  It's such an interesting phenomena to me.  Of course this is nothing to take lightly and I think you guys know me well enough by now to know I don't take things like this lightly.  On the flip side, I do have funny images that pop into my head at the most inopportune time.  I'm happy to report that none of the above happened when I took the pill last night.

I need to check in with the doctor in a week or two.  If the med doesn't work, the second thing the doctor wants to look at is having me studied more in the overnight sleep clinic so they can monitor everything going on.  He said that, according to the data from the CPAP machine, when I'm wearing the nasal pillow, I am not experiencing apnea.  In fact, I should be able to sleep in any position with that machine on.  He is thinking there is something going on in my brain that is psyching myself out in not being able to sleep on the machine.  He says I may be thinking about it too much and preventing myself from falling asleep.  He didn't say it in a dismissive way, but just that it doesn't make sense based on his experience with other patients.  He does feel that a recliner could help on a short-term basis now and when I have the surgery due to the different body positioning.

We did talk about the possibility of a device that goes in my mouth that will force my tongue forward, thereby opening up the passageway.  Unfortunately, I can't qualify for that device until at least six months after my gastric bypass surgery.  They want to see that I have lost weight first before going in that direction.  Speaking of the surgery, he did say that many patients end up no longer having sleep apnea or a very mild form of it afterwards.  I was reminded that even thin people have sleep apnea, which I know to be the case because I've had class members when I learned how to use the machine that were thin.

I'm beyond thrilled that I slept last night!  Not all night long, but a couple more hours on the machine.  I was so tired that I decided I needed to take off the nasal pillow and just sleep on my own so that I could be as functional as possible today.  The lack of sleep I have been experiencing really has taken a toll not only on my body but on my mind.  I've been slurring my words a little bit and even having to try a couple of times to say one word.  That has all been from being extremely tired.  

Speaking of which, my med is starting to kick in now.  My dad is coming for a visit tomorrow.  I am going to move forward with telling him that I'm pursuing the gastric bypass surgery.  I'm nervous and feeling a bit anxious about having this conversation with him.  I just worry that he won't approve and that he won't be supportive.  It's important for me to have his support.  In the end, I know he does back me in whatever I do, even if he doesn't agree with my choices.  Ultimately, it is my choice and I have to remember that I'm a grown-up and not that 13-year-old that's trying to get the courage to tell her daddy something important.  I'll let you all know how it goes!

Day 31:  Drank 186 of 185 ounces (I rock!)

Alright, much better today

I walked into today knowing that I had let go of my mistakes with snacking on junk last night instead of having a real dinner.  Writing about it on here really helped tremendously.  In fact, when I was walking with Sara today, she mentioned that I'm an open book on here.  I have to agree with her.  I pretty much put it all out there.  For me, this is a real journey to let go of the weight and part of that process is dealing with the emotions that come as a result, otherwise I will continue to use food as a crutch.  So I vowed to myself when I started this blog that I would be as transparent as possible.  I'm not as brave as some other people when they post pics of themselves with just underwear on or just a workout bra and exercise pants on because, personally, I think that's going a bit too far beyond my comfort zone.  Writing, though, releases so much and helps me get down to true feelings.

After walking at the lake, I spent some time working on my backyard.  There are these huge trees right over my house and they shed a lot during the winter, so there were leaves galore.  I managed to fill two big trash bags of just leaves, but it felt good to clear a good portion of it.  My back was hurting from doing all that bending.   The big reason I am pursuing weight loss surgery is to feel healthier.  A contributing factor is the pain I feel all over my body, including my bad back.  I know that having less weight to contend with will really help alleviate much, if not all, of the pain I feel in my back.  I do know my limits and had to stop, even though I saw weeds I could attack.  It was enough work back there.

My dinner was a stir fry in extra virgin olive oil of
turkey sausage, carrots and yellow bell
pepper over quinoa.  Yummo!

I did much better with my meals today, having them at regular intervals.  I weighed and measured every single thing that went into my body, which was great because then I knew exactly what I was consuming with no guessing.  Some people really hate weighing and measuring, feeling like they are on some sort of diet and having negative feelings associated with that.  For me, there is a certain sense of freedom that comes with weighing and measuring in a weird sense.  It lets me know that I am having what I'm supposed to be having for my good health.  That doesn't mean I can't have fabulous food, just an appropriate amount of fabulous food. I tracked everything into MyFitnessPal, including my water consumption.  I had 72 ounces of water, which was good, but I'm trying to aim for about 100 ounces or so a day.

One of the things that was alarming, though, was my blood sugar level.  I made a really awful decision early in the day in regards to that.  When I woke up first thing in the morning, my blood sugar was 275.  Gulp.  I knew it was because of what I did the night before.  When it was time to inject my insulin this morning, instead of my usual six units, I increased it to 30 units. I can already hear you wondering what the heck I was doing, that it's an incredibly dangerous and, frankly, stupid thing to do.  Clearly I was wanting to get it down badly.  After I came home from the walk with Sara, I checked my blood sugar again and it was 170.  I was pretty surprised it wasn't in the normal range yet after having walked almost three miles.  Of course I didn't think about the fact that it went down 105 points.  However, by the time I was ready to make my dinner, I felt extremely shaky and was starting to sweat.  I instinctively knew my blood sugar had gone too low.  Diabetics know their bodies and can usually tell if blood sugar levels are too high or too low. I pulled out my meter to test and it showed me at 61.  Shit!  Hmm Kathy Jean, do you think that perhaps injecting 30 units this morning was the smartest move you've ever made??  I stopped what I was doing to have a piece of bread so that I could get my blood sugar up.  I contemplated just waiting until my dinner was ready but I was so shaky that I worried about using a knife to cut my veggies.  Everything is fine now and I feel good.  I usually have two Glyburide pills with my dinner to help control my blood sugar but I decided to forgo them since I was so low.  Note to self:  do not do that again.  Duh.

Stepping out of my comfort zone

One of the things I wanted to get done today was to sign up for a new gym membership.  There's a local gym that costs just $10 a month for a membership and I had every intention of doing so, but something was leaving me stifled.  I used to belong to a bigger, more popular gym.  In fact, I used to work out there a lot before I bought my house.  I always ended up going with friends to work out.  Then I let my membership lapse.  However, after I bought the house, I thought it was time to rejoin at a center closer to me.  I did that, but hardly went, so I cancelled my membership.  I really believe part of the reason I didn't go much was that I was intimidated.  It's that stigma of thinking you'll be the biggest one there and people will judge you.  The truth is, I have always found that people really don't care and, if anything, they encourage you in your efforts in getting healthier.  However, I do feel uncomfortable at times because of both the men and women there.  Watching them work out sometimes makes me feel like I'm just not good enough.  I'm not a cute, petite little version of the women I see out in the world.  Even when I get down to my smallest size, I won't be that person.  Just my height alone - 5'9" - puts me in a different group of people.  I look at the women and compare myself to them.  Of course, there are all different body types and ages of people working out, but my mind goes to the younger ones, either at my age range or younger.  Every flaw I think I have gets magnified a million times in my mind when I compare.  Then I think of the men ... they definitely check out the women there, even if they do it in a casual way.  I know it's my own insecurity but I just don't feel like I measure up.  Yes, I know that health and fitness is not about that.  I get that, completely.  But there's that part of my brain that is wired wrong because we live in a society where we are definitely judged by how we look.  Given that I'm single and got my heart broken in my last relationship, I'm more aware of being judged.  Sure, I know I'm not joining a gym because of any of these dynamics, but I'm just being honest.  There's a part of me that still feels like I'm the ugliest and biggest one in the room.  That is going to take me time to move past.

The other side of this is why I want to join the gym.  I need to use the recumbent bike to build strength in my legs.  Given the osteoarthritis in both of them, I can't be running for exercise or other things that are unhealthy for me.  In addition, I want to work on the machines for my legs, as well as building muscle in my core to help with my back pain and fibromyalgia and to tone my arms.  I do walk 5-7 days a week, so the exercises I would do at the gym wouldn't be every day and certainly not as intense since I don't want to go crazy with overexercising.  But I need to do this for my overall continued progress towards good health.

This is not about other people, this is about me.   It's important for me to feel strong, both physically and mentally.  Once I go a couple of times, I know that the things that are intimidating me in my head will not be as important as they seem to be right now.  I saw a post on Twitter today where someone put a challenge out there to "list five things you like about your body".  Egads, that seems like an impossible list to make.  That's precisely why I need to get over myself and get my booty to the gym.  If it is something I'm avoiding, there's a reason and it's my responsibility to myself not to shy away from it.