Power of positive thinking

Today is a holiday in the U.S. and a time when family and friends get together, typically around food and alcohol.  I wasn't with my family today and people I would have hung out with were with their own families, so I was alone. It made me think about my ex, Mr. What's His Name.  I miss being in a relationship, but not one in which I am with someone that treats me less than I deserve.  On days like this, though, I miss it more than normal.  In my days before going on the program, I would have used food to avoid uncomfy feelings, like feeling lonely.  Not today.  In fact, I didn't even have a desire for food, even though the fourth of July is about hamburgers, ribs and hot dogs by a barbecue.  Instead, as feelings come up, I need to deal with them.

One of the things I have been doing is really trying my best to incorporate positive things into my life as I continue on my weight loss journey.  There will come a day when regular food re-enters my life and I definitely do not want to fall back into old patterns that brought me to 417 pounds in the first place.  I strongly believe in the power of positive thinking.  I remember this old Saturday Night Live skit with Al Franken playing Stuart Smalley.  Do you remember that?  He would look in the mirror and say things like:

"I'm good enough.
I'm smart enough.
And doggone it ... people like me."

Each time I would see it on Saturday Night Live back in the day, I would crack up.  I would think to myself, "Do people actually do that in front of  a mirror with a straight face?"  I couldn't ever imagine that I would do that and be serious because it just seemed really ridiculous.  And while it does take the notion of positive thinking to an extreme, there is some validity there to a certain degree.  I know that when I come from a positive place, even in the face of extreme adversity, it is a much better way to approach life.  I don't need to sit in a mirror and tell myself that I'm good enough or smart enough, but I can combat any negative talk with positive energy.  People who do so have less stress, are healthier and just generally seem happier.  Part of the process of putting weight on over the years involved an extreme amount of negativity about myself and I frankly am unwilling to go down that road any longer.  I'd tell myself that I was ugly, unworthy and deserved it if I found myself alone.  Then, lo and behold, I'd find myself in the food, with no immediate escape possible.  Looking back over my day, I realized that there was none of that negativity with me.  I may have been by myself today, but that was perfectly okay.  I was able to work on boxing up some of my clothes that are too big, watched a movie and even gave myself a pedi.  Best of all, thoughts of food were not even with me.  These are things I need to really appreciate and celebrate more often, especially when I know people who are really struggling with their programs, whether Optifast or other methods of weight loss.  For me, the struggle and the clawing through white knuckle moments are just simply not there.  Instead, I have peace inside.  What a miracle that is for sure!

Weekly weigh-in

I had my Optifast class tonight and found out I lost 7.5 pounds for the week.  That brings my total to 143 pounds shed in just under five months.  I sat in our class and just felt shell-shocked, but in a positive way.  How is it that I have lost that weight?  Me?? I could have never dreamed I would have this sort of positive result when I decided to do Optifast in the first place.  Yes, I prayed that I would lose weight, as I have wanted for all of my life, but I couldn't have ever imagined that I would lose this much, let alone so fast.  As I was driving home tonight, I was listening to music and just got so overcome with emotion.  Tears started to fall from my eyes.  I have so much gratitude for God laying His hands on me and blessing me.  I can't even begin to put into words the depth of what I'm feeling inside, but I'm sure you can well imagine if you've been following my blog for a while or know me personally.

I'm not a turkey

My mom came over to my house today to spend some time with me and to do her laundry.  She hasn't seen me in two weeks I think it is.  She came into my house with a greeting of "Oh my God!!"  I get that reaction from people a lot these days if it's been a few weeks or more since they've seen me.  She asked me how much weight I've lost and was just astonished when I told her.  Not five minutes passed before she took the opportunity to tell me that she wished she could give me some of her boobs since apparently mine are now small.  She's gained a lot of weight over the years and now hers are pretty big.  I looked down at mine and wondered what she was talking about since my size hasn't changed at all there since dropping weight.  I decided to let it go.  Then she started talking about what she's doing to lose weight and how she's joined a gym, expressing that she thinks I should join one, too, to lose more weight.  I stepped in and said that what I am doing is perfectly fine.  I almost felt like saying to her, "I've lost 135.5 pounds without a gym ... how much have you lost?"  That felt sort of childish, immature and a little braggy so I just told her that I enjoy exercising so much more outdoors than paying money for a gym membership.  Then she started to say that I need to have skin removal surgery under my chin because I was looking saggy.  That just congured up an image of a turkey in my mind.  Do I have turkey neck now?

I told her that I am not worrying about that right now because I still have a lot of weight left to lose so we'll see what things look like around my face later on.  Besides, I said to her, I think I look fine.  She didn't need to know that I have already been having personal feelings about excess skin (although not around my chin, that was a new one to freak me out).  I didn't want her to feed into any insecurities I was having.  How about the fact that I've lost so much weight ... can we please celebrate that and not pick on any flaws you might see in me, Mother??  I was not about to pick a fight with her, but come on!

It reminded me of when I was a kid.  I was never good enough for her.  She was always picking on the clothes I was wearing, how pretty she thought I wasn't and certainly how I was too fat to be her daughter.  Things have most definitely improved in our relationship over the years and I can, in fact, have a relationship with her as an adult.  She is no longer abusive towards me and does try to love me in the best way she can.  I had to remind myself that she is limited in terms of knowing how to say something or how to be appropriate.  She just doesn't have a filter.  I am not going to rip at her because she is not tactful, but I did let her know she was starting to hurt my feelings.  Argh, how is it that family can still push your buttons?  The good thing for me, though, is I said what I needed to so she could understand that it's not okay to pick me apart, but just to love me anyway.  This is the most challenging thing I've ever been through in my life and I need her support, not criticism.  She got it.  Finally!!!

Practice staying in the moment

I'm feeling sort of restless today.  I sometimes get like that when something is either bothering me or I just can't put my finger on it.  As I was thinking about it, I realized that I have not been in the moment, appreciating today for where I am.  Instead, my head is either in the past or in the future.  Especially right now, it's in the future. 

I have been thinking a lot about the transition phase of getting off Optifast product and onto food again.  I'm months away from doing that, probably not until October or November, but it's been in my head a lot.  Last night I pulled open my Optifast binder and went to the section that describes how we phase food back in.  It's a very sensible plan that I found fascinating.  Part of that process scares me because I've been without real food for so long, but the other part of me is excited to be able to sort of start back with a clean slate having not had any bad food in my body for months.  I was reflecting back on my week between my first Optifast group meeting and the second week, where we didn't start on product yet but we knew it was coming up.  Many people have referred to it as their Last Supper.  I tried to have a big, gigantic last supper, thinking this was my last chance at "good" food for a very long time.  What was my poison?  Kentucky Fried Chicken, with all the fixings.  I bought a family meal with a bucket, side dishes and the chocolate cake (even though I'm not really a fan of chocolate).  I intended to work on that thing until it was all gone before going on the product.  I gave myself several days to do it.  Instead, I got sick to my stomach with all that grease getting caught in my throat in the middle of the night and just regretted that stupid decision.  I ended up throwing it out and lost 6 pounds during that week, probably out of pure disgust!  When I go on my walks, I pass by the KFC near my house and instead of being turned on by the smell of that fried chicken, it makes me turn up my nose.  Yuck.

In trying to think healthier, I've been collecting recipes for low-fat or low-calorie cooking.  I enjoyed cooking and want to do things from a cleaner place.  That's all well and good, but why am I going around collecting recipes now?  It seems like that's a torture device.  Even worse, I've been watching a lot of the Food Network and the Cooking Channel.  Any time they are preparing food, I'm fascinated.  I'm not wanting the food, but I'm watching the preparation.  Today I was watching a Foodography segment on how cakes and cookies are related.  I don't want cakes or cookies, but there I was watching it, commenting to myself on how interesting this or that was.  Or on the Food Network, they have been showing a lot of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives with Guy Fieri.  That totally is an indulgent show.  You got oil or butter?  Then it's highlighted there!  Again, I honestly can say I am not craving the food, but I am cracking up on how much crap people put into food when there are other ways of cooking and just the looks of pure pleasure they get when they take a big bite.  Yet, I'm not sitting in judgement because I was one of those people that put bad stuff into my food all the freaking time ... the more the merrier. 

I've also been thinking about my upcoming trips.  I'm excited about going on them, very excited, but they're not here yet.  I leave for one a week from this coming Tuesday and then for the other not until July 20th.  I need to refocus and be here in the moment.  One of the things I am working on this summer at home is boxing up my old clothes that don't fit any longer because they're too big and donating them to charity.  As fun as that idea sounds, there's actually an emotional component I didn't even consider when I started doing it.  You would think I would be absolutely thrilled to let go of them.  Don't get me wrong ... I am very happy they no longer fit me.  Talk about swimming in clothes, they are totally ridiculous on me.  The only things I plan on keeping are my original outfit from the body assessment because I need to remind myself in a very visual way where I've come from.  Perhaps someday soon I'll take a picture of me in that outfit and post it just so other people can see what I'm talking about.  I feel like a little girl in a big girl's pants when I try them on. 

Emotionally, though, letting go of those clothes is like letting go of a piece of me.  Being a larger person is safe in so many ways.  You protect yourself from others possibly hurting you and paying attention to you.  If you've been hurt a lot in your life, it's a protective layer you put around yourself that somehow makes you feel safer.  The negative side to that, beyond the physical difficulties that arise, is that you also layer yourself off from other people and their love for you, whether that is in a romantic relationship, friendships or with your family.  So if I'm focusing on other things instead of putting those clothes in boxes, sealing them and calling the Salvation Army to pick them up, then I can stay in a space that is comfy with very minimal risk.  Ugh, I just heard myself ... time to do it.    It will make me feel fantastic to see the clothes that are way too big on me that used to be way too small on me and to let them go.  It symbolizes so much to me, about letting go of the past and past hurts.  I am so much happier these days than I was when I first started Optifast and I know taking this most loving action will even bring me more joy.  Okay people, this is exactly why I blog!  I have my AHA moments when I start typing all the time.

Upcoming road trips

During July, I will be going on two fabulous road trips.  The first one is with one of my very good friends.  We'll be traveling from San Diego, where we live, up the California coast.  We'll be heading to Santa Barbara, San Simeon and Monterey.  Along the way, we will be staying in lovely hotels that we have decided to splurge at.  I would normally never spend the sort of money on a hotel room that we are during our trip, but, hey, I'm on vacay!  They offer killer views of the ocean, luxurious pools and even massages if we so desire.  When we booked them, we made sure they had fridges and gyms so that we can still take care of our needs.  For me, I will, of course, be on Optifast product and she is doing a special program as well.  So the fridges are for keeping our supplies on hand.  The gyms are to ensure we're keeping healthy.  I'm sure we'll be doing lots of walking on our excursions, but we want to not leave anything to chance.  The difficulty I am encountering is my feelings about being on the product while staying in places that offer great dining and wine tasting.  While I didn't get sad about it, I did tell her I will miss not eating while on our trip.  Don't worry ... I'm not thinking of going off product.  I am committed to my success in this program, as well as afterward.  I know that food will be in my future again and that I can keep the focus on great experiences and the company of my friend.  I was just being honest about how I was feeling.  She told me she understood.  While she is not on Optifast, she will have restrictions as well, so at least we can be there to look out for each other.

Towards the end of July, I will be traveling with my mother from San Diego to Vegas to visit my brother and sister-in-law.  My mother is Filipino and I learned how to make delicous Filipino food from her, like chicken adobo, lumpia, pancet, etc.  Whenever we visit my brother, he always begs my mom to make classic Filipino fare because his wife doesn't like making that kind of food and doesn't make it near as well as my family does (I think you might have to have Filipino DNA coursing in your body to make excellent lumpia).  Normally it is like a feeding frenzy at his house when my mom makes the food, with a bunch of his friends there and everyone absolutely gorging on the food.  My mom does not know moderation so she makes enough food to feed an army, or two.  To take care of myself, I think I am not going to join them the afternoon she makes all that food.  Instead, I'll go to the pool at our hotel, pictured to the left.  Looks scrumptious, doesn't it?  It's not as though I am trying to separate myself from all of them and not having time with my family, but I have got to protect my program as much as possible.  I am sure they will understand because they are super supportive of what I am doing.  The truth is that life still happens, whether or not we are on our fasts.  I am fully aware of that.  While I am feeling strong that I won't "cheat" on my program since I haven't done so already, I also don't need to test myself either.

Can't believe it

Well, it turns out that I have been overexercising.  It seems crazy when I spent so much time in my life not exercising enough, but now it's just way too much.  I have been dealing with lightheadedness that's not going away, a feeling of weakness, low blood sugar and slight problems with my bad knee (existing condition from a car accident).  I tried drinking more water, that didn't help.  With that feeling like I'm going to pass out when I get up from a sitting position, I finally decided to consult my clinic's medical staff and the Optifast guidebook.  Yup, exercising too much ... unreal!  Here's what the exercise guidelines are while on the full-fast:

"You can engage in physical activity or exercise while taking the Optifast supplement.  However, if you engage in too much exercise at too high an intensity you can slow down the weight loss process, cause a soft tissue injury, or experience symptoms of nausea and lightheadedness.  By following a few simple guidelines, you can exercise your way to a healthier body.

• Frequency:  3-4 days per week.
• Intensity:  Moderate aerobic activities.
• Time:  30-40 minutes per session, not including any warm-up or cool-down activities.
• Type:  Walking, swimming, or cycling are the best choices.
• Strength training is safe if you use light weights and high repetitions (12-15).
• Be sure to drink extra fluids on workout days.
• Seek the advise of an exercise physiologist if you have questions or concerns."

Oh man.  So now I'm going to have to curb my exercise a little bit.  I started looking at my weight loss history and while I am still losing a lot of weight, it actually has slowed down for the most part since kicking up my exercise.  Beyond the rate of loss, however, is not wanting to do damage to my body.  If I feel like I'm going to pass out when I get up, that's not good.  Having low blood sugar is not good.  Causing further damage to an already-injured knee is not good.  So, I will pull back on what I've been doing (although I'm definitely not happy about it).  I enjoy the exercise, but I need to follow the rules.  So no more power-walking three miles every day.  I can look forward to increasing it in the future.

Round two

Monday night was the end of my 20th week of weigh-ins and a new crop of people came into our group at the Kaiser clinic.  For those that will be continuing in the fasting phase, we stay in the class and new people join us who are just starting their journeys.  About 11 of us are continuing on from the first class, but it was so great to see the eagerness and excitement of the new people.  Our group now has 25 people in it, pretty big for us since the 11 of us were the ones who made it through to the end of the first group.  It was hard to see people dropping out since our group originally started with about 20, but it is what it is.  We are a tight 11, so supportive of each other, and I know we will also be that way with the new people.

Our counselor welcomed them and gave them some highlights of successful stories.  One of our 11, for example, has lost 172 pounds.  Pretty impressive, but she was quick to point out that she has done it over the course of several years with some weight gain in the middle.  Then, he turns to me and says, "Kathy, if you don't mind sharing, can you tell the group how much weight you've lost in the last 20 weeks?"  I just knew he was going to call me out!  He is always so thrilled to see me each week because my rate of loss is pretty astonishing (by his admission, not mine).  He's told me that in the 30 years that he has been a counselor at the clinic, no woman, and very few men, have lost as much weight faster than I have.  So, I addressed the group and told them that as of that night, I had lost 135.5 pounds in the last 20 weeks.  That was followed by a round of applause, coupled with oooh's and aaaah's.  People were asking me if it was all just Optifast or if I was doing something different, almost as if I had the secret to eternal life.  If only!  I described that, no, I just do the Optifast 70 program, but I do exercise a lot now, although that isn't a requirement of the program, just something I enjoy doing now.  When I think about it, it took me about 5 or 6 weeks before I started doing any exercise at all and now I'm up to at least 3 miles each and every day.

When you're starting new in program, they give you a binder full of information, assignments and other things you'll need along the way in the journey, as well as a book called Maximize Your Body Potential.  You are told you will need to bring these two items to class, so I saw all the new people had these things in their hands or under their seats.  I leaned over to one of the 11 and asked her if she had been reading the book or if she was doing the assignments.  She confessed that she hadn't even opened the book.  After a couple of weeks of the classes, we weren't bringing those items in any longer because our support group was not about the topics discussed in the pages but things the counselor would do with us.  I did start reading the book but I had put it down since we weren't going through it.  It sort of felt like homework to me and I figured that when the time came where we were supposed to start reading it, our counselor would let us know.  We both committed to each other that we would, at the very least, start reading the book.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that they gave me the book and the notebook with assignments or other reading for a reason.  Now that I am in the second round of this phase, I feel I am prepared to really start digging in.

Now that I'm in the book, I can't put it down!  There are sections in there about weight loss, but it is more about being successful in your weight management journey for life.  There is going to come a time when I will be re-introduced to food again and I have to make appropriate choices if I hope to be successful.  It also talks about a very important component that perhaps gets glossed over far too easily ... the emotional and psychological component of weight loss.  How do we deal with thinner bodies?  How do our families and friends deal with us in thinner bodies?  Losing weight is all about us, but it does not just affect us.  I took out a highlighter and really started marking some important components for me, such as:

• A major part of successful weight management is learning to identify and change underlying beliefs that don't serve you, to find new ways of understanding events, to replace negative self-talk with more adaptive thinking, and to cope more effectively with negative emotions.
• Weight reduction is a self-centered activity.  To be successful you must give it top priority.
• You  need to constantly bring your focus back to what you expect to get by losing weight and the costs you will pay for not losing weight.
• Involving others in your weight management efforts in a way that is nonthreatening to them is important if you are going to achieve and stay at your best weight.
• In order to speak up for your needs, you may need to challenge and change old ideas.

There were so many more fantastic gems, but really it is all about being successful in managing weight for the rest of my life.  My character trait/defect of being stubborn is going to come in handy here.  I refuse to become a statistic, one of those poor souls who loses a huge amount of weight only to gain it back.  I have already done that with 100 pounds before and I'm not willing to go through that again.  I am already in a place where I'm in a foreign land ... a smaller body, able to do things I couldn't do before, off of all of my diabetes medication and insulin, with so much more energy.  There is no way on God's green earth I am going to give that up, no freakin way!!  I have too many people who love and support me to let that happen.  And, really, I refuse to let that happen to myself.  Unless you've been where I have been - morbidly obese - you can't understand how painful a place that is.  There is obvious physical pain, yes, but I mean more the emotional hurt deep down inside.  It's a place so painful that I hardly could ever talk about it out loud to other people because then I would have to sit in those feelings and I know I would constantly have tears in my eyes.  Instead, I'd just put on a great smile and perhaps joke things away.  I have used humor far too many times to mask pain.  Dammit, I am worthy of so much more than being less than my authentic self.

I have also opened that notebook and taken a look at some of the writing assignments.  I will start working on those, too.  As much as opening the door to the past is very difficult to do, I must walk through that door to get to the other side.  Avoiding doing so got me to 417 pounds.  No more.  I am taking my life back and telling that horrid voice in my head that screams I'm not good enough to take a flying leap off the cliff.  So there!