Pre-op class #3 and weekly weigh-in

This week's Options class was about embracing change.  Ah, change ... one of the most difficult things for most people to deal with.  I don't know many people that really love change.  If anything, most of us just deal with it.  Of course, it can be very positive as well.  I recognize that my process leading up to the gastric bypass is a series of many different changes.  My challenge will be how willing I am to handle them head-on or if I will try to bury my head in the sand.  With change comes choice.  The fact is that I can choose to change or I can choose to stay stagnant.  That's the beauty of this entire process - all these things are up to me.  I am challenged to look within and see if I am really willing to do the work or if I just want to get away with the base minimum.  It's an interesting thing to think about.  Obviously I want things to be better and to feel healthier.  But the question is if I really do want it.  Do I want to be able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want or do I sincerely want to live a healthier life with healthier choices?  There's this pouty little girl inside of me that says, "Ick, how boring!  Enjoy that life eating rabbit food."  Yet, there's that other part of me that is tired of feeling aches and pains all the time.  She wants to breathe better, no longer have diabetes and just live a longer, more vibrant life.

There were some practical things I can do to continue countering negative beliefs and feelings into positive ones.  One of the challenges for me this coming week will be to immediately counter any negative thoughts I may have about myself with something positive.  Many people who have weight problems say a lot of negative things about themselves, myself included.  I can't even express how many times I'll pass a mirror and say something negative as I look at my reflection.  It's horrible that I do that because no one deserves it and, really, that's the whole point of the exercise.  Speaking of making change, one of the charges we have throughout the classes is to start incorporating practices now that will help us transitioning after the surgery.  One of the great tips was to try to eat slower by using baby utensils or, even better, use chopsticks.  Sounds like a great idea but I can't use chopsticks!  I never mastered that skill. I'd be sitting at the dining room table 2 hours after everyone else has left if I ate with them. The more I thought about it, though, the more I thought it was a great idea.  This will definitely slow me down if I'm hurrying and I'll learn something new.  See, I'm picking up all kinds of talents and skills along the way in this journey.

My weigh-in this week was pretty nice - I lost a couple of pounds.  I'll gladly take it!  My water intake has been pretty good overall.  I just need to figure out what's going on with using the CPAP machine and I think I'd be feeling fantastic.  Lack of sleep is extremely frustrating.  I saw one of my doctors today and she prescribed some sleep meds to use in conjunction with the machine, so hopefully that'll just knock me right out.  I pray I will fall right into bed and sleep the whole night through.  Mmm, that sounds devine!

Water Challenge Day 20:  Drank 168 or 186 ounces

Night before weigh-in

As I look over the past week, I feel very good about how I did following my new food plan.  I definitely was going through a roller coaster with major headaches and biting hunger but those things eventually did subside as my body was getting used to things.  I also had to recognize that there are times when I am very knowledgeable and other times when I don't have a clue.  When it comes to food and eating in a healthy way for more than just the moment, I really don't know what I'm doing.  Sure, I know that burning more calories than you consume will lead to weight loss and I know that a plentiful supply of fruits and veggies is what our bodies need.  That old adage about "an apple a day will keep the doctor away" seems to have validity.  Yet, when it comes to living in a healthy way, not only physically, but mind, body and spirit, I just have to relearn.  Intellectually, of course I know these things to be true.  Yet, emotionally, the place where it counts for me the most, all the knowledge is not going to make a bit of difference.  It's as if that part of my brain just isn't wired the same as it may be in other people when it comes to food.  I'm glad that this part of my journey will be slower than it was on Optifast.  In just a matter of mere months, I dropped a huge amount of weight, was half my body size, lost my hair, had saggy skin and just a whole host of things.  Of course it was an emotional whirlwind that I was trying to maneuver through.  I didn't even recognize my own face in the mirror - how exactly was I not going to be affected by all of that?  As I was eating dinner tonight, I really enjoyed my meal.  I mean really enjoyed it.  Except for one dish, I have absolutely loved all the Jenny Craig cuisine so far.  This feels like something I can really do.  Now, granted, I am saying this with not even having completed a week on the program, but it's a terrific start.

So now, in terms of my weigh-in tomorrow, I am feeling anxious.  I'm not going to lie about that.  When I got home from work today, all I wanted to do is work out but it was ridiculously hot and humid here today.  Then I said to myself, "Okay, if I get up really early tomorrow and get a hard core workout in, I can lose like three more pounds before my weigh in if I don't eat or drink anything."  Rational thinking?  Um, nope.  I am admitting that - it's not rational.  I can just relax, enjoy the rest of the evening and do everything that I would normally do in the morning.  If I get up at a good time and I'm feeling like I want to get exercise in, I can do that but I don't get to kill myself in the process and I definitely don't get to do that in an effort to have a lower number on that scale.  And I absolutely do not get to skip breakfast!  This is about being healthier, not obsessive.  It's so easy to go there, isn't it?  I definitely will share my feelings with my consultant so that I'm being as honest as possible.  It's things like this that have caused me to go to food in the past for comfort and I want to break that cycle.  I don't have to race to the finish line and I think that's where the anxious feelings are coming from.  I am just so tired of fighting the weight battle, you know what I mean?  Breathe Kathy.

Weigh-in

I am happy to report that I've lost 10 pounds since my last update.  Hooray!  It's so nice to see the weight loss and even better to know that I'm back into the 200's again.  I kept telling myself, as the weight was coming back on, Just don't go past 300, please don't go past 300.  When I did, I just had a sinking feeling I would head back to my all-time high of 420 pounds.  This gain has broken my heart, but I do have to say that, in a very weird way, it actually ended up being a blessing for me.  Wait, hear me out on this one ...

When I got down to my lowest weight while doing Optifast (I started at 417 and got down to 227), it was a difficult time for me.  Don't get me wrong, I was super excited that I had lost that much weight.  But it was happening so fast that I just wasn't prepared for how hard it was going to be for me.  The hard part was not about drinking the shakes or exercising.  Those things were almost easy in comparison.  The hard part was about looking in the mirror and not even recognizing my own face, about not knowing my body and how I fit in the world.  All I had ever known was morbid obesity and I was getting closer and closer to finding a normal body.  That scared me. If I was no longer Kathy, the fat/obese/overweight one, then who was I?  I was also having some issues come up from the past that I don't think I properly dealt with at the time.  The biggest one was the ending of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend and being abused, both physically and sexually, when I was younger.

I soon realized, after I got off the shakes and back on to regular food, that it was a temporary reprieve for me.  I was going to have to deal with these feelings or deal with the consequences of what the food does to me.  Feeling so frustrated with all the medical issues going on as well as the physical pain in my body from work injuries and the unexplained chronic leg pain that has been going on for over a year now, I gained a lot of weight back.  A lot of it was the result of various medications that had the side effect of weight gain.  However, some of it was me, just not handling things well.  I'm an emotional eater and I always have been.  This blog has been such a wonderful outlet for me, but when I wasn't writing, then maybe the frustration and the emotions got the better of me.  It was all enough of a catalyst to get me to find the courage somewhere deep inside to finally see a therapist.  In a couple of weeks when I go to see a doctor and the regular therapist I will be having, I know the digging will lead to continued healing, I hope.

It wasn't until I felt the heartbreak of the weight gain that I had enough of a push to seek help.  I'm a very independent person who is great during a crisis.  I handle things in the moment and it isn't until later that it hits me.  I'm sure a lot of that has been conditioning over the years.  When I was a child and was being abused, I handled it to get through each moment, even though I was dying inside.  To the outside world, I was a happy person.  I had lots of little friends and people tended to like me.  They never knew what I was going through when the door was shut and the blinds were drawn.  I handled it, stoically.  And then I went to food.  However, now, I am not willing to just handle it stoically.  I busted my butt with a lot of work when I did Optifiast, not to mention the huge amount of money I paid.  I am NOT about to put back on all the weight I worked hard to lose.  There is just no way on God's green earth I was going to let that happen.  I didn't just drink shakes, I worked my butt off (literally!) to lose that much.  Here I am declaring that it just ain't gonna happen, not on my watch.  That's why all of this has actually been a blessing ... it got me to get up and fight for myself.  Let's face it, no one is going to do the fighting for us, we have to do it for ourselves.

So the weight I am losing now is blood, sweat and tears.  When I was at the gym today, I was working it hard.  Sweat was dripping off my body and instead of focusing in on the pain of my legs, I focused in on the power behind them.  They have had to endure quite a lot in my lifetime, but they haven't given out on me yet.  I was on the treadmill, climbing hills and walking fast, yet I could feel myself standing tall almost doing the stare-down to the fear I had been feeling.  Come on, bring it.  You think you've won?  Oh, I. Don't. Think. So.  I've been knocked down, but I get back up and I fight.  It's what we all have to do ... fight, fight, fight! When I think back through all the things I've been through, I realize I've always been a scrappy little fighter and I'll continue to do that with this weight battle, too.  I refuse, absolutely refuse, to be another sad statistic. 

Weekly weigh-in

I had my Optifast class tonight and found out I lost 7.5 pounds for the week.  That brings my total to 143 pounds shed in just under five months.  I sat in our class and just felt shell-shocked, but in a positive way.  How is it that I have lost that weight?  Me?? I could have never dreamed I would have this sort of positive result when I decided to do Optifast in the first place.  Yes, I prayed that I would lose weight, as I have wanted for all of my life, but I couldn't have ever imagined that I would lose this much, let alone so fast.  As I was driving home tonight, I was listening to music and just got so overcome with emotion.  Tears started to fall from my eyes.  I have so much gratitude for God laying His hands on me and blessing me.  I can't even begin to put into words the depth of what I'm feeling inside, but I'm sure you can well imagine if you've been following my blog for a while or know me personally.

Weekly weigh-in

I had my Optifast class tonight.  Unfortunately, I didn't lose any weight this week.  However, I was perfectly okay with that.  It was actually pretty surprising.  The last time this happened, I was very upset.  However, I really think I have grown a lot in my program and I recognized that the scale is not the only indicator of success in the program.  Sure, I was slightly disappointed, but I know I did everything I was supposed to do this week and I didn't cheat by eating food at all.  I did kick up my exercise and fluid consumption, so perhaps that accounts for not losing anything.  Regardless, I've gone down five sizes, 5 inches around my waist and I have a great deal of energy.  So it really is okay that I didn't lose.  I will keep working at it and I know I'll lose again next week. I can't complain about losing 121 pounds in 4 months.