Weekly weigh-in

So, I had my weekly weigh-in tonight.  It was a mix of emotions.  First of all, I am happy to report that  it was a losing week, which I'm super grateful for.  I lost 3 1/2 pounds, which is definitely progress.  However, I just have to be honest and say I was disappointed in myself.  Now I say this with some pause because I feel stupid owning up to it.  Tonight in my group people were talking about overcoming huge challenges in their lives such as child abuse, narcissistic parents, and other ill-treatments.  I am part of that population, having survived abuse as a child and being a victim of a rape.  I am fully aware of how ridiculous this sounds. . .  How dare I complain about weight loss disappointment when heavier things are going on.  The thing is that I just felt like my weight loss should have been greater given I walked so much this past week.  I felt like when I had planters faciitis and couldn't walk very much, I lost a lot more weight.  A part of me wondered if I should not exercise as much.  But the thing with it is then I really enjoyed exercising and getting out in the sunshine.  I am going to have to realize that not every week will be a week when I lose 10 pounds.  It definitely would be nice, but it is not reality.

The really good news is that the medical staff at the Optifast clinic is lowering the amount of insulin that I need to take every day.  In fact, my blood sugar numbers have been on the very low side lately.  You should have seen how excited the Physician's Assistant was when I showed her my numbers for the week.  I think she was more excited than I was!  It is an amazing time in my life where I get to experience so many triumphs on a daily basis.  Anyway, here's to another week of weight loss.  84 pounds in 11 weeks is certainly something to be very proud of!!

Support while on Optifast

I have found that it is vitally important to have support while I am doing Optifast.  I know people that have chosen to keep it a secret as to how they are losing weight, but there are problems that come along with that ... having to make their shakes in secret, not talking about things that come up, having a sort of shame about doing what they are doing.  The truth of the matter is that going on any weight-loss program is hard enough.  When you add in something so drastic as doing a fast, let alone a full-fast with no food, there are certain stigmas that come along with it not only in our own minds but in the minds of others as well.  For me, the decision to go this route was something I had been thinking about for quite some time, not just in the spur of the moment.  This was about changing my life, not doing something short-term that did not produce long-term changes.  I knew that by not eating food, my emotions would be raw and I would be forced to face the very things that made me eat in the first place.  Along the way, I have found there are a couple of really great tools to help me be a successful Optifaster:

• Let other people in.  I am absolutely open about doing Optifast.  I have a mini-blender I keep in the staff lounge at work where I make my shakes.  People see me doing it all the time.  Sometimes questions have come up in terms of how it works and other times people will give positive comments about the weight loss they see in me.  My friends at work are so incredibly supportive - I couldn't have ever dreamed at how wonderful they would be!  I have told all of my friends that I hang out with and my family, too.  The people who didn't understand the program at first have come around to at least supporting me in my efforts to being healthier.  I have also found that we find non-food related things to do together instead of having everything revolve around a meal.  We'll go for walks, go to the movie or even go out for coffee/diet soda instead of having a meal together.  I am actually fine being around people who are eating, but it is so sweet of my friends to be so considerate in terms of doing things that are not going to bother me.  I will love them forever for that!
• Going to weekly Optifast support meetings.  Some people out there are trying to do Optifast without medical supervision.  Danger Will Robinson!!  Without professional intervention when medically necessary, we could really be jeopardizing our health.  For example, the physician assistants have helped me with taking me off of some of my medication while on the program because if I continued to take them while on the fast, I would have been in some serious trouble.  Another vital part is to go to the weekly meetings.  We discuss how our week went, learn about the experiences of others and discuss topics that help us understand why we have gone to the food in the first place.  Not only that, we learn methods of choosing to do things differently so that we will not continue doing things in a negative way in the future.  I have homework assignments given to me, like certain things to read and journaling on specific topics.
• Finding support online.  One of the best places for support online is through the Optifast organization itself.  If you are a part of Facebook, they have their own company page (just type in "Optifast" in the search bar within FB).  People who are going through the program post on there, including me.  I have found such an amazing level of support and have developed new friendships where we chat away from the page in private messages.  I even have a few that I text with.  No one understands better what you are going through than other people walking the same path as you.  I also occassionally post/visit a site called www.liquiddietdiscussion.com, which is a discussion board of people doing various liquid diets.  Sometimes the personalities on there can be very strong, so I take it with a grain of salt.  I especially love the tools they have on their site, including before and after pictures, charts that project weight loss and more.  I discovered, for example, that if I continue losing weight at my current pace, I will be done in September.  Wow!  Whether or not that ends up happening is up to God, but it at least gives me an idea of  the direction in which I am headed.
• Write through your feelings.  I have personally found one of the best tools for me is the act of writing.  I can talk to friends and family about what I'm going through, but writing about things helps me come to a deeper level of healing.  That is part of why I started doing this blog.  When I don't have food to go to, there has got to be some other outlet to express myself in a positive way.  Some of the things I go through are difficult, while others are personal triumphs that I feel compelled to share.  I get to see my progress over time, see the weight loss in pictures and maybe even help others who are either thinking about doing Optifast themselves or who are already on the journey with me.  Although I must admit, when I first started the blog, it was only about me.  Over time, though, I started sharing with others what I'm doing.  In fact, my intention was not to tell people who are in my life that are non-Optifasters about this blog because it's deeply personal.  I mean, I tell my weight for goodness sake!!  Like I'm seriously going to tell people who don't have a weight problem ... get real!  But, I actually do have readers here who are special people in my life that I have shared this blog with.  I trust them with who I am and I know they love me for me, not the number on my scale.  They are among my biggest cheerleaders for sure.

For me, this is a journey that I have to share with other people if I want any chance of being successful.  I don't walk through life alone, so why would this be any different?  It's an exciting time in my life and it's crazy for me not to share that with other people.  Not everyone is going to support my decision to go with a medically supervised fast, but they are supporting me as their friend, co-worker and daughter.  That's all I can ask for.

Forgot to inject insulin this morning ... uh oh

Last night when I came home from work, I had a shake and then fully intended on going for a walk to get some exercise in.  That was my plan, until I discovered one of my cute kitties laying on my bed.  Then I decided to lay down next to her for "just a minute".  That was at 6pm.  I woke up at 9pm.  Some lovely nap!  The problem was I was wide awake ... wide awake.  I found myself scrubbing the kitchen sink, mopping the floor and picking up the house at 1 in the morning.  So, needless to say, by the time I actually got to bed, I only had a few hours left before I had to wake up.  When I did, I was super groggy, dragging and had to rush to get to work on time.  In my haste, I realized about halfway down to my office that, doh, I forgot to not only check my blood sugar this morning but didn't inject the insulin that I do every morning and night.

Since going on Optifast, we reduced the amount of insulin I take as a type 2 diabetic, but I still do need it for now.  The medical staff at the clinic are starting to wean me off of it slowly as I have less and less need.  My blood sugar numbers have been absolutely perfect, a far cry from what I did when I was choosing what food to eat.  I could never, ever normalize my blood sugar.  Anyway, the fact that I skipped injecting insulin put me into a panic somewhat today, a bit worried that I might dip too high at work without having any insulin with me.  Then I forgot about it ... I came home and did what I needed to do before going on a long walk.  I just realized a few minutes ago that it was time to face the music and deal with a high number.  Imagine my shock when I tested on my machine and it said my blood sugar was normal without any insulin in my body.  Wow.  I know the walk probably helped but to have it normal without the aid of any medication is absolutely huge!

I guess this episode was yet another reminder that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.  I definitely will be telling the medical office at Kaiser what happened, but I also get to deal with my feelings about it.  I have heard doctors say that the program helps people wean off of insulin completely.  I couldn't even imagine that being my situation because I have always struggled with maintaining normal blood sugar levels.  All of this is just another reminder to me that miracles are being performed all around me if I just open my eyes long enough to see.  Some may not agree with that, but I do.  I feel the blessings in my life and it means a lot to me. 

I need to confess to an affair I've been having

I've been carrying around a secret and I just need to confess right here and now.  I have been having an affair.  It has left me with a lot of shame and it's a secret I need to let go of.  I have been having an affair, but it's not with who you think it is.  I have been having an illicit romance with ... my bathroom scale.  [I know I tricked you, but got your attention, didn't I??]

When I started Optifast, our group's counselor told us to only weigh ourselves once a week in the clinic and to not do it at home so that we don't get obsessed with the numbers and to make sure that the numbers were accurate by being on the same scale.  And, at first, I didn't weigh myself at home.  But as time went on and I was starting to drop serious weight, I was getting some sort of satisfaction with seeing the drastic losses on the scale.  Yet, when I would go to the clinic and the numbers were not exactly the same, it would mess with my head.  Soon, my worth as a human being was starting to get defined by what the scale said to me.  As I was talking to a friend at work today and was telling her about the scale in my house, I soon realized it was meaning too much to me.  So, I commit to only weighing once a week at the clinic and I have now gotten rid of my scale.  This last week was certainly better for me in terms of not worrying about the numbers, but it's just not good for me to hold on to that scale.  There's no point in it and it's better for me to do this in a very healthy way.  So it's gone, gone, gone!

Weekly weigh-in

I had a better weigh-in tonight than I did last week, losing 5.5 pounds for a total of 80.5.  It was so interesting in our Optifast group tonight because the conversation turned into a talk about cancer and it helped me gain perspective.  I actually was okay tonight about whatever the scale was going to say, but the cancer talk was a reminder for me to always remember the bigger picture.  I had cancer last year, so it wasn't as if I was arbitrarily thinking about some sort of out there concept when other people were talking about cancer ... I lived it.  I went through the biopsy scare, the endless doctors appointments, the surgery that I hoped would remove it all from my body, the crying in the corner of the shower when I was alone with my thoughts, the outpouring of love, just all of it.  I am not discounting the battle with weight, but I also just got the gentle but firm reminder that I don't need to worry about what the scale says.  It is what it is.  And, hey, 80.5 pounds sounds great to me!!

My path with Optifast

The decision to go on Optifast was not an easy one for me.  I would venture to say that is the case for most people who choose this path.  It's sort of one of those "last house on the block" type of decisions.  Just so that you can get an idea of the paths I have been down in my efforts to lose weight, here's a snapshot of what I've tried:

• Jenny Craig
• Weight Watchers - I think I was on it 4 or 5 different times
• Overeaters Anonymous - I did this for a good 10+ years
• Cabbage Soup Diet
• Alphabet Diet
• South Beach Diet
• Eating disorder rehab through the Raider Institute

I am sure there's more I'm forgetting, but you get the picture.  I would say that I lost some weight with all of these programs to some degree, but then they worked until they didn't work.  I gave Overeaters Anonymous a very long haul because I did lose 100 pounds in the program and, more than the weight, it brought me to a level of serenity and healing I had never before experienced in my life.  In fact, if there was more success with losing the weight and keeping it off there, I would still be in the program.  I do still practice a lot of the principles that I learned in the program in my life, such as prayer and turning things over to God.  I just know that I needed something more in order to lose weight, at least for me.  That is hard for me to say because I met so many amazing people there, some of which are still very good friends of mine. 

My life has not been easy, not at all.  There's been a lot of abuse, rape and a battle with trust of people, especially of men, to get me to a place where I was willing to get on my knees and beg God for help.  And when I say beg, I mean beg.  Just typing this brings tears to my eyes because I consider myself to be an intelligent person who can figure things out pretty well most of the time, resilient, independent and just overall a good person (at least I try to be).  So why couldn't I just lose the weight?  Finally, when I reached over 400 pounds, I hit my lowest low I could ever imagine hitting.  Isn't 400 pounds like the fat lady in the corner that they point at when going to a circus?  I'm not making fun of someone's weight here; these are just the thoughts that ran in my head about me alone and no one else.  The health problems I was experiencing, especially for someone at my relatively younger age, was a result of all the weight.  I considered gastric bypass, seriously in fact.  I have a friend at work who had the surgery done, who I know reads this blog (hola chica!), that I would ask questions periodically about the process.  What kept me from doing it is the things I had to do leading up to it, like taking classes and having to lose weight before doing it, as well as the permanent nature of such a surgery and the complications that sometimes comes with it.  I considered lap-band as well, but there are people who have serious problems from that, too.  So, I dropped it for a while, still praying to God to help me, to please show me a way out to a better life.  On the outside, I would smile and the world would never guess what was going on with me.  On the inside, I was dying and desperately needed help.

Then, a man who was very special to me, who I had a relationship with for a very long time over the years, one who I was supposed to marry, absolutely hurt me in a way that I could never describe in words.  It wasn't physical, but it may as well have been.  It was not another woman, either, but it was devastation beyond anything I had ever experienced in my life, or could ever even think of.  That was the straw that broke the camel's back.  Between that and having had a recent surgery that was unsuccessful, in addition to surviving cancer last year, led me to getting to a new level of hurt I felt like I could not breathe through.  I remember just praying to God, through a tremendous amount of tears, to just please help me.  Help me to breathe, help me to be strong and courageous, help me to lean on my faith.  With all of the humility in the world, I told God that I trusted Him to carry me through and that's what I would need now ... to be carried. 

Suddenly I found myself feeling an inner renewal that brought me to the next step.  I had an appointment with my primary care physician for something unrelated.  I had talked to her about weight loss options before, including Optifast, but never felt strong enough to follow through.  At this appointment, however, I looked at her with tears in my eyes and told her that I was ready.  This doctor had been having serious talks with me over the years about why the weight loss was important, but she was kind and gentle in her approach.  I heard her, each and every time, but I just wasn't ready.  This time, she couldn't have been more supportive than she was.  I had resolved to myself that I would follow all the rules of Optifast because I know people lose weight on the program.  I also know people can gain it back when they go back to having regular food again, so it was especially important for me to do what they tell me I need to do with no deviation whatsoever, as if I know more than they do.  I don't!  In the process, I have been praying to God often to please give me strength through this and not to be afraid to do the work involved.  I don't mean just drinking shakes, I mean the soul-searching, the leveling of pride, dealing with things now that I never wanted to deal with before.  Maybe that means I will have to deal more with being abused or surviving a horrendous rape.  I can't eat the feelings away, so I'm going to have to walk through them.

People in my life have been really supportive.  There are times when some will see me, notice the significant weight loss, and then look at me with eyes of judgement once they find out I'm doing Optifast.  I understand that it won't be easy for everyone to understand, and I can definitely respect that.  Hopefully, though, people that have read this post can understand why I chose the path I did.  Still, if not, perhaps they can support me anyway because all I want to do is be healthier.  I don't ever kid myself that I'm going to be a size six, but a normal, healthy body size is what I look forward to.  God is doing such an amazing work in me and I feel His grace blessing me every single day.  He blessed me before, but I wasn't present enough to accept it or even to acknowledge it.  I had to be brought down to my knees, literally, to be open and willing enough to receive.  Every day is one that is filled with gratitude.  I don't go to food now to hide away or seek some sort of false comfort.  I am doing what is prescribed and, truly, I am so humbled at the opportunity.  There is a peace and joy in my heart that I have not experienced in a very long time.  I smile a lot now.  Thank you, God, for this.  You have woken me up.

Literally falling off my body

There are little victories we have in life that may seem, at least on the surface, as little things that don't really mean much.  Then there are those victories that we know are nothing to take for granted.  I had that happen to me today.  I was getting dressed for work this morning and, as is my usual, was running out of time trying to figure out what ensemble to put together.  I always tell myself that I should plan better the night before.  Do I?  Uh, that would be a big fat noooo!  This morning was no different.  I grabbed a pair of pants, the same pair of pants I wore in the picture of my body assessment before starting Optifast.  I jumped into them, pulled them up and they fell right down past my hips.  I tried again, not registering what was going on.  I just thought I was tired but when I did it again, they fell down a second time.  Then I realized, oh dear Lord, the reason they don't stay up is because they are too big on me now. 

Now, just to give you all some perspective, my weight had gotten so much before Optifast that I was busting out of the biggest size they offered at plus-size stores (the one I always went to was the Avenue where their biggest size was a 30/32).  I am saying this on here in a very public way because I want to express the place I've come from.  Nothing was fitting any more and I was even resorting to ordering things online because I knew there were bigger sizes available.  It would make me sad, but that's the place where I came from.  No matter what I did, for several years, I just could not lose weight.  In fact, I was just gaining.  So, to have clothes literally fall off of me right now is a miracle on earth.  God has supremely blessed me by leading me to a place where I not only have a program that can help me get healthier but also the right place within myself to not sabotage efforts and just be as free and as willing as I need to be through this process.  I am in such a grateful space!