Weekly weigh-in

I had my weigh-in yesterday and initially was super disappointed because I didn't lose any weight.  I was shocked and started blaming myself.  And it was a real eye-opener that I was focused too much on the numbers.  I am the type of person that can get just as obsessed with the numbers that are too high as those that are too low.  Thankfully, I have some great people in my life that helped me get perspective.  I did exercise a lot in the past week and there are many factors that go into not losing any weight.  I decided that I was just going to move on from this and let it go, which I have.  I am in such a healthier place and couldn't be happier about that. 

Yesterday at work, a student I have worked with for four years brought in an Easter gift for me, this yellow pail with a sweet little face painted on it.  As you can see, it was filled with candy (most of which you can't even see in this picture), flower seeds and a sweet little card.  I met this young lady as she was entering as a freshmen and get to see her graduate with a goal of eventually becoming a lawyer.  And I know she'll do it, too.  She is the sweetest girl and actually told me in her card that if it wasn't for me, she wouldn't be going on to college.  Can I just say how much I love working with kids?  There is something so special about them.  This morning I donated all the candy to a woman who always keeps some on hand at her desk for kids and other staff.  I was able to give it all away and not even give it a second thought.  And I'm excited to plant the seeds in the backyard so I can see sunflowers sprouting up.  How fun!!

Family is always such a challenge

My relationship with my mother is so much better these days.  If you read my story to learn more about what brought me to Optifast, you'll know things were very rocky with her when I was growing up.  There was a time when I confronted her about the abuse and that led to a period of twelve years where we did not speak.  About two years ago, we came back into each others' lives and decided to start fresh.  Things have been generally wonderful between us, both working hard at talking things out.  However, there are times when the old person of who she used to be comes out and also the same for me.  She used to have times when she would become very angry and defensive with the "my way or the highway" kind of thinking.  For my part, I was always the little child who loved her and didn't want to upset her so I wouldn't say things when I was bothered.  That led to me eating ... a lot.  While she had really worked on her anger in those twelve years, I really worked on having my voice heard with her as an adult and not as a little girl.  Amazingly, we both have figured out how to communicate with each other in very loving ways. 

When I told my mother about the weight loss program, she was supportive.  At the same time, however, she also has been manipulative in small ways.  She just cannot understand how I am not eating any sort of food whatsoever.  When I explain to her that all of my nutritional needs are met while doing the program, she just can't wrap her brain around that. 

"You mean you can't even have grilled chicken or fruit?" 
"No, Mother, just the shakes and chicken broth."  She knows she's in trouble when I call her Mother.

Her response is always to laugh.  I'm not sure if she's laughing at how ridiculous she thinks it sounds, at me for doing such a program, or both.  I don't let her get away with the laughter, though.  I tell her that I love her very much, but that it hurts when she laughs like that because it feels like she's making fun of me and that makes me feel bad.  I tell her that if she doesn't understand the program, that's fine, but could she still just be supportive of me anyway?  Besides, I've been on it for over two months and obviously I am getting all of my nutritional needs met because otherwise I would be dead by now! 

So, last night we were on the phone and talking about visiting my brother.  We live in San Diego county and he lives in Vegas.  We like to go about twice a year.  She wanted to wait until Thanksgiving since I'm on a "diet" and I told her that I would be fine going during the summer like we usually do.  She was being protective of me with all the food and buffets they have in Vegas.  I appreciate that, but I said to her that our visit wasn't about the food but about spending time with our family.  Besides, I told her, I'll just bring my little blender with me and the shakes ... they travel well.  And, again, she responded by laughing.  It wasn't just a little giggle but full on laughter.  I scolded her and said, "Mother, stop laughing at me."  Again, out came Mother.  She accounts my responses to being "cranky" because I'm not getting any food.  How is it that family can get under your skin more than any other group of people?  Grrrrr.

We are growing, though.  We never end a phone call or a visit without telling each other that we love one another.  She is proud of me for the weight loss and I am proud of her for being willing to engage in conversation that we previously may have never broached.  She is from a different country than America and so sometimes she just has some cultural biases that she approaches life with, in addition to having her own issues around weight, men, abuse and addiction.  Meanwhile, for me, we have lived in San Diego since I was three years old.  My father, who was serving in the Navy at the time, met her while he was stationed in the Philippines, but then got stationed back in San Diego after I was born.  So I don't approach life with cultural biases at all because the culture I live in is San Diego!  I don't speak Tagalog, never have, and so things are different for me.  I am completely respectful of where she comes from, but also have to honor myself and who I am. 

We will be going to Vegas in June and I am hoping, as we get closer to the time of our visit, that she comes to a greater understanding of where I am in my weight loss process.  If anything, I just hope she will be encouraging and stop her laughter!  My brother is very happy that I am taking care of myself and that is what I want for all of my family to understand ... this is about taking good care of myself and not about whether or not I eat food.  I know not everyone is going to understand why I went on Optifast, why I need to do a medically supervised program, and why I can't just go on another diet.  The fact is that some people reading this won't understand either.   That is okay, but I just ask for support.  "Hey Kathy, I don't quite understand, but I support you."  That would be fantastic.  I feel so much better than I have in years and am getting healthier and healthier as each day passes.  My blood pressure is so much lower, my blood sugar levels are normal and, by the way, I'm losing weight.  Yahoooo ;-)

Blood sugar levels

When I started Optifast, one of the things the medical staff at the clinic told me I would be able to do is get off all of my diabetes-related medication.  That was such a joy to me because I was taking a combination of pills and insulin everyday.  Just the fact that I was at that state as a Type 2 diabetic was difficult for me because most Type 2's regulate with just oral medication in addition to diet and exercise.  Yet, even though I was injecting insulin, I just could not regulate my levels no matter what I did.  So, I would get extremely frusted and just tell myself that if I'm messing up anyway, why worry about eating the right things only to fail miserably each day?  I would just take more insulin to try to keep my levels normal.  I was going through a bottle of insulin within a week or so, which is quick since each bottle typically is supposed to last me about a month. 

So anyway, I was taken off all my diabetes meds.  However, my blood sugar levels would not go below about 225.  Given that a fasting blood sugar of 80-120 is a normal rate, I was getting frustrated.  It was certainly better than I was doing before.  Even with injections in the morning of about 35 cc's, 75 cc's at bedtime and use of fast-acting insulin at dinner in addition to oral medications, I still was around the 275 level all the time prior to starting Optifast.  It was a royal mess, let me just say.  The medical staff and I came to the agreement that I would start to inject again, once in the morning and once at bedtime until I got my blood sugar levels to about 150.  We were very conservative at first, not wanting to inject too much. 

After about a month, I am happy to report that my blood sugar levels are now perfect and actually a little low, so I may be able to cut back on some of the insulin.  And that bottle that used to only last me a week is now something I am going to have to throw out after a month with half the bottle still full (they expire 30 days after they have been opened).  Regardless of whether or not I can cut back on insulin, I just am so elated to know that the diabetes in my body is not out of control any longer.  When I test my blood sugar now, there is no fear of what the meter is going to read back at me, even right after having a shake when it would be expected that the level would be significantly elevated.  The physican assistants I have been working with have told me that eventually I will get to the point, as I lose more weight, that I will wean off the insulin significantly, if not altogether.  Whether or not that happens, I can say that I am very happy of where I am with my blood sugar numbers right now.  I don't want the diabetes to get worse in me, so even if I had to inject for the rest of my life at my present level, I seriously would be okay with that, too.  It's in Gods hands, that's for sure.  This is all so incredibly miraculous, I just can't stress that enough.

MRI saga

I finally completed all the MRI's and didn't pass out this time!  I had my left wrist and neck done today.  I am amazed at the different ways I get shown how significantly the weight loss impacts my life.  For the neck MRI, I had to sit in a very narrow space.  The picture on the left is exactly what it looked like.  As soon as I looked at the space, I thought to myself, Oh no, here we go again ... I'm not going to fit.  Then I remembered a prayer I said to God in the car on the way down to the appointment, which is that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  Those aren't just empty words to me, they actually mean something.  The things I didn't think I could do before I am discovering I actually can do.  If I don't fit in the machine, then we'll go to plan C if necessary.  With 75 pounds off of my frame, things are different.  I fit in the space and they were able to easily buckle the seat belt around my waist before sliding me back further into the machine.  I did have to have this white circle thingy around my neck, so I could not see anything in front of me.  I took that as an opportunity to close my eyes and just be in peace.  I thought about all the things I am grateful for.  I thought about how much my life is changing and, as a result, how much I am changing.  Things that I didn't want to do before are things I can't wait to do now.  For instance, I'm going for a 3-mile walk in the morning and I'm super excited to just get out there and start moving.  I'm becoming the exact person I used to spend all sorts of time rolling my eyes at.  Enjoy exercise?  Hardly!  Yet, it's true.  I am enjoying this experience.  Today I put jeans on that have been hanging in my closet forever.  It has been years since I have worn jeans.  And I put sandals on that previously did not fit.  I never realized you could lose weight in your feet, but that very thing is happening to me.  This is such a scary time in my life, but scary because it's all good, it's what I have been dreaming about and hoping would happen.  I feel like I'm coming out of a coma ... I was alive before but I just didn't feel like I was living.  Now I am seeing things through different eyes.

Weekly weigh-in

Hi gang.  I had my Optifast group tonight and have lost another 9.5 pounds this week.  My two-month total is an amazing 75 pounds.  Can you believe it?  Thank God, seriously...THANK YOU!!

Doctors and shopping

Today was the start of a week off of work.  Glorious vacation ... I love you!! I still have classes this week, but not having to get up at 5 a.m. is a real treat.  This morning I had an appointment with a new hand specialist to look over my injuries.  He prescribed a lot more meds I have to take, but if it's going to help me get through this, I'll do whatever I have to do.  Tomorrow I have two MRI's to do and another appointment on Wednesday with a chiropractor to work on the pain.  Breathe, Kathy, just breathe.

I then went into Smart & Final because I'm low on the sugar-free Torani syrups that I put in my Optifast shakes.  It is amazing what a different experience I have now being in stores where they sell food.  First of all, my bill is much smaller!  When I'm not buying food, let alone the horrible stuff that shouldn't even be classified as food, the cart has much less stuff.  All I had in mine today was the Torani bottles, diet soda, and a large packet of sugar-free gum.  However, I was very aware of the other foods around me, especially with Easter being this weekend.  They had cookies, cakes, breads, pies and the like at the end of practically every aisle and people just piling it high into their carts.  I felt empathy for the people who were larger with a lot in their carts.  That was me, queen of the bingers for a long time.  No one knows what goes on in the privacy of a person's home, but I can tell you from my experience that it is so very different from the persona we portray for the world to see.  I also know, again from my own experience, that it only comes when you are ready and one hundred percent committed to make the change. 

People always ask me how in the world it is that I am doing Optifast and comment that they could never do it.  I totally get it!  Personally, I just could never do this on my own without the loving Hand of God and all of my friends and family surrounding me in support and love.  Yes, I'm doing the footwork, but God is such a wonderful Father to me and puts people in my life who bless me beyond measure.  They have no idea how their smiling faces, supportive hugs and yay-Kathy attitudes make this journey for me so much easier.   I can be in a place like a grocery store and still walk out of there not having shame about what's in my cart.

A beautiful Sunday morning

As I type this, I sit in such incredible gratitude.  I just got back from a very long walk this morning that felt like it was only 20 minutes long - which is a good thing!  It rained overnight, so there's this crispness in the air that just makes me feel so alive.  I am a living, breathing miracle.  I know, some of you may be rolling your eyes right now, but if you're a believer like I am, you are shaking your head up and down in agreement and understanding.  Just two months ago, I was probably in the worst spot I have ever been in.  My health was going downhill fast and I know that if I continued where I was at, I was going to die.  My breathing was always labored, I was always feeling hot from all the added weight, every part of me ached and it was just not good. That's not to say I didn't try to do better, but I just felt lost and near hopelessness.  God, meanwhile, never gave up on me.  I always turned to Him, even in moments when I would turn to no one else because it was just too hard.  I turned to him in faith and He, in turn, has held my hand and never let it go.  Two months ago, I weighed 417 pounds.  Tomorrow is my weigh-in day and I will likely hit the 70-pounds lost mark.  I feel so much better, healthier, optimistic ... happy.  Last night, when I was at church, I took communion (which I have permission to do from my Optifast counselor).  The little tiny piece of bread and thimble of juice are passed out row by row, and since I always sit near the front of church, I closed my eyes and bowed my head in prayer until it was time for all of us to take them together.  Soon my eyes were filled with tears because of the emotion I was feeling for God saving me.  The strength I have to walk through this journey and face the challenges I have every day as I lose weight only comes from one place.  This is not an easy road and anyone that says drinking shakes to lose weight is easy is not being truthful.  It is making me face emotions that sometimes I would rather not face or sit in feelings when sometimes all I want to do is push them away with food.  To have a body that is melting away before my very eyes is something incredible and I just thank God for blessing me.  Yes, it is a beautiful, gorgeous Sunday morning.