Challenges

My post right is coming to you at about 4 a.m.  I decided to take a nap at 8 p.m. last night.  Really, who was I kidding ... I decided to go to bed, not take a nap.  I was just tired from my day.  It was a roller coaster of emotions and I guess my body and mind were just exhausted.

First of all, the night before, I tried sleeping with my CPAP.  Tried.  It was four hours of not even nodding off, let alone sleeping.  I know the advise was to keep it on until I fell asleep, but I had to gauge whether I was going to lay there for eight hours with no sleep or at least giving it the four hours and then take it off to get some sleep so that I would at least be functional at work.  I promise I'm not giving up on it.  I'm going to keep trying.  I know that having sleep apnea is very dangerous and so I will keep trying.  I do have an appointment with a doctor from the sleep clinic in a couple of weeks to see how I'm doing.  If I'm still not sleeping by that point with the machine, then I'm pretty sure they'll put me through a sleep study.  While the thought of trying to sleep while someone is watching me through a glass pane and having the machine on my face doesn't appeal to me, I'll do whatever I can to move to that place that will allow me to sleep well.  I pray that with continued weight loss, I won't need to bother with the machine in the future.

Speaking of doctors, I had a follow-up appointment today with a gynecologist a few weeks after I had the endometrial biopsy done.  I decided that I was going to talk to the doctor about the treatment I got from the physician's assistant before the procedure was done because it was upsetting.  I was going to be brave and strong while I did it.  When I got in the office, the nurse told me that the doctor was going to examine me because it was my first time seeing her, so I had to take off everything from my waist down and put the "napkin" over my lap to cover myself.  Great.  Do you know how hard it is to be brave and confident, attempting to have a serious conversation with a doctor when your underwear is in one corner of the room while you're on the other??  But, I was brave and told her how difficult it was to encounter her P.A. with the way she spoke to me.  I did cry during my conversation with the doctor, which made me mad at myself, but the tears were there for a reason.  I suppose it was just the frustration of being told that my weight would be the cause of cancer (if I had it).  I told her that was so difficult because I felt judged and, having had cancer of a different form just two years ago, I'm especially sensitive to that word even being brought up.  The part that was hilarious though was, when I started to cry, the doctor was looking around for tissues and I said to her, "That's okay, I'll just use this" ... I reached down and grabbed the edge of the big napkin that was covering my lap.  It made us both laugh, so at least we got some comic relief.  She did tell me she was sorry about how I was treated the last time I was there and it wouldn't happen again.  In regards to the medical part of the visit, we have decided to continue me on a oral pill treatment.  If it doesn't work, then we'll be discussing different options, such as implanting an IUD.  So far so good on the pills.

The other big issue of my day was dealing with some difficulties I have been having with starting grad school.  Without giving you all a blow by blow of what has been going on, I've been trying to get answers from my grad counselor in terms of signing up for classes.  I'm starting in the spring term and it didn't appear as though any of the first-year classes that I needed were being offered.  I contacted my counselor and it took him from Tuesday until Friday to get back to me.  I get they're busy, but classes start on Monday!  I was really angry and I tried contacting the guy three times.  With a lot of twists and turns along the way, I found out that because I'm starting in the spring, I would need to take second year classes and then do my beginning courses when a brand new cohort starts in the fall.  I ended up talking with Dr. B, who is in charge of my

particular program in San Diego and is the professor teaching some of my classes.  He assured me that I will be able to take all 48 units of my program in San Diego and not have to drive anywhere else (for a time, it looked like I would have to drive up to Murrieta or L.A. because that's where the main campus for Azusa Pacific is where I am taking classes).  The communication was severely lacking, especially with having to do with my grad counselor.  He is the same person I was dealing with when I was applying and he was exactly the same way then.  Dr. B expressed that he personally signed off on my application and is looking forward to having me as a student so I have nothing to worry about in terms of being able to participate in the program.  The only thing I have to decide is whether or not I will start this spring or just wait until the fall.  If I start this spring, there is only one class that will use concepts introduced from another class, so I might feel as though I'm behind.  After talking to one of the counselors at work, she was telling me that she came into her grad program after having taken a semester somewhere else and she always felt a little "off" by not doing everything together with her cohort.  I have some thinking to do this weekend.  As I was talking to another friend about this, she wondered if maybe this was happening for a reason.  It got me to thinking about something someone said to me a while ago.  It's a sweet woman who regularly reads this blog and she asked me if maybe I should consider waiting to start grad school in the fall since I will have a lot going on with the upcoming gastric bypass.  The more I thought about, the more I wondered if perhaps she was right and this was God's way of letting me know that it's okay to wait and focus on taking good care of my health leading up to the surgery.  I have a lot to think about this weekend.  Dr. B. did ask me to let him know my decision on Monday.  He did tell me that whichever direction I decide to go will be just fine.

As I was going home from work, I decided that it was a good time to make a run to Costco so that I could pick up fruits, veggies and whatever else I needed.  As every member knows, you have to flash your Costco card to get in.  I pulled out my card and showed it to the person at the door, but what I had flashed her was my Kaiser card.  Ha ha ... no wonder she looked at me funny.  They don't even look the same, I just must have been tired.  As I was going through and picking up my healthy food - spaghetti squash (I didn't even know they had my fav veggie there!), spring salad, mushrooms, peppers, artichoke hearts, etc. - I happened upon veggie chips.  I've had them before and went through a lame rationalization in my head that since they're veggie chips, they're good for me.  Okay, sure, they are not as bad as normal chips, but still.  I put them in my cart and off I went.  Guess what happened to me?  I found myself munching on them like regular chips.  My fingers were greasy, so I knew they couldn't really be called veggies.  I finally was munching so much that I just had to crush all the chips and then bury them in my trash can.  Those just aren't okay for me to eat, at least not right now.  I realize now, as I reflect on it, those chips really screwed with me because I didn't get nearly all my water in.  It wasn't only the chips, but the mentality that goes with them that led me to even making the choice to pick them up.  When I'm in the right place emotionally, I don't want to eat stuff like that.  So, they are smashed to the consistency of sawdust at the bottom of my trash can and I'm done with them.  I can't wait to have my healthier stuff tomorrow.  It makes me feel like I'm taking better care of my body.  I've been doing good this week on getting more exercise in, drinking my water and eating well, so I don't want one bad choice or day negate all of that.

Water Challenge Day 18:  Drank 58 of 186 ounces