Monday, November 25, 2013

Hindsight is always 20/20

I wish I could have do-over on my day.  Of course, things are always easier when you know how it will play out.  I just was so self-critical today and I really don't like that.  To start off, I had an appointment with my physical therapist very early this morning.  There's a table I lie on where he checks my flexibility and I do my exercises with him.  Right across from the table is a big mirror.  When I was done with the exercises, he asked me to sit up and slip on my shoes while he was going to go make me copies of some new exercises he would like me to do at home.  I was very much aware of the mirror so I purposely sat out of view from it.  My left arm ended up being visible and all I could focus on was the excess weight in my upper arms.  I found myself looking away, at anywhere but there.  I tried to force my sleeve down to cover up that body part.  I was so relieved when he came back to rescue me from myself.

Later on I was at home working in my closet.  I finally decided to put away some of the clothes that don't fit me any longer after I became very frustrated with what I was going to take on my vacation tomorrow.  Barely anything in that closet fits.  I know that I am working on it and, hopefully, will continue losing weight but it's so frustrating to have to recycle the same five outfits over and over again.  I remember the big deal it was last year for me to give away boxes and boxes of my "fat" clothes.  Now I regret doing that.  Of course, at the time, I didn't think I'd ever be back here.  That is not to say I'm at my highest weight.  Any time I need a reminder of that, I can look on this very blog and see the number on the right side of the screen from MyFitnessPal that tells me how much lower I am than my highest weight.  Right now, that's 60 pounds and that definitely is a big deal.

So, I'm just trying the best I can to regroup.  I'm trying to ease up on myself and not be so self-critical.  I want to walk forward into my road trip tomorrow with a positive attitude.  I can let today go, knowing I don't need to treat myself so badly and knowing I'm a work in progress.  On a brighter note, I'm headed off with my mom to Vegas tomorrow.  It's usually a five-hour car trip from here.  My brother and his wife live there as well as my mom's cousin and her husband.  On the other side of my family, my dad will be there with my stepmom from Utah and my stepbrother, his wife and my little niece are coming in as well from Portland.  I'm splitting my time between my mom's side of the family and then my dad's side.  It's great, though, that we'll all be in town together.  As crazy as my family makes me at times, I love them and am looking forward to spending time with them.  I have decided that I'm not going to tell my dad about the gastric bypass yet.  That conversation is not going to happen with him until I'm much closer to a surgery date.  I have a long time between now and then so I'll just take it one step at a time.  Off to pack my bag!


Jen RNYforme said...

Kathy, I know exactly how you feel. I can't tell you how many times I gave away my "big" clothes only to end up needed them again. Such a frustrating feeling. I did take a big step forward last week and I donated all my bigger clothes. After my gastric bypass, I seriously will never go back up to a high weight again, I may have a little regain (10-20lbs) but I don't plan on EVER gaining 100 plus pounds again.

Kathy said...

Such a great attitude! I pray I'm never in this space again, too. It's painful to go through these types of emotions, especially after having lost a lot of weight only to be here again. Hoping to continue moving onward ;-)

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