Thursday, December 6, 2012

A freakin flood of emotions

I went back to work today.  Being at home yesterday was what I needed to rest and save my voice/energy.  I have a job that has me interacting with people all day long, so it was nice to have a reprieve.  As much as I felt better in that regard, I felt worse today in another.

For about a month now, I have been feeling pretty sick inside but I haven't really said anything to anyone about it because I already have other medical stuff going on and there are some things that other people don't want you sharing with them.  Trust me people, this is one of them.  I can't bring myself to tell you all the gory details, but let's just say it hasn't been good.  Finally, today, one of my friends at work looked at me and asked me how I was doing and a flood of tears came out.  I'm sure she was asking me about how I was doing in terms of my cold, but in an instant she knew there was something else going on.  She ordered me to sit down in a chair in her office and I then told her everything, gory details and all.  She made it safe for me to do that and these incredible emotions came out, too.  I didn't even see them coming, so I'm sure she was just as shocked as I was.

Every single day I have been sick to my stomach.  It started about a month ago, but at first it was just a little bit of sickness so I sort of blew it off to feeling stressed out, tired or whatever I rationalized in my mind.  However, as the weeks have progressed, the level of sickness I feel only gets worse and worse.  It's to the point where I am having to drive myself home from work during lunch, which is about 30 minutes each way without traffic, let myself be as sick as possible and then head off back to work, making sure to pull myself together enough to be able to finish out the day.  If I don't have the opportunity to come home during lunch, then somehow I am able to hang on until the end of the work day by some miracle but then driving like a madwoman home.  That's what it's been like for the last week, maybe two.  Now I'm not having any nourishment in my body until I get back home because of the fear that I will get too sick out and about.  So that means I am not having any Optifast shakes, nor any other food, until the late afternoon.  The few times that I couldn't stand it and decided to have something, I dearly paid the consequences.  Water was about all I could handle.

Why in the hell haven't I gone to see a doctor sooner?  I'm lame, that's the only thing I can say.  I have seen so many freakin doctors lately, been poked with so many needles for test after test and, frankly, I was embarrassed about how sick I had become and that I let it go too long.  But after I cried with my friend this morning, I knew it was time to stop being the strong, silent, stoic woman that I often am and ask for help.  Obviously, there is something very wrong and I'm no doctor.  I did call the doctor's office and as I described what was going on to the nurse, I was crying with her, too.  She was very sweet and told me it was going to be alright.  She told me I needed to come in right away ... I literally had just enough time to shut down my computer at work before heading to an appointment with a doctor I had never met before.

The doctor met with me and went over my history for the last year or so.  As I was telling him my story, I started crying again.  Geez, is there something in the water?  I never have cried so much in one day like that in a long time.  I must have really been frustrated and at my absolute wit's end.  So now I have to go to a lab first thing in the morning before going in to work and get more tests done and only after that may I begin to take the new medications I have been prescribed.  He is hopeful that unless the tests come up with something incredibly serious, I should be back in normal shape within a couple of weeks, if not sooner.  Lord I hope so!  It is such an incredibly uncontrollable feeling of being helpless when you want to feel better but your body just doesn't want to cooperate.  I have been trying to keep my mind on other things, like going through boxes of clothes last night and being into that.  The true teller for me these days that something is majorly wrong is if I don't get my regular exercise in.  I haven't had even so much as a walk or anything for about a week and a half or so.  That's just not like me these days.

Sorry to be so elusive about exactly what is going on, but trust me when I say you just don't want to know.  But I do promise that I am seeking medical care for it now and I pray I will be back to myself very soon. 


Post a Comment