Sleeping and body image

My mother went home after spending four days at my house.  It's nice to have my place to myself again, although I do miss her.  I know that she will be living with me in the future, probably after she retires from her job, so these little visits over are good.  She's alone and, especially as she gets older, I don't want her living by herself.  I really am more amazed each day at hour our relationship just continues to grow and flourish, especially after such an abusive childhood.  This helps me see that really all things are possible.

It looks like my APAP machine (CPAP with auto adjustment features) is in so I'm going tomorrow to get a fitting.  I told the person on the phone that the mask I was given to do the sleep study just isn't working for me and that I'd like to have the nasal pillow.  It was pretty amazing in how easy that conversation went because they told me it wouldn't be a problem.  I'm so grateful to have insurance because the machine along with everything associated is completely free to me.

My biggest problem with sleep is that the only position I can sleep in is on my tummy.  That's normally fine, but that is not going to work after I get the gastric bypass surgery done.  What happens to me is that I'll lay on my back and I'll start to fall asleep, but then I either snore or stop breathing and then I wake up.  I've tried many different positions to make it happen - bigger pillows, smaller pillows, sitting up, laying perfectly flat.  No matter what I do, I just can't get to sleep.  This is a big reason I decided to get on the machine for the sleep apnea so early when my surgery won't be for another eight months or so ... I need the time to adjust.  My dad said he has the same problem but he was able to overcome it eventually with the nasal pillow.  He said it did take time and patience, but it is doable.  Lord help me but I pray that the surgery will aid in getting rid of the sleep apnea altogether.

Speaking of the surgery, I'm feeling really antsy.  It is months away and I just want to get going with it already.  I know a big part of that is that I've been having some really major body image issues coming up lately.  This morning when I was changing my clothes and looking in the mirror, I focused on my thighs.  The excess on my upper thigh feels like a growth to me, even though I know in my head it is not.  I recently watched a program on TLC, Half Ton Killer, and I know I am comparing my body to hers.  It's the story of a woman who weighed over 1,000 pounds and was accused of killing her little nephew by accidentally rolling over on him while babysitting him.

Obviously I don't weigh 1,000 pounds.  I just sat there staring at the screen and looking at the mass of flesh surrounding her, feeling so broken-hearted for her but also feeling as though I am the same way.  There are so many physical limitations that she has that she is now bed-ridden.  I wondered how she could get to that extreme point without doing something about it, but then realized I am in the same situation.  Sure, it's not as drastic as hers, but it seems like I closed my eyes one day and wondered how all the weight piled on without me really recognizing how bad it had gotten.  Obviously I saw what was happening, but I guess it just goes to show me how much of an addiction food is to me, just like alcohol is to the alcoholic.

Whether this was before I went on Optifast or after the weight came back, the devastation is still just as strong.  I just don't want to feel the physical and emotional pain of obesity any more.  I don't want to continue putting my life at risk being this size.  I know there is a process I need to go through with the surgery and the next stage of that will happen in about three weeks with me starting the six-months of classes. I just want it now.  I want to close my eyes and fast forward to the time I can have the surgery done.  It's hard being in this body and not feeling shame when I look in the mirror.

Of course, in the meantime, I do have the opportunity to be proactive and do my best to be as healthy as I can right now.  Kaiser has set a goal for me to lose 37 pounds before the surgery, so I'm doing my best to work on that.  Obviously I have to work on the feelings I have going on.  I'm so glad that I was brave enough to seek out therapy because my head is the source of all the negative emotions around body image.  I think it is vitally important for me to continue working with the therapist throughout this entire process.  Otherwise, I am quite certain I'll repeat patterns that got me here in the first place.  I definitely don't want that to happen.

Merry Christmas

Hello my four readers!

Yeah, I know there are more than four readers on this blog, but it helps me to be more transparent if I just imagine there are only a handful of people reading.  I write our counseling newsletter at the high school where I work and every time I hit that "send" button, it tells me the number of people it goes out to - more than 7,000 in one fell swoop the last time I looked.  Yet, I must imagine it's only a couple of folks otherwise I'll get into a perfectionist mode and we don't need that out of me.

I hope you had a love and merry Christmas.  Hopefully it wasn't all about the presents but about love.  That's what I think about when I think about Christmas ... God's love for us to give us such a precious gift and our love for each other.  I have been blessed to spend the last few days with my mom.  While it's been hard living with another person and especially a mom for a fiercely independent person, it has also made me grateful that I can have this time with her.  I think of a very dear friend whose mother got ill from cancer right before the holidays a few years ago and passed away a few months afterwards.  She goes through incredible pain during this time of the year, so it really helps remind me that I am supremely blessed to have both my parents and stepmother around.

Instead of cooking, my mom and I decided to go to one of the Indian casinos for dinner.  We took along a friend of hers, who is one of my "aunties" that I have known since I was a little girl.  My mother has a gold card at this particular casino so we were able to stroll ahead of at least 400 people waiting in line to go to the VIP room and we got two meals comped as well.  I didn't do great in having a low-fat meal ... we were in a buffet and I rationalized to myself that it's Christmas.  I know, it's really stupid for me to think that way. I was completely aware of exactly what I was doing.  I'm owning it here though.  I can say that I didn't do nearly as badly as I could have.  Watching people in a buffet is very interesting.  There was crab, shrimp, lobster, steak, etc. and people had piles of food on their plates.  I am so glad I don't live in a place like Vegas with buffets in every direction you turn.

There was this guy that my mom wanted me to meet at the casino.  He's a dealer she has known for years.  She said he had a gastric bypass a couple of years ago and has really gone down in size.  She wanted me to talk to him about his experience while we were there tonight.  It turns out that he wasn't on shift and I said to her, "That's okay, Mom ... I've done a lot of research and talked to a lot of people who had the gastric bypass so I'm feeling really comfortable with my decision."  She then turned to me and confessed that she was hoping to hook me up with him since he broke up with his girlfriend.  I looked at her with a raised eyebrow - now my mom is trying to fix me up?  Seriously??  I had to hug her for being so cute.  God bless her caring heart.

I feel like I gotta run 10 miles tomorrow to work off the food I had today at the buffet.  I commit to being sane and rational tomorrow.  If I go work out, then great, but I will spend no more than an hour at the gym or no more than three miles out walking.  I have to remember what my physical therapists says about overdoing it for my knees and hip.  I gotta heed his advice.  Merry Christmas!

Being an example

I'm in the full swing of vacation and am really enjoying not having to do much.  I'm keeping myself occupied for sure, but I do like the idea of not waking up at 5 a.m.  Let's face it, that pretty sucks!  My mom is with me over a few days this Christmas which is really nice in some ways and, in others, I get to see how I am too independent.  I'm really used to doing things my way, when I want to do them and in what manner.  She just wants to take care of me and I see myself standing in the way, being a bit bull-headed.  I need to let that go and let her be a mother to me.  She did share with me that she is happy for my decision in pursing the gastric bypass surgery and actually is going to talk to her doctor when she sees her next month about getting it done herself.  She really has come to recognize my reasons for pursuing this path - health.  Living healthy and feeling healthy.  I'm so astonished that she wants to do it for herself, but extremely happy at the same time.  She's 63 and I do want her around for a long time.  I don't know how  became a source of inspiration with her in this journey, but I'll take whatever I can get.

Speaking of weight, I've had a rough go of it over the last couple of days.  I have been getting really down on myself about all the weight I have gained back and how much weight I have to lose to be healthy.  It doesn't seem like any of my clothes fit me, or least hardly any fit.  Just carrying in some groceries this afternoon made me realize what kind of damage I have done after years of carrying the weight around.  Even 20 pounds on a person's frame is an extra load on the joints, back and heart.  My seat belt is getting tighter around me in the carrand I'm just a lot more aware of excess weight right now.  Instead of going out and getting a few things that fit, I continue to try to squeeze at what I have.  It makes me tug at all of my shirts and try to shimmy my way into pants.  In a sense, I think it's a way of punishing myself. By not wearing clothes that fit or make me feel comfortable, I am hurting myself, especially the emotional part of me.  Actually, I didn't realize until just now that that is what I have been doing to myself ... being passive aggressive.  After Christmas on Thursday, I promise I will go out and pick up some clothes that actually fit.  In time, I pray I'll get smaller and won't have to spend much time in those clothes.  Regardless, I feel really blessed to have the opportunity to feel better and healthier.  Good health doesn't seem like a lofty goal for many people, but it does for me, that's for sure.

The present moment

The last couple of days have been emotionally difficult in dealing with the devastating news about my graduate program in terms of working in my district after the program is done.  However, I am in a much better space now.  While the bad news is still hard, I have had great conversations with very supportive friends and have spent a lot time in prayer about this.  I am still going to move forward with grad school with the intention of doing school counseling in the school district where I now work.  I have administrative support standing up against the current policies and, who knows, maybe something will change by the time I'm done with my program.  In the event that nothing has changed, then I will walk in faith, knowing there is place for me somewhere.  A good friend reminded me that God does not give us gifts for no reason.  Perhaps the way we intend to use those gifts will look different, but there is a plan.  The thought of leaving a district in which I have not only attended as a student myself but have worked for so long is very hard, but I never walk alone in any of this.  Maybe there is a place I am needed more than where I am now.  Who knows what the future holds.  All I know is that I need to stay in the present moment and continue walking forward in as much peace as possible.

In other news, I'm grateful that I'm now on vacation for two weeks.  It really is a welcome break, that's for sure.  I'm looking forward to spending time with friends and family as well as just getting rejuvinated.  My mom will be coming to my home and spending a few days with me since she also has some vacation.  I'm glad I can provide a comfortable place for her when she visits.  She rents a room in a mobile home where she lives now since it is about five minutes from work for her, so coming to a place with extra space is something she enjoys.  I know there will come a time, after she retires from work and gets a little bit older, where I will have her come live with me so I'm glad she finds my home so comfortable.  Our relationship has certainly grown leaps and bounds.  There has been a lot of healing there from a childhood that was riddled with abuse on her part and to a honest, loving adult relationship complete with forgiveness and love.  It has taken a lot of work for both of us to get there and I know we both continue to work on it, but our relationship is much more than I could have ever dreamed of than what we had in the past.  God really shows me how wonderful forgiveness can be.

Since my bariatric surgery pre-op classes start next month, I have been doing some more research and just reading more stories of people's experiences with having the gastric bypass. I'm reading a book now where a woman recounts her experience with all of her weight loss attempts leading up to surgery and how it positively impacted her life afterwards.  It is very inspiring and gives me a great insight into what to expect in my own journey.  Of course, every reader of this blog will get to experience my own journey.  I share my experiences not only to be encouraging to other people but to help me as I walk through the challenging days ahead.  I feel that writing is such an incredible tool to help me through emotions instead of wanting to pick up food to help me deal with stress, happiness, boredom and whatever other feelings arise.

As I think about the months ahead and the journey I now find myself on, I realize this is another circumstance in which I need to stay in the present moment.  Otherwise, it might feel incredibly overwhelming.  If you think about it, this is a major thing I am walking through. Having my stomach cut to the size of a thumb and having "rewiring" done with my intestines is beyond intense.  I'm so glad my pre-op classes will be starting in the next several weeks so that a lot of the questions I have will start to get answered.  I have no idea how people who go down to Mexico or somehow do their gastric bypass so quickly without pre-op classes possibly feel comfortable with making such a huge change.  I have gone through a lot of emotions in the process already since the day I decided to pursue the surgery and I know I'll go through more in the 6-8 months ahead.  I'm thrilled I'm not rushing through this process so that I can wrap my brain and emotions around what will be happening.  Thankfully I have such an amazing support system.  In fact, I just told the principal where I work about my surgery and he was incredibly supportive.  He could have reacted very badly because it means I will be missing at least two weeks of work right when we return from summer break.  However, his concern was me and my health.  These are the types of people I am choosing to tell about the surgery, those that will be supportive and not judge me for taking the easy way out (at least in their perception).  This is not the easy way out, trust me on that one.

Feelings of grief I think

Today was incredibly painful for me.  Not physically, but emotionally.  I shared yesterday that I was given some potentially devastating news in terms of my graduate program to do school counseling.  I had so many unanswered questions that I decided to send a message to the personnel department to figure out what's going on.  To do the field work required for my master's degree with my district, I have to do it 24 hours per week over three full-time, 8-hour days for the duration of about a semester or so.  I will have to take a leave of absence during those days from my 40-hour per week job.  I am not permitted to do the hours during the summer.  Then, when the time comes to apply, I will have to quit my job and do counseling in another district for a minimum of two years before I will then be allowed to come back and counsel in the district where I have been working for 24 years.

The biggest problem I have is that I already work in the counseling department of a busy high school.  None of the years I have matter, though, not where this is concerned.  I have given so much to the district where I work.  I'm a product of the district and love the work I do.  All I want is to be able to have the opportunity to become a counselor, but that opportunity is just not there.  Not only that but I will have to quit something that I have been invested in for so long.  I have accrued so much time towards retirement, benefits and more. If I leave, that means I will probably have to also leave my doctor because my insurance will likely be through another provider.  It's just very, very difficult to deal with this.

Thankfully I work with some fantastic friends who helped me to look at the bigger picture.  If counseling is important to me, yes perhaps it may not look like what I thought it would but that might also be a blessing in disguise.  I just won't know until I stick my neck out and take the risk.  They are absolutely right ... the point is to be working with kids.  There are no guarantees with anything and so I have to walk forward in faith.

I do have a strong faith, but being a human being is also hard when we often times have fear.  Right now I have a lot of it.  I shed a lot of tears today over this, but I have been incredibly supported by so many people.  My supervisor reminded me of something that fits in with this situation just perfectly:

Be still and know that I am God.  That means I'm not in charge of the outcome.  In fact, I'm in charge of no part of any of this process.  I am responsible for doing my part, but after that it really is out of my hands.  As the day went on, the tears were less and less.  I went from sort of throwing my hands up in the air to stepping back, taking a breath and saying to myself that this is really going to be okay.  Obviously there are so many other battles to fight out there.  I'm not discounting how I feel, but just to get some perspective.

In other news, I received a call from the Positive Choice clinic to schedule my pre-op classes.  That was super fast!  I just saw the doctor yesterday and they were already calling me.  Unfortunately, I missed the call so I won't be able to schedule until tomorrow morning but at least I'm on my way.

A few weeks ago, I completed a sleep study with Kaiser for the sleep apnea.  I received a report in the mail today regarding the results.  I definitely have obstructive sleep apnea and they are recommending the use of the auto-titrating machine (APAP).  The report showed me averaging less than four hours of sleep per night.  No wonder I feel so flipping tired all of the time!  Because of my medical history with this, they do want me to meet with one of the board certified sleep specialists to discuss my diagnosis and any follow-up care I will need.  So I need to make an appointment in regards to that.  I swear, in the last year or two, I have seen more specialists, nurses and doctors for a lifetime.  These are additional reasons as to why I am pursuing the bariatric surgery.  While it's not a cure for all that ails me, it will most definitely help and that's all I've ever really wanted - to just feel healthier.

My highly stressful day

I had a whirlwind of emotions today and I'm still trying to process them.  I have mentioned before that I'm in the process of applying to graduate school.  My goal is to participate in a master's program that will lead to a school counseling position eventually.  I currently work in the counseling department of a big high school.  I love what I do working with kids, so this is just a natural progression to the next step up for me.  I've actually worked in education since I was 17 years old and now I'm 42, so I definitely have a lot of experience.  Nothing can prepare me more for this than what I'm doing now, getting day to day exposure of what happens in high school counseling department.

So I was talking to a colleague who is currently in a graduate program for the exact same thing.  She's about a year in and mentioned to me today she found out that if I want to eventually become a counselor in our current district, my practicum and field hours must be performed three full days per week.  The program requires a total of 600 hours doing that.  Given that I work full time, 40 hours per week, and I would be participating in a full-time graduate program with classes taken at night, I felt like I was sucker-punched.  A friend of mine called her contact at our district office and the person confirmed that I must do three full 8-hour days or I could possibly petition to do four 6-hour days.  Regardless, it must be a minimum of 24 hours per week and they don't want it split up.  The district's rationalization is that interns don't get to experience the full scope of what happens in a counseling department if their time is split up to just mornings or just afternoons.  I do understand that logic, but I already work in a counseling department!  If I choose to do my hours outside of my district, they basically won't hire me.  One of my friends, who is a current counselor and is supervising two interns right now, told me that her interns said the district won't hire you unless you have counseled elsewhere for two years first.  If I do end up counseling somewhere else, I likely will not be returning to my district unless there's a compelling reason to do so because it will be a huge deal to leave my district in the first place and I probably won't want to leave another place.  Never say never, though.

I was pretty upset at all of this news.  I wasn't even at the point of wanting to cry over it.  I was pissed.  The graduate program itself is completely flexible and will let me complete my hours part time or in any way that works out for my schedule.  The issue is with my district and their strictness with those 24 hours.  Am I supposed to take a leave of absence?  Am I supposed to somehow make up those 24 hours somewhere?  It's not as if I don't have any exposure to kids and everything is theoretical for me ... I work with kids everyday and often do many things that a counselor would do.  Granted, I do not handle crisis counseling because there are legal issues around that, but there are often crossover duties.  I did decide that I'm going to contact the personnel department and talk to them about my concerns.  My friend that told all of this to me today is a teacher, so the way things will work out for her schedule-wise is different than my situation.  Regardless, though, we both have to face the fact that, if we move forward in the programs, we will have a huge cut in pay.  I'm a single person who has no other income than my own, so I'm faced with having to make some very touch decisions to survive on 16 hours per week of pay.  Excuse my language, but fuck!

With all the stress of that churning in my stomach, I had to leave work a little early and then head to my appointment at Kaiser to meet with the program doctor who would be reviewing my test results and discussing whether or not I would be officially accepted into the program for weight loss surgery.  I didn't know what to expect, so I was feeling anxious with butterflies churning in my tummy.  When I checked in at the Positive Choice clinic, I was asked to weigh myself and then have a seat to wait for the doctor.  I have gained a couple of pounds.  I didn't know if that was a true gain or because I had been drinking water all day, which always adds weight.  I got recorded at 371.5, which was pretty difficult for me.  My lowest weight I got down to when I was doing Optifast about a year ago or so was, I think, 220.  As I sat there waiting, I had to remind myself not to beat myself up over the number because I'm there to get healthier, not berate myself.

The doctor came and got me and brought me back to his office.  I looked around and noticed all of his diplomas, awards and news articles about weight loss and surgical options on the walls.  There were drawings of the differences between the different weight loss surgeries as well.  He began by discussing my current BMI, which is calculated to be about 54.  He said the program requirement is to have a BMI of 40 so I more than qualify on that front.  Fantastic Kathy (can't you detect the sarcasm?).  Then he started asking me about my diabetes, whether or not I inject insulin, my osteoarthritis, the pain in my legs and fibromyalgia, my history with high blood pressure, sleep apnea, depression and all the medications I take.  He told me I am an excellent candidate and congratulated me since he is approving me for surgery.

Hoooooray!!!

All the stress of the day went away in that moment.  I am now officially on my way.  He does recommend the gastric bypass surgery for me since that is the one where I can lose the most weight and most of those patients have their diabetes go into remission.  He did explain that my diabetes will never be reversed or go away, but the remission will make it so that I won't appear to be diabetic any longer as long as I follow the program.  When I discussed with him the difference between the gastric bypass and the vertical sleeve, he said the sleeve does not allow for as much weight loss and the not as many patients have remission of their diabetes.  The lap band does not reverse the diabetes at all.

The next step is that one of the nurses will be contacting me in about a week to put me in a class.  Since Carrie and I want to do the class together, I'll be choosing the one that is closer to where I live.  The only bummer is that it doesn't start for another month.  However, unless they have a class starting this month, that's the one I'll do.  The doctor did say that about a month before the six-month pre-op classes are over, I will be contacted by one of the surgeons at Pacific Bariatric to meet with them.  The surgery will happen about a month after I finish the classes.  That will bring me into about mid-August in terms of having the surgery.  The doctor did say that I will be in the hospital for two days to make sure I don't have any complications develop and then I should be back to work within two weeks since I don't have a highly physical job.  He did tell me that, in terms of my weight, we want to aim for me losing about ten percent of my body weight prior to surgery or at least maintaining where I'm at right now.  They don't want me gaining but staying the same is okay, too.  So here I go!

Alright, much better today

I walked into today knowing that I had let go of my mistakes with snacking on junk last night instead of having a real dinner.  Writing about it on here really helped tremendously.  In fact, when I was walking with Sara today, she mentioned that I'm an open book on here.  I have to agree with her.  I pretty much put it all out there.  For me, this is a real journey to let go of the weight and part of that process is dealing with the emotions that come as a result, otherwise I will continue to use food as a crutch.  So I vowed to myself when I started this blog that I would be as transparent as possible.  I'm not as brave as some other people when they post pics of themselves with just underwear on or just a workout bra and exercise pants on because, personally, I think that's going a bit too far beyond my comfort zone.  Writing, though, releases so much and helps me get down to true feelings.

After walking at the lake, I spent some time working on my backyard.  There are these huge trees right over my house and they shed a lot during the winter, so there were leaves galore.  I managed to fill two big trash bags of just leaves, but it felt good to clear a good portion of it.  My back was hurting from doing all that bending.   The big reason I am pursuing weight loss surgery is to feel healthier.  A contributing factor is the pain I feel all over my body, including my bad back.  I know that having less weight to contend with will really help alleviate much, if not all, of the pain I feel in my back.  I do know my limits and had to stop, even though I saw weeds I could attack.  It was enough work back there.

My dinner was a stir fry in extra virgin olive oil of
turkey sausage, carrots and yellow bell
pepper over quinoa.  Yummo!

I did much better with my meals today, having them at regular intervals.  I weighed and measured every single thing that went into my body, which was great because then I knew exactly what I was consuming with no guessing.  Some people really hate weighing and measuring, feeling like they are on some sort of diet and having negative feelings associated with that.  For me, there is a certain sense of freedom that comes with weighing and measuring in a weird sense.  It lets me know that I am having what I'm supposed to be having for my good health.  That doesn't mean I can't have fabulous food, just an appropriate amount of fabulous food. I tracked everything into MyFitnessPal, including my water consumption.  I had 72 ounces of water, which was good, but I'm trying to aim for about 100 ounces or so a day.

One of the things that was alarming, though, was my blood sugar level.  I made a really awful decision early in the day in regards to that.  When I woke up first thing in the morning, my blood sugar was 275.  Gulp.  I knew it was because of what I did the night before.  When it was time to inject my insulin this morning, instead of my usual six units, I increased it to 30 units. I can already hear you wondering what the heck I was doing, that it's an incredibly dangerous and, frankly, stupid thing to do.  Clearly I was wanting to get it down badly.  After I came home from the walk with Sara, I checked my blood sugar again and it was 170.  I was pretty surprised it wasn't in the normal range yet after having walked almost three miles.  Of course I didn't think about the fact that it went down 105 points.  However, by the time I was ready to make my dinner, I felt extremely shaky and was starting to sweat.  I instinctively knew my blood sugar had gone too low.  Diabetics know their bodies and can usually tell if blood sugar levels are too high or too low. I pulled out my meter to test and it showed me at 61.  Shit!  Hmm Kathy Jean, do you think that perhaps injecting 30 units this morning was the smartest move you've ever made??  I stopped what I was doing to have a piece of bread so that I could get my blood sugar up.  I contemplated just waiting until my dinner was ready but I was so shaky that I worried about using a knife to cut my veggies.  Everything is fine now and I feel good.  I usually have two Glyburide pills with my dinner to help control my blood sugar but I decided to forgo them since I was so low.  Note to self:  do not do that again.  Duh.