Weekly weigh-in

I'm winding down from a busy but great day.  I lost three pounds this week, making my loss 32 pounds since surgery and an incredible 97 pounds from my highest weight.  Maybe this next week will put me over the top!  That would be awesome.  I know I shared this on my Facebook page and Instagram, so I'm sorry if you're seeing it again, but I wanted to share some side by side photos.  Below left was taken a few months before surgery and the picture on the right was taken today.

A few people commented that I looked younger and happier in my most recent picture.  You know what?  I am happy.  Recovery from this surgery hasn't exactly been the easiest for me, but I absolutely, one hundred percent, do not regret this decision.  I know my journey is just beginning with Katrina (my new pouch), but I already feel a lot better.  Even though I would love to look cute in cute clothes, that is not why I did this surgery.  It was about desiring to have a decent quality of life, to be healthier.  That is what makes me happy.  Now, if I end up feeling more confident and rock the hell out of some jeans, I'll be okay with that, too!

This new life is so weird to navigate at times, I must admit.  I can get so full on just little bits of food.  The more dense the food is, the more full I get on just a little.  The dumping is also something that is difficult to contend with.  I have dumped on tilapia, a thin white fish, twice.  And I have gotten extremely full having imitation crab.  So then I wondered to myself if, in fact, seafood was just not agreeing with me.  Today I bought some salmon to see if maybe a thicker cut would help.  I don't have a bad reaction to shrimp, but I want to expand my possibilities if I can help it at all.  I am so thankful that, yes, Katrina was very happy with salmon.  Here's how little I had to eat when I had it for dinner.

All said and done, that is 1.75 ounces of cooked salmon and a one ounce cup of refried beans.  This is actually on a salad plate, not a regular dinner plate.  I doubt I'll ever be eating with those again!  The more dense fish is a lot more filling than beans.  In fact, that amount of fish made me more full than when I would have an 8 ounce serving back before the surgery.  Who am I kidding?  It probably wasn't even an 8 ounce serving ... it was more likely 12 ounces.  I had so much food before and now my tummy is like a baby.  I'm definitely not complaining, but it's just a different reality for me these days.  When I got the fish, I went to the seafood section in the supermarket and got fresh fish.  I asked the man helping me if I could get roughly one and a half pounds of the salmon.  When I came home and cut it up for meals, it made enough for me to have twelve meals.  That is how tiny Katrina is!

As part of having a healthier life, I am pursuing more treatment on my back because I have been suffering from chronic pain there and in my left leg for quite a few years.  There's a point where you just say enough is enough already.  I'm there now.  So this morning I had an appointment with my physical medicine doctor and then with my physical therapist right afterwards.  The doctor gave me an exam and feels the damage may be weight related and it may also be muscular.  She gave me several cortisone injections in my back.  I'm talking about six or so.  She wanted to cover the entire area that hurt and, to be fair, she did warn me that she was going to do that.  No matter how much you're prepared, though, it still freaking hurts.  She also prescribed a topical cream for me to apply to the area three times a day.  I have to wait for that to come in because it's some sort of compound that they have to special order.  Afterwards, the physical therapist gave me stimulation through a tens unit on my back.  It felt amazing.  So I'll be doing that at home, in addition to exercises to strengthen my back and leg.

As a person who is always taking care of other people, it's sometimes very difficult for me to do things to take care of myself.  Yet, I know it's time to do that.  My health has to be a top priority.  So if that means I need to do more things to care for my body, then that's what I will need to do.  Without even realizing it, I'm doing things throughout the day that fits in the category of self-care.
I logged these miles into my Fitbit today without even realizing how much I was doing.

It's the most I have walked since having the surgery.  And it felt amazing.  I wasn't feeling pain on my sides from my incisions like I have been these last several weeks in recovery.  It just felt nice to be active and know that every action I take towards my health is a win for me.  Like I said, I feel happy and I'm just going to roll with it.

Merry Christmas

Hello my four readers!

Yeah, I know there are more than four readers on this blog, but it helps me to be more transparent if I just imagine there are only a handful of people reading.  I write our counseling newsletter at the high school where I work and every time I hit that "send" button, it tells me the number of people it goes out to - more than 7,000 in one fell swoop the last time I looked.  Yet, I must imagine it's only a couple of folks otherwise I'll get into a perfectionist mode and we don't need that out of me.

I hope you had a love and merry Christmas.  Hopefully it wasn't all about the presents but about love.  That's what I think about when I think about Christmas ... God's love for us to give us such a precious gift and our love for each other.  I have been blessed to spend the last few days with my mom.  While it's been hard living with another person and especially a mom for a fiercely independent person, it has also made me grateful that I can have this time with her.  I think of a very dear friend whose mother got ill from cancer right before the holidays a few years ago and passed away a few months afterwards.  She goes through incredible pain during this time of the year, so it really helps remind me that I am supremely blessed to have both my parents and stepmother around.

Instead of cooking, my mom and I decided to go to one of the Indian casinos for dinner.  We took along a friend of hers, who is one of my "aunties" that I have known since I was a little girl.  My mother has a gold card at this particular casino so we were able to stroll ahead of at least 400 people waiting in line to go to the VIP room and we got two meals comped as well.  I didn't do great in having a low-fat meal ... we were in a buffet and I rationalized to myself that it's Christmas.  I know, it's really stupid for me to think that way. I was completely aware of exactly what I was doing.  I'm owning it here though.  I can say that I didn't do nearly as badly as I could have.  Watching people in a buffet is very interesting.  There was crab, shrimp, lobster, steak, etc. and people had piles of food on their plates.  I am so glad I don't live in a place like Vegas with buffets in every direction you turn.

There was this guy that my mom wanted me to meet at the casino.  He's a dealer she has known for years.  She said he had a gastric bypass a couple of years ago and has really gone down in size.  She wanted me to talk to him about his experience while we were there tonight.  It turns out that he wasn't on shift and I said to her, "That's okay, Mom ... I've done a lot of research and talked to a lot of people who had the gastric bypass so I'm feeling really comfortable with my decision."  She then turned to me and confessed that she was hoping to hook me up with him since he broke up with his girlfriend.  I looked at her with a raised eyebrow - now my mom is trying to fix me up?  Seriously??  I had to hug her for being so cute.  God bless her caring heart.

I feel like I gotta run 10 miles tomorrow to work off the food I had today at the buffet.  I commit to being sane and rational tomorrow.  If I go work out, then great, but I will spend no more than an hour at the gym or no more than three miles out walking.  I have to remember what my physical therapists says about overdoing it for my knees and hip.  I gotta heed his advice.  Merry Christmas!

Cutie patootie and the phone calls

I went to my physical therapy appointment today to deal with the leg pain.  I got to meet Mr. In-Top-Shape Physical Therapist and his dazzling white smile.  He actually was very nice but a bit too good looking for an early morning appointment where I knew his hands would be on me.  It's in those moments that I am uber-aware of my body and how much I would have loved to lose 100 pounds in five minutes by clicking my heels together three times.  It's hard not to compare the unflattering parts of my body with a lean, sculpted body.  I'm trying not to compare, especially man versus woman, but I went there anyway.  Outside of all that, however, he actually was able to get to the heart of my pain.  When he was doing the exam on me, he had to touch my legs and put pressure against my muscles to see where I hurt and man alive was it painful.  He gave me some exercises to work on until our next session.  He did scold me for pushing my body too far when I'm out walking.  He said, at least to start, I really need to curb the amount of time I spend walking.  For example, I should not be walking for anywhere near an hour or more, not right now at least.  I need to build up to that to see where the pain is coming from and then we can reassess.  Otherwise, he is telling me that I need to do non weight-bearing exercises like the station bike, elliptical, swimming, etc.  It's just another reason to move forward on the surgery; relieving me of pain is a big deal.  I go back to see him on November 25th, so I'll be working on the exercises he gave me in the interim.

During yesterday's post, I talked about going to get my mammogram done.  The sweet woman who performed the procedure told me I would find out the results by mail unless something came out abnormally.  If that was the case, I would get a phone call.  So, while I was working today, I missed a call from my doctor's office.  It turned out it was just a reminder to get an eye exam since I have diabetes.  Okay fine.  Then, later on, they called again.  So when I listened to the voicemail message, it was a reminder of an upcoming appointment.  Of course, I don't know any of this when I see "Kaiser" in big letters on my phone.  All I know is that my heart skipped a beat each time.  I have had cancer before, albeit not breast cancer.  I have, however, received the call I was not supposed to receive to tell me the test results showed me positive for cancer.  Your world crushes in around you in that moment.  Feeling relieved from the second call, I was trying to convince myself that nothing was wrong with my mammogram results and to just calm down.

Then the phone rang for a third time.

Seriously??  Yes, it was "Kaiser" calling me again.  This time I was able to pick up the call.  My heart was beating a mile a minute.  The woman on the phone said:

"Is this Kathryn?"

"Yes it is." [I'm attempting to not freak out.]

"This is XXX from your doctor's office."

"Hi!  How are you?"  [Trying to fake that I have no fear inside.]

"I was just calling to ... remind you about your colonoscopy procedure on the 19th."

Are you kidding me right now?  I swear I stopped breathing.  Here I am just going in for a routine exam to make sure everything is in order, just a preventative measure, and I had a moment there where I actually started to worry.  I think it was another great reminder for me to just try to stay as calm and patient as I can unless I have reason to react in another way.  I suppose the fear was just remembering that moment in time when I learned about the melanoma coursing through my body.  I never want a repeat of that moment when I doctor tells me over the phone that I have cancer.  I can't describe what it does to a person but I'm sure you can imagine.  I don't want to relieve that difficult time all over again.  So far so good on no more phone calls coming from Kaiser.

What is your weight?

I started another round of physical therapy for the work injuries in my arms, so I had my second session today.  It is hotter than you know what here, probably close to 100 degrees, so it was really uncomfortable.  Leading up to it, I was pretty stressed because I was trying to get a lot of work done since I would be leaving work to do the physical therapy and really couldn't because I was helping proctor advanced placement exams with kids at the high school.  While I was waiting to go in, I got a call from work on my cell phone so I just felt sort of on edge. 

My session started out on a negative note right away.  They were setting up a program for me to answer questions on a computer about the usage of my hands and the woman who was putting in my information yelled some questions at me from across a room with other patients in it.  Here was our exchange:

"Kathryn, how tall are you?"

"I'm almost five feet, ten inches."

"What is your weight?"

"Excuse me, but I'm not going to yell that across the room."

And so I got up and walked over to her.  First of all, who yells confidential information across the room with other patients in it?  I thought HIPAA laws were in effect to protect patient privacy, or am I just being silly?  Secondly, what person who is overweight and in their right mind yells their magic number across the room?  What the freak!  As I walked over to her, every eye in that room followed every foot step, perhaps wanting to hear my number.  If you've ever been in a big room where they do physical therapy, there are generally several patients being worked on at the same time. 

After all of that was settled, I started working pretty intensively with the physical therapist, a guy physical therapist.  No, it doesn't matter that he was a guy, just perhaps that I'm a little more aware of my body than I am with a woman.  He had me working on this machine and that one, lifting this weight and that one, working with putty, hand-grips and all kinds of contraptions that really brought out the pain in my hands.  In several of the exercises using weight machines, I was forced to look in the mirror in front of me and watch my form and posture while doing the activities.  I have to say, it was pretty difficult for me looking at myself in the mirror.  I wanted to look away because I saw every pound on my body that I have gained back.  I'm nowhere as heavy as I used to be, thank you God, but the weight gain is obvious.  And I have to be honest and say that it broke my heart to see it.  I know I can say that here because most people who are reading this can understand those feelings, especially when I had lost so much while on Optifast. 

In many ways, it's extremely difficult for me to look back at pictures when I was at my smallest while on the program because it feels like a lifetime ago.  I have discovered recently another medical issue that has popped up as a result of doing Optifast that has been causing me pain.  I won't go into specifics here because it's a highly personal body thing and completely TMI, but I will say that it made me think that the melanoma cancer I had two years ago had come back, which really sent me into a tailspin.  When you have had cancer, especially a deadly cancer like melanoma, you are hyper-aware of every little thing that can point to it being back.  I went to see a doctor and I'm getting treatment for what's going on, but it really helped me step back and look critically at the efforts I had been taking to lose the weight.  Of course I can't go back in time and undo things that I have done, but I can move forward in a healthy way now, or at least try to move forward.  Part of being healthy is being emotionally healthy as well.  That means things like looking in the mirror and not looking away in shame.  The eyes want to see what they want to see, but I also know it serves me no useful purpose to avoid looking in that mirror ... I have to own where I am at and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

My commencement ceremony at Cal State is on Saturday and all I can focus on right now is things like, "I hope the chair I will be sitting in doesn't collapse in the middle of the field right in front of the 10,000 people who are expected to be there witnessing my ceremony (one of four that weekend)."  I am not thinking about this amazing event in my life and how proud I am of having gotten to this point.  No, all my thoughts are all about my weight.  If it's not the chair, then it's about seeing the look of disappointment on people's faces as they see me at my after-graduation celebration, or it's about feeling like I'm going to sweat through the entire thing.  It's actually any number of things, but it's definitely not about the event itself.  And I hate to admit this next thing, but I am here laying it all out, committed to be as honest as I can be on this blog.  There's a lot of people who are not going to make it to my party and I couldn't help thinking that it's because I'm not that important to them.  It's that old feeling of just not being good enough.  Yes, of course people are entitled to have other plans, but many people who told me they wouldn't miss it for the world because they wanted to celebrate with me won't be there.  Someone reminded me today to remember what the day is about.  I can choose to let go of the other stuff and focus on the reason to celebrate.  I'm sure I'll get to that place by the time Saturday rolls around, but for right now I just feel how I feel. 

Breathing better

I finished another semester of my college courses yesterday, so I'm feeling a lot of relief today.  This semester was one of the more challenging ones for me.  Not because of the courses I took, but dealing with all the medical stuff, working full time, trying to fit in exercise and attempting to do well in school.  I felt like I was waving the white flag of surrender constantly during these last few days. 

Yesterday was the appointment I had for the MRI.  As you may recall, I posted recently about not being able to fit in the enclosed MRI machine back in February and how the office staff grilled me about whether or not I was bigger than I was back then.  So here's what happened:

I got the the office building and felt incredibly nervous.  I can't tell you why ... these people are relative strangers, so what they think about me shouldn't matter, but I suppose the truth is that I didn't want to be judged and I had no say that it was exactly what they were doing.  So I went into the restroom beforehand, washed my hands and looked at myself in the mirror.  There has been such drastic change in me since February, yet up to that moment, I had myself convinced that I wouldn't fit in the stupid MRI donut.  I had to ask God for courage to walk in that medical office and not turn around and run away from the fear I was feeling.  I walked in and immediately I remembered everything ... the smells, the way the magazines were piled and the western style saloon doors that separated the waiting area from the exam rooms. The receptionist who greeted me was the same one from the phone call inquiring about my size but she had never met me in person before.  As I was filling out the paperwork, she asked me why I wasn't seen last time if I had paperwork from before.  I looked at her with this are you serious? kind of look.  Didn't we just have a conversation on the phone about it??  I told her the reason I didn't have the MRI completed there last time was because the technician told me I was too big to fit in the machine.    She just looked at me and said, "Oh."  Hmm, oh is all you can say to that, huh?  I wasn't about to lose my dignity in that moment, so I finished the paperwork and just sat down to wait for my turn.

Then the technician came out.  I stood up and this man gasped when he saw me.  He remembered me, it was quite obvious from the expression on his face.  Although he tried to cover himself, that moment was priceless for me.  Absolutely, one hundred percent priceless.  He scanned my body up and down and tried to compose himself before officially greeting me.  I tell you what people - it's something I will never forget.  I silenced this critic of my life and I'll never forget it.  I was utterly humiliated in a way I can't quite describe when I was there before.  I wanted to crawl under a rock at the time.  Now I just wanted to fling a rock directly at him!  Maybe that's not the healthiest reaction and I totally recognize that, but it's what I was honestly feeling inside. 

So I went into a dressing room and had to take off everything except my pants.  I put on the gown that tied in the back and it fit perfectly.  My bootie was not hanging out, it wasn't tight around my arms and I could comfortably move around in it.  Now, it was the moment of truth.  I climbed up on the table, got into position with my back against the table and looking up towards the ceiling.  I put my arms to my side and the technician slid me in ... with absolutely no problem at all.  I fit, and quite easily I must say.  I wanted to cry, I really did.  It was a moment of pure triumph for me.

Fast forward to today.  I had an appointment with both my physical therapist and my acupuncturist.  I have been working hard at following the directions and doing all of the exercises the physical therapist has given me and it showed in how much more flexible my body was.  We talked about the pain I am continuing to experience and what makes it feel better.  Frankly, it's the exercise.  You know that old adage that doctors would always tell us that getting some exercise will do wonders for our health and we might have shunned that because it felt like a route thing they were all saying?  Well, there is definitely validity there, at least for a great number of ailments.  I realized today that although I don't want to be in pain and I don't want to have the physical limitations I do, in a sense the osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia have both actually been a blessing for me because I have discovered that doing exercise helps me feel so much better and I am in significantly less pain if I exercise in the day.  In fact, I wasn't going to exercise today, but ended up going much later because I knew it would help with pain.  When I saw the acupuncturist, she did a lot of extensive work on my legs and hips, which really help take significant pain away.  What my experience with her has taught me is that there are definite advantages out of stepping outside of the box (the box being traditional medical professionals).  The acupuncture helps me tremendously.

So it seems that I'm in a really good place of taking care of myself.  The food has been going great, although the early evenings when I get home from work are a challenge.  I just feel so hungry.  Hopefully that will get better as I remember to keep drinking my water and eating every few hours.  I am so glad I made the decision to go on the full food portion of the program.  The light headedness I was experiencing every day is miraculously gone.  In one fell swoop, it went away.  I am enjoying the taste of food again .. the sweetness in strawberries and apples, the freshness of salads, the savoriness of protein.  I am trying my best to appreciate the food and not have an inappropriate relationship with it like I used to have.  I'm feeling pretty grateful to be traveling on the road I find myself on right now.  Thanks for journeying along with me. 

Putting myself at the top of the list

I really don't consider myself to be a selfish person.  I'm always willing to help the kids at the high school where I work, I'm a good friend to other people and my family knows that I will always be there for them.  That's just my nature ... caring and nurturing.  The only problem with that has been that taking care of myself has always been last.  When you're in an airplane and they're going through the emergency procedures, what do they always say about oxygen masks?  Something to the effect that if the cabin loses pressure, the oxygen masks will come down.  If you're with a child, secure your mask first and then do so for the child.  And why is that?  Simple ... you can't help someone else if you're dying yourself!  Yet, why is it that I am the last one that I have paid attention to my whole life?  That's a good question and one that I really need to ponder.  Self-care is not about being selfish.  In order to be completely present in this world, I must take care of myself first.  So that's what I did today.

It was the Friday before a week off of work for Thanksgiving and a lot of people were absent at work.  Of course, that always seems to be the way before a long break.  But I had a physical therapy appointment that got scheduled today and it was her only opening.  Of course administration was perfectly fine with it because I let them know in plenty of time and, besides, they have been super supportive of me seeking medical care as I need it.  I am a good employee and work hard, so they know I'm not taking advantage.  After I went walking at lunchtime with my friend, which we do every day, off I went to my physical therapy appointment.

The physical therapist has been working on the pain in my back, so now we're adding working on building strength in my legs, too.  I caught her up to speed on the osteoarthritis in both knees and fibromyalgia diagnosis so that she could adjust what she is doing with me.  She wanted to see my range of motion and look at my legs while I was walking, so she told me I was going to need to put on shorts since I was wearing jeans that covered me up.  I thought, Oh no, here we go again.  If you've been reading my blog for a while, you may recall that months ago I had to get a MRI and was told to change into scrubs but they didn't fit me.  My first thought was, geez, the shorts aren't going to fit, especially when she gave me a pair that had a label that said "large" on it.  I don't recall ever, in my entire life, fitting into just a large ... it's always been XL, 1X, 2X, etc.  I slipped off my shoes, took off my jeans and held my breath as I climbed into the shorts.  And do you know what?  They fit!  Not only that, they were actually too big.  Maybe that large runs big, but whatever - it made me feel good.  So the physical therapist did her examination of me and talked to me about exercises for my legs.  Then I asked her what exercise would be good for me to do everyday in addition to the stretching exercises.  She said the best thing would be an exercise bike or swimming.  I shared with her that I walk every day and she said that's good, as long as it doesn't hurt me more.  In fact, because I already spend the time walking, I can have little to no resistance when using the bike but it would be good for me to do it since it'll build muscle.  I don't have a bike at home, so I'm planning on joining a local gym tomorrow.  I've actually been thinking about it for a while since it's only $10 a month for a membership at this particular gym.  I want to increase my strength training, especially around my legs, but I also don't want to go crazy with the exercise.  If I limit myself at the gym, that'll help tremendously.  I am definitely putting my all in taking care of my body now, so I'm willing to do what I need to do to remain healthier.

Don't worry, it doesn't hurt at all.

If the walking and physical therapy wasn't enough, I also had an appointment with my acupuncturist later in the evening.  I always look forward to going, it's so soothing.  We focused in on my legs today since that's where most of the pain was concentrated, with a few spots on my arms, forehead and ankles as well.  She stuck the needles in me, turned on soothing music and left me to relax as much as possible on the table.  It's funny, every time I go, I end up having some great prayer time with God, where I just close my eyes and pray not specifically seeking answers but expressing what's in my heart as I lie there vulnerable underneath the needles. Today I prayed for continued healing, not only from the pain in my body but from the pain of battling weight my entire life and the emotions that come with that.  Dealing with why you choose food to deal with stress, boredom, unresolved feelings or just living life through food is difficult and I find that it is completely challenging.  Will I always feel like the food is calling my name or will I someday have a normal existence when it comes to it?  It has always been an escape from my feelings for me. 

Feeling angry?  Food's the answer! 
Feeling happy?  Food can be a way to celebrate.
Feeling anxious?  Food will calm your nerves. 

Developing new habits, even the healthy ones, takes time.  I have to constantly remind myself of that because I like things now.  I don't want to wait, yet I'm seeing that sometimes I just don't have a say in the matter.  That sucks, but okay, okay, it's what I have to do.