Pre-op class #4 and weekly weigh-in

Our fourth class was great, although I barely made it there.  Classes start at 5:00 and if we're not there by 5:15, we are considered absent and have to make up the missed class with another group or we have to start all over again with our six months of classes.  I got tied up at work, trying desperately to finish writing our counseling newsletter and sending it out to over 7,000 people before I could leave for the night.  The clock was ticking and I knew I had to leave.  I hardly had time to proofread, so I'm hoping there was no glaring mistake.  Trust me, if there is, I'll hear about it from parents.  I finally got it sent, grabbed my stuff, shut down my office and hauled ass out of there so I could hurry up and sit in rush hour traffic.  There was the constant stop and go, as well as following people who were afraid to follow too closely so they were driving 40 miles per hour with several carlengths in front of them (could you tell I was a tish irritated?)  I made it ... with seven minutes to spare.  Added stress I didn't need!

Weigh in time ... bom bom booom.  I lost another two pounds.  Yay!  I'm so amazed that I'm willingly accepting two pounds here and two pounds there.  In my Optifast days, I would have considered that week a failure but now I'm counting them as successes because I'm working my way towards a goal of healing and being healthy.  

The topic for tonight's class was about emotional eating.  One of the things I absolutely love about the classes I'm going through is how much they focus on the emotional component of being overweight.  Our facilitator pointed out that if we don't get to the crux of why we eat, we won't be successful with the surgery.  Sure, we may lose the weight, we might even keep it off for a while, but it will invariably creep back on and with a vengeance if we don't get at what's eating us.  So she posed the question, "What is the difference between physical hunger and psychological hunger?"

That's a darn good question to ponder.  Truly, what is the difference and can we even spot it?  So, being a good student who always wants to understand and learn, I raised my hand and told her I honestly don't know the difference.  Of course, intellectually, I know there is a big difference between being physically hungry and thinking I'm physically hungry.  So I gave a little scenario of what happened to me today. For breakfast I had oatmeal and Egg Beaters.  I had a mid-morning snack of baby carrots with spreadable Laughing Cow Cheese.  Then my friend and I went for a walk at work during lunch.  I felt pretty darn proud of myself asking her and saying what my physical limits were as we went walking.  So we did that, came back to work and ate our lunches in my office.  I had a homemade delish salad with spring salad mix, mushrooms, artichokes, skim mozarella cheese and a few chunks of chicken.  I also had a Fuji apple with that.  Sounds like a pretty hearty lunch, and it definitely was.  Then, not a half an hour later, I experienced what felt like true hunger to me. My tummy wasn't grumbling but my stomach felt so empty and it felt like real hunger.  I decided to just have more water instead because it felt like it was impossible for me to be so hungry so soon.

One of the things our leader told us to do when we're in situations like that was to ask ourselves what is really going on.  Not sometime later, but right in that very moment.  It may be feeling strange and a little curious that those hunger feelings are going on at the time, but sitting in it is very important.  So I thought back to everything and I could see that I was feeling a little down on myself because my back was hurting during our walk and I was sweaty.  I mean I could feel it drip down my neck.  I looked over at my friend and she didn't look hot in the slightest.  That made me mentally beat up on myself a little bit.  I was completely comparing my larger size to her barely-there size.  Geez, even in that comment, I'm building myself to be this sort of ogre compared to her petite littleness.  That's such a horrible way to treat myself and I know she'd be the first one to point that out.

I shared with the group, when we were posed a question by our leader, that I had gone to food as a coping mechanism when I was a kid, growing up in a rough household.  It was my go-to response when my parents were arguing or I was being hit or when I felt poor.  As an adult, I don't have any of those troublesome things going on but food is my body's go-to response.  If I'm feeling anxious, bored, lonely, scared, worried  - whatever the emotion - I go to food to help me through the moment.  Maybe those things I was feeling after lunch were things I didn't even recognize at the time.  I was reminded in our group tonight that if I am eating something about every 3 hours or so with some sort of protein included and that I'm getting in enough fiber and water, that feeling I'm having is head hunger more than anything.  Time and making new, healthy changes habits are what will help me overcome those uncomfortable feelings.  At least I felt better sharing this with the others because most everyone else was nodding their heads in agreement.

There are many reasons we overeat and it was the question our leader had us think about for the week - why do we think we overeat?  What are your answers to that question?

Water Challenge Day 27:  Drank 175 of 185 ounces

Saying no to ten more years

I'm not even going to talk about the non-sleeping CPAP situation.  No news means no sleep.  Ho hum.  Someday soon I'll sleep again through the night, at least I hope so.

I was going through my mail earlier today, just trying to catch up on not having checked the mailbox for a few days.  One of the catalogs that came screamed this headline:

Kathy B.

Exclusive offer for being a customer
for over 10 years

This particular catalog was from Roaman's, with the other two coming from Woman Within and Jessica London.  I just have to say that I really want to end my shopping relationship with these companies.  They sell only larger sizes and, except for Jessica London, the clothes are just awful.  No offense to those of you out there that love their clothes, but everything has huge flowers, horrible 60's patterns and polyester everything.  I have always viewed them as catalogs I had to order some clothes out of because I had outgrown the sizes in the stores or were at the tail end of what was available.  I have found some things that were palatable, but really they have always made me feel much older than I really am.  Oh how I wish my relationship with them had only been 10 years.  My need to go to the big clothes store or order from catalogs specializing in plus sizes has been for something like 35 years.  I'm 42 by the way.

That's the thing with being overweight ... it just makes me feel old.  I look like a completely different person when I'm thinner.  I must also admit that I smile more.  Maybe it's because I feel happier, who knows.  I know I definitely feel healthier and can wear cuter clothes.  That's not the reason I'm planning on doing the gastric bypass surgery, not at all.  It's all about feeling and being healthier.  Of course, if I can be cuter along the way, I won't fight that.  I think feeling more attractive, though, is really about how we feel about ourselves on the inside.  Some of the those most beautiful people in the world aren't necessarily beautiful in the conventional sense, but ooze it because of their inner beauty.  Being thin isn't the answer in all times, but there is a boost in self-confidence I feel when I am in a healthier place.

For this coming week, I really want to focus on getting exercise in at least three days a week.  During this last week, I only exercise one day this week and that was today.  That wasn't enough for me.  In fact, it actually made my body hurt more.  So I'm committing to doing that here and now.

Day 26:  Drank 145 of 185 ounces

Experience of others

I'm posting late tonight because I wanted to make sure I got in all of my water beforehand.  Ugh, it's definitely filling!  I don't know how anyone gets all their water in and overeats without feeling like they're going to burst.

On the sleep front, I still haven't been able to sleep with the machine.  However, I did call the surgeon's office and they told me I would have to meet with him in order to get questions answered about my specific situation.  The person who spoke with me did share that they have had patients who are tummy sleepers.  Okay, that was encouraging.  Wanting a little bit more information, I went onto my Facebook group that deals with gastric bypass with members who have either had the surgery or thinking about having it.  I was seeking responses from people who might have had the same experiences after their surgery.  Below is my original posting with their responses.

My post:

I have a CPAP-related question. I've got severe sleep apnea. My problem is that I can't sleep on my back or side. When I start to fall asleep in those positions, my breathing stops and I wake up. I have a CPAP now and my sleeping is worse than ever. I can't sleep with it on, no matter what I try and how long I try. The few times I have started to fall asleep, I not only wake up but it feels like a shock with the machine trying to do it's thing. When I take it off, I'm asleep in 5 minutes when I sleep on my tummy. I know it's important to use the machine and I do have a consult with a sleep doc next week. But has anyone who has already had the surgery that is a tummy sleeper have problems? The doc who approved me for surgery said my sleep position should not affect the surgery, but I'm curious how that would work. Did you sleep on your tummy after the surgery? I'm starting to worry that my inability to sleep on my back/side will prevent me from getting the gastric bypass done.

Responses:

• Try a different mask for your cpap. They have some less invasive masks that tend to freak people out less. You really will feel better if you use your cpap just got to find a mask that is comfortable for you.   And I have no idea about the belly sleep to answer your question. Sorry !
• [This message is from me ... I was annoyed by the message from the person from above - I didn't ask for advise about how to use the machine,  Yeah, okay, I was irritable but lack of sleep with do that to you.]   I should have put in my post that I have tried every type of mask. This has been an ongoing problem for years. Tried the machine a couple of years ago but decided to try again. This is why I'm asking the specific question about other people who are tummy sleepers.
• Your sleep apnea will go away pretty quickly as you lose weight. You won't be able to sleep on your tummy for a few weeks at least after surgery while your incisions heal. After that you'll be good. It's worth getting over the few weeks with not great sleep though because you won't need that machine anymore.
•  I couldn't wear my cpap either.. it gave me migraines.. on a good note, I am two months out, and my bf has told me I o not snore anymore.. I breathe heavy off and on, but nothing like I used too. After surgery u cant sleep on tummy for a bit, it hurts.. even after I was fully healed I tried it, and felt a pulling pressure.. I can now. but def not for first month.
• My sleep apnea and snoring went away within a month after surgery..you can sleep however you want after surgery but tummy might be uncomfortable for a few weeks...good luck.
• Love my CPAP and as the weight falls off they keep reducing the pressure and now I fear I don't need it anymore. It's like having the breeze brush up against my face. Different mask might help, also loosen the mask, and I have no trouble sleeping in any position. For the first month adjusting to it seemed difficult, but then was much better. Also, I got the humidify inc attachment.
• I loved my bi-pap. Please go back to the place that sold you your cpap and tell them what is going on. People die in their sleep, and your body will never renew itself for the next day.
• Bipap is way to go pressure lessons when exhaling much easier to breathe.
• I. Am the same way with my machine. I never used it. And I can only sleep on my tummy. Day I came home from hospital. I was. Sleeping on my tummy. You'll figure it out if ya wanna get to sleep. Lol
• [Me again.]  Thanks for all the great feedback. I'm definitely not giving up on the CPAP or whatever treatment is going to work for me. I have an appointment with a pulmonologist from the sleep clinic next Thursday. He will be looking at the data from my machine as well as have me bring the entire machine in (I'm guessing to make sure I'm wearing it correctly). I have tried loosening it, tightening it, sleeping on my back, on my side, different masks. I've pretty much tried it all and I'm completely at my wit's end. I pray something works soon otherwise I think people will find me in a corner crying from the pure exhaustion and frustration.
•  I felt like that until I joined a internet group, and I asked one questions detailing the masks I had tried, the levitating nasal pillows lol, and someone said "try this one". And I did, and it worked. Used it for about 6 years.
• I have a machine and I sleep in all positions except for the first month after surgery- I couldn't sleep on my stomach. I usually place my hose above my head when I lay down as it allows the air to flow freely. If the tubing is twisted I find I don't sleep well. I also have the full mask and the CPAP pillow which have cut outs for the mask and neck support.  Some times I do wake up with a headache but I believe the temperature need the be adjusted that night which sometimes affect my sinus.   Sometimes the temp that you have it set can make your sleeping uncomfortable. Mine is set at 70 degrees at the moment.
• Kathy, another thought I had is you might want to start and use the CPAP for one hour and gradually work the way up. You are ramping right?

It's clear from the messages that I'm not alone in the inability to sleep with the CPAP.  That made me feel better, as well as knowing that some were even able to sleep on their tummies.  It's so hard feeling like no one understands the things we go through, only to then realize there really are others that understand from personal experience.  It's really hard to describe the frustration I have gone through with this.  The inability to sleep is just awful, especially when you need to be somewhat functional throughout the day and particularly when driving behind the wheel of a car.

What I have decided is to try to let it go as much as I can.  Otherwise I'll cause myself (more) unending stress and anxiety.  That's the last thing I need to bring on for myself.  I have an appointment with a doctor from the sleep clinic on Thursday, so I'll see what he has to stay.  In the meantime, I'll do the best I can to get some sleep.

Speaking of which, I have an early morning walk with Sara and her two doggies.  I'm not going to use the machine tonight so I can ensure I will have enough energy to walk tomorrow.  Looking forward to that!

Water Challenge Day 25:  Drank 186 of 185 ounces 

Trying not to stress about it

It seems like this issue with my inability to sleep with the CPAP machine has been overtaking most of the space in my head.  Last night I decided to sleep sans the machine and I fell asleep in about five minutes.  I remember my head hitting the pillow and then I was out like a light.  The truth is that I sleep so much better without the machine that is supposed to help me sleep better.  Ironic ain't it?  Two reasons keep me trying the machine.  First, it is incredibly dangerous for my heart and overall health to live with unregulated sleep apnea.  The research I have done has more than convinced me that I have to keep trying.  Second, I am going to have the gastric bypass surgery later in the year and if I can't sleep on my back, how am I ever going to recover after surgery?

This issue with surgery recovery has been really weighing on my mind a lot.  I know that, for many people, they no longer have sleep apnea sometime after the surgery.  Imagine, having this incredible surgery to have a healthier and longer life.  You're in the recovery room and all of a sudden you can't breathe because you wake up every time you fall asleep.  And the doctor tells you not to lay on your stomach because your incisions need to heal.  So you're lying there in a dark room, struggling with a CPAP machine that only keeps you up and prevents you from sleeping.  Your eyes hurt from being so tired but you Just.Can't.Sleep.  No matter what you do, you Just.Can't.Sleep.  Tears are falling from your eyes out of frustration in not being able to fall asleep without losing your breath.  This is what I'm going through right now.  I lay there with every good intention that this will be the night that I will fall asleep with the machine, even if it's just 15 minutes.  It never happens.  I'm talking never, ever.  

I decided to be proactive today.  Instead of sitting here in wonder, I decided to send a message to the doctor who approved me for the surgery.  I am seeing a pulmonologist next week, but I don't know if he can answer questions about the specifics on the surgery.  I know I'm being impatient, I completely own that.  Yet, the worry about what will happen after surgery is messing with my head so much that I just had to ask some questions to find out if I should worry or if I can relax a bit.  So here's what I asked the doctor in my message:

"Hi Dr. R,

I am currently participating in the Options program leading to a gastric bypass surgery.  I have a question I'm hoping you can help me with since I don't have a surgeon yet with it being too early in the process.  I was diagnosed with sleep apnea a couple of years ago, tried the CPAP machine but gave up because I just couldn't fall asleep.  However, I have decided to try again because I know how important it is to be on the machine.  I am still having extreme difficulty and cannot sleep on my back or side.  I lose my breath and wake up.  I have an appointment with the sleep clinic to see how I'm doing.  However, in regards to the surgery, is it possible to still have the surgery if I'm a tummy sleeper?  I'm just worried I won't be able to have it if I can't sleep on my back/side.  If you could provide me with some insight, I'd appreciate it.  Thank you."

So I sent it off with bated breath, hoping the doctor would help me feel better or at least alleviate the worry I have going on inside.  Here is his very detailed response:

"The condition or way you sleep should not interfere with surgery.  Thanks."

Okay.  Mr. Personality he is not.  I might look into whether or not I can contact one of the surgeons that actually perform the surgery just to be certain because his response left a lot to be desired.  He does not perform the actual surgery, but does the final approval for Kaiser members in the San Diego area that want to move forward with the surgery.  

These are the things that take up space in my head and make me want to eat when I'm left with more questions than answers.  And I have to admit that I really wanted to eat today.  Instead, I drank water.  Ho hum ... water.  It didn't give me quite the thrill that a scoop of ice cream does, but it shouldn't be doing that anyway.  Sorry I seem to be talking about all the CPAP trials and tribs lately.  It's just all-consuming for me because I'm very tired, physically and emotionally.  It has wiped me out and I feel non-functional lately.  I'm sure I'm handling things better than I think in my head but I'm just exhausted.

Water Challenge Day 23:  Drank 185 of 185 ounces

Seriously not trying to complain but ...

So my saga with that freakin' CPAP machine continues.  Have you ever been so frustrated with something that you just wanted to cry because you just honestly don't know what to do with yourself?  I passed that place last night.  My doc prescribed some deliciously yummy sleeping pills that, under normal circumstances, would be a special treat for any problem sleeper.  Imagine floating on a cloud the moment your head hits the pillow and then waking up like Sleeping Beauty in the morning.  Doesn't that sound heavenly?  How about the sleeper that is very tired but is fighting a machine to see who's gonna win?  Side note:  the machine won.  Grrrrrr.

I honestly feel like I'm at the end of my rope.  I'm still trying, I promise.  I am going to bed each night with renewed spirit and a hope that this will be the night that I fall asleep on the machine.  I try to block it out of my mind and not think too much about it.  Yet, when you're trying to fall asleep after 3, 4, 5 hours and just can't get there, what else can you do but practically weep in your pillow?  There is a point that I just have to take the straps off so that I can get at least some sleep.  I do need to be functional in my job somehow.  If you're a praying person, please throw out a prayer or two on my behalf.  I would appreciate that so much.  I know how dangerous sleep apnea is left untreated, so I will continue trying until I see the pulmonologist.  Hopefully he'll wave a magic wand at me and I'll become Sleeping Beauty.  Dare to dream, right?

Totally changing topics, I shared a few days ago that I got into grad school to pursue my master's degree.  After spending the weekend thinking about what is the best course of action for me, I've decided that I'm going to wait until the Fall term to start my classes.  If I start now, I would have to start in second year classes and that feels a bit backwards to me since I'll then need to take first year classes afterwards.  So now that I have more months without school, I'll need to work on scholarships and different ways to pay so that I can avoid taking out more student loans if at all possible.  I hate borrowing more money, although I will if I have to do that.  It's important for me to get the master's degree so that I can move on to the next level in my profession.  One of the things I do in my job is help students with obtaining scholarships.  I guess now I'll have to use some of those skills for myself!  Alright, time for me to take that sleeping pill and then have a great night of sleep (positive thinking all the way man!!).

Water Challenge Day 21:  Drank 52 of 186 ounces (yeah, okay, I did bad today)

Pre-op class #3 and weekly weigh-in

This week's Options class was about embracing change.  Ah, change ... one of the most difficult things for most people to deal with.  I don't know many people that really love change.  If anything, most of us just deal with it.  Of course, it can be very positive as well.  I recognize that my process leading up to the gastric bypass is a series of many different changes.  My challenge will be how willing I am to handle them head-on or if I will try to bury my head in the sand.  With change comes choice.  The fact is that I can choose to change or I can choose to stay stagnant.  That's the beauty of this entire process - all these things are up to me.  I am challenged to look within and see if I am really willing to do the work or if I just want to get away with the base minimum.  It's an interesting thing to think about.  Obviously I want things to be better and to feel healthier.  But the question is if I really do want it.  Do I want to be able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want or do I sincerely want to live a healthier life with healthier choices?  There's this pouty little girl inside of me that says, "Ick, how boring!  Enjoy that life eating rabbit food."  Yet, there's that other part of me that is tired of feeling aches and pains all the time.  She wants to breathe better, no longer have diabetes and just live a longer, more vibrant life.

There were some practical things I can do to continue countering negative beliefs and feelings into positive ones.  One of the challenges for me this coming week will be to immediately counter any negative thoughts I may have about myself with something positive.  Many people who have weight problems say a lot of negative things about themselves, myself included.  I can't even express how many times I'll pass a mirror and say something negative as I look at my reflection.  It's horrible that I do that because no one deserves it and, really, that's the whole point of the exercise.  Speaking of making change, one of the charges we have throughout the classes is to start incorporating practices now that will help us transitioning after the surgery.  One of the great tips was to try to eat slower by using baby utensils or, even better, use chopsticks.  Sounds like a great idea but I can't use chopsticks!  I never mastered that skill. I'd be sitting at the dining room table 2 hours after everyone else has left if I ate with them. The more I thought about it, though, the more I thought it was a great idea.  This will definitely slow me down if I'm hurrying and I'll learn something new.  See, I'm picking up all kinds of talents and skills along the way in this journey.

My weigh-in this week was pretty nice - I lost a couple of pounds.  I'll gladly take it!  My water intake has been pretty good overall.  I just need to figure out what's going on with using the CPAP machine and I think I'd be feeling fantastic.  Lack of sleep is extremely frustrating.  I saw one of my doctors today and she prescribed some sleep meds to use in conjunction with the machine, so hopefully that'll just knock me right out.  I pray I will fall right into bed and sleep the whole night through.  Mmm, that sounds devine!

Water Challenge Day 20:  Drank 168 or 186 ounces

Challenges

My post right is coming to you at about 4 a.m.  I decided to take a nap at 8 p.m. last night.  Really, who was I kidding ... I decided to go to bed, not take a nap.  I was just tired from my day.  It was a roller coaster of emotions and I guess my body and mind were just exhausted.

First of all, the night before, I tried sleeping with my CPAP.  Tried.  It was four hours of not even nodding off, let alone sleeping.  I know the advise was to keep it on until I fell asleep, but I had to gauge whether I was going to lay there for eight hours with no sleep or at least giving it the four hours and then take it off to get some sleep so that I would at least be functional at work.  I promise I'm not giving up on it.  I'm going to keep trying.  I know that having sleep apnea is very dangerous and so I will keep trying.  I do have an appointment with a doctor from the sleep clinic in a couple of weeks to see how I'm doing.  If I'm still not sleeping by that point with the machine, then I'm pretty sure they'll put me through a sleep study.  While the thought of trying to sleep while someone is watching me through a glass pane and having the machine on my face doesn't appeal to me, I'll do whatever I can to move to that place that will allow me to sleep well.  I pray that with continued weight loss, I won't need to bother with the machine in the future.

Speaking of doctors, I had a follow-up appointment today with a gynecologist a few weeks after I had the endometrial biopsy done.  I decided that I was going to talk to the doctor about the treatment I got from the physician's assistant before the procedure was done because it was upsetting.  I was going to be brave and strong while I did it.  When I got in the office, the nurse told me that the doctor was going to examine me because it was my first time seeing her, so I had to take off everything from my waist down and put the "napkin" over my lap to cover myself.  Great.  Do you know how hard it is to be brave and confident, attempting to have a serious conversation with a doctor when your underwear is in one corner of the room while you're on the other??  But, I was brave and told her how difficult it was to encounter her P.A. with the way she spoke to me.  I did cry during my conversation with the doctor, which made me mad at myself, but the tears were there for a reason.  I suppose it was just the frustration of being told that my weight would be the cause of cancer (if I had it).  I told her that was so difficult because I felt judged and, having had cancer of a different form just two years ago, I'm especially sensitive to that word even being brought up.  The part that was hilarious though was, when I started to cry, the doctor was looking around for tissues and I said to her, "That's okay, I'll just use this" ... I reached down and grabbed the edge of the big napkin that was covering my lap.  It made us both laugh, so at least we got some comic relief.  She did tell me she was sorry about how I was treated the last time I was there and it wouldn't happen again.  In regards to the medical part of the visit, we have decided to continue me on a oral pill treatment.  If it doesn't work, then we'll be discussing different options, such as implanting an IUD.  So far so good on the pills.

The other big issue of my day was dealing with some difficulties I have been having with starting grad school.  Without giving you all a blow by blow of what has been going on, I've been trying to get answers from my grad counselor in terms of signing up for classes.  I'm starting in the spring term and it didn't appear as though any of the first-year classes that I needed were being offered.  I contacted my counselor and it took him from Tuesday until Friday to get back to me.  I get they're busy, but classes start on Monday!  I was really angry and I tried contacting the guy three times.  With a lot of twists and turns along the way, I found out that because I'm starting in the spring, I would need to take second year classes and then do my beginning courses when a brand new cohort starts in the fall.  I ended up talking with Dr. B, who is in charge of my

particular program in San Diego and is the professor teaching some of my classes.  He assured me that I will be able to take all 48 units of my program in San Diego and not have to drive anywhere else (for a time, it looked like I would have to drive up to Murrieta or L.A. because that's where the main campus for Azusa Pacific is where I am taking classes).  The communication was severely lacking, especially with having to do with my grad counselor.  He is the same person I was dealing with when I was applying and he was exactly the same way then.  Dr. B expressed that he personally signed off on my application and is looking forward to having me as a student so I have nothing to worry about in terms of being able to participate in the program.  The only thing I have to decide is whether or not I will start this spring or just wait until the fall.  If I start this spring, there is only one class that will use concepts introduced from another class, so I might feel as though I'm behind.  After talking to one of the counselors at work, she was telling me that she came into her grad program after having taken a semester somewhere else and she always felt a little "off" by not doing everything together with her cohort.  I have some thinking to do this weekend.  As I was talking to another friend about this, she wondered if maybe this was happening for a reason.  It got me to thinking about something someone said to me a while ago.  It's a sweet woman who regularly reads this blog and she asked me if maybe I should consider waiting to start grad school in the fall since I will have a lot going on with the upcoming gastric bypass.  The more I thought about, the more I wondered if perhaps she was right and this was God's way of letting me know that it's okay to wait and focus on taking good care of my health leading up to the surgery.  I have a lot to think about this weekend.  Dr. B. did ask me to let him know my decision on Monday.  He did tell me that whichever direction I decide to go will be just fine.

As I was going home from work, I decided that it was a good time to make a run to Costco so that I could pick up fruits, veggies and whatever else I needed.  As every member knows, you have to flash your Costco card to get in.  I pulled out my card and showed it to the person at the door, but what I had flashed her was my Kaiser card.  Ha ha ... no wonder she looked at me funny.  They don't even look the same, I just must have been tired.  As I was going through and picking up my healthy food - spaghetti squash (I didn't even know they had my fav veggie there!), spring salad, mushrooms, peppers, artichoke hearts, etc. - I happened upon veggie chips.  I've had them before and went through a lame rationalization in my head that since they're veggie chips, they're good for me.  Okay, sure, they are not as bad as normal chips, but still.  I put them in my cart and off I went.  Guess what happened to me?  I found myself munching on them like regular chips.  My fingers were greasy, so I knew they couldn't really be called veggies.  I finally was munching so much that I just had to crush all the chips and then bury them in my trash can.  Those just aren't okay for me to eat, at least not right now.  I realize now, as I reflect on it, those chips really screwed with me because I didn't get nearly all my water in.  It wasn't only the chips, but the mentality that goes with them that led me to even making the choice to pick them up.  When I'm in the right place emotionally, I don't want to eat stuff like that.  So, they are smashed to the consistency of sawdust at the bottom of my trash can and I'm done with them.  I can't wait to have my healthier stuff tomorrow.  It makes me feel like I'm taking better care of my body.  I've been doing good this week on getting more exercise in, drinking my water and eating well, so I don't want one bad choice or day negate all of that.

Water Challenge Day 18:  Drank 58 of 186 ounces