Why did I choose Optifast to lose weight?

I was reflecting today on my weight loss and just how far I've come since February.  I've been at this for nine months now.  I don't know where I am exactly with the weight loss since I missed my official weigh-in on Monday, but I had lost a total of 190 pounds as of the week previous.  People at work today were commenting on how loose my pants were fitting.  Now size 16's are loose on me.  Can you imagine?  When I started, I was snugly zipping into size 34 pants.  Now I'm on the threshold of fitting into size 14's.  That's just mind-boggling to me.  Sure, for some people a size 16 would be absolutely huge.  For me?  It's the land of being able to buy clothes off the rack in a regular store, not Lane Bryant or The Avenue.  Don't get me wrong ... I was grateful that such stores existed, but I don't ever want to go there again once I get too small to fit in their products.

Some people will ask me why I chose to go the route of such a drastic method such as the medically supervised liquid program I chose in Optifast.  To be honest, it was not an easy decision by any stretch of the imagination.  I tried so many ways to lose weight, some were even successful for a period of time.  Then I reached the point of utter desperation with my weight.  Look at my pics of progress page and you'll see my before pictures.  I eventually got to a top weight of 420 pounds.  420 pounds!!  How on God's green earth does anyone get to that weight, let alone a woman?  It's almost as if I blinked one day and I had morphed into someone unrecognizable who was very unhappy.  The sad part of that is that I didn't even allow myself to recognize it at the time.

I finally hit my bottom and told myself that it honestly was either time I did something serious to lose the weight or I was going to die.  I felt that so strongly in my heart, not just me being melodramatic.  This felt like it called for more than just another go-around at Weight Watchers.  Don't get me wrong, I love Weight Watchers and think it's a terrific program.  But my problem was bigger that counting points, calories or the like.  I needed medical intervention.

I was very, very close to getting the gastric bypass surgery.  In the end, though, I just couldn't go through with the process.  I know I needed something serious like that, but I wasn't ready to have a surgery that had potential horrible side effects, let alone the possibility of dying from the surgery.  All the while, I knew Optifast was an available option for me through my insurance company, Kaiser.  In a moment of crystal clear clarity, where I could feel it down to my bones, I just knew in my heart that this was the right path for me.

I also knew that if I was going to be serious about my weight loss, I was going to do whatever they told me to do.  They have over 30 years of experience running this successful program that has helped not only over 25,000 patients in the San Diego area, but countless other Optifast patients across the nation and world.  So I told myself that I was all in.  And if I was going to do it, I wasn't going to do it half-assed.  I would see it through to completion.  This was not about losing the weight as fast as possible for me.  That never was the intention.  I chose this option because I know it works for those that are committed.  The weight comes off and stays off if you follow the plan.  It was about being healthy.  Sure, after losing 190 pounds and now being on the modified program that includes one lean meal a day, I could very easily say, See ya Optifast ... I'm out!!  After losing that much weight, I certainly have some tools in my arsenal to help me be successful in doing it on my own and every reason in the world not to doubt myself.  Yet, I am absolutely honest enough with myself to admit that I need this program.  I need the professional medical advice that comes with it, I need the group support that I have each week in class, I need the counselor to be my biggest supporter.  But more than all of that, I need to not feed into the thinking that got me here in the first place, namely that I have enough knowledge and determination to do it on my own.  I have lost 100 pounds before, and gained it all back with change.  Now I needed to go for behavior modification, have some accountability and just do things differently.

I'm admitting on here to all you lovely people that I'm not a perfect person.  Shocker, I know!!  I need the support and boy do I get a lot of it.  If it's not from the Kaiser group, blog readers and Optifast's Facebook page, then it's from the world of support in my family, friends, co-workers and the many people who give me a smile of encouragement every day.  Even the kids I work with at the high school are my biggest cheerleaders.

The end of my second 20-week group is on Monday and then I go into round three when an entire new group of people just starting the program will be joining us.  I am committed to seeing this through to the end because I need it.  I'm humble enough to admit that I need the help, and that's perfectly okay.  I have the rest of my life to live in maintenance - there's no reason for me to sprint to the finish line by stopping what I'm doing now.  Yes, it's expensive.  Yes, it takes a lot of my time.  But, literally, it has saved my life.  I have lost 190 pounds.  Good Lord, what other situation is that even within the realm of possibility, really?

Along the way, I have made a lot of new friends and discovered so many parts of myself that needed a second chance.  Sure, there's been physical pain along the way that I'm still dealing with, but there's been so much joy, too.  Even writing this blog all began because of Optifast.  I know that it has reached out to other people who are thinking of going on the same journey or who are looking at taking good care of themselves.  I know that because I receive e-mails from people I would have never met under different circumstances.  So many people root for me and pray for me, which touches me more than my words could ever express.  I even have readers that don't have weight issues, but they stumbled onto my blog and read about my story of triumph and that makes them coming back, which is beyond cool.  As I venture onto the next 20 weeks of the program, I do so with a very strong commitment.  I'm not looking to other methods because, helloooo 190 pounds gone.  I know I keep saying that and you're probably rolling your eyes at me, but I don't care.  This is a big freakin deal.

Much improved

I had a much better day today.  My doctor is already starting me on a treatment plan, so I pick up some new medication tomorrow which will replace two pills I'm taking.  I like the two-for-one deal.  He has also referred me to physical therapy for my legs, which is a process but the ball is rolling.  In addition, he has given me the green light to continue on my current eating plan with my modified Optifast program.  He really is very supportive of what I'm doing with my weight loss and feels continued work in that area will only help me with pain management since the less weight that is resting on my knees, all the better.

Our little crew that goes on lunch walks got out today with someone new added to the mix and we were able to laugh, chat and just enjoy the sunshine.  It really helped me focus on good healthy actions to continue taking care of my body.  Ultimately, that is the most important thing for me to do.  When I got home, I got in goofball mode.  I recently bought myself a new iPhone 5 and started new service through a different cell carrier.  I'm playing with all the bells and whistles since my other phone was not near as fancy as this phone, one of which is the ability to take self portraits.  So I took a couple of me.  I haven't uploaded a face picture in a while, so here I am!

And here's one of Sasha, one of my two kitties, just cuz she was so cute.

All together now ... Awwww!!

 

I'm feeling like I'm in a good space for today.  Tomorrow I meet with the physical medicine doctor who has been working with me on back and neck pain I've been dealing with.  I do plan on updating her on  the recent diagnosis to see if that changes my treatment in that regard.  Onward and onward.

Felt so close to the edge today

Most people that know me know that I am a very strong person.  I may get emotional at times in private, but I am generally the person who is calm in the middle of a crisis or can be the sound voice of reason.  Yet, I felt very vulnerable and naked today. 

My day started with me not getting much sleep last night, probably the result of the stress I was feeling yesterday learning about the severity of my medical situation.  In some ways, I'd like to kick my heels together three times like Dorothy and wish I were in a different place.  Yet, who's to say that a different place would be a better place?  I'm definitely grateful things aren't worse, but I am overwhelmed with the state my poor body is in right now.  Here's what I'm dealing with:

• Constant lower back pain
• Tendinitis in my right hand causing constant pain, doctor feels I will need a second surgery there
• Carpel tunnel in my left hand that has improved over time but hurts significantly when I try to ease the pain in my right hand by using the left one more (did that make sense??)
• Light headedness/dizziness when I stand up
• Significant pain from my hips all the way down to my shins in both legs, which the doctor feels is being caused by the osteoarthritis, as well as a weak feeling when I climb hills or stairs
• Fibromyalgia that contributes to the pain and fatigue

Good Lord, that's a lot to have at one time.   It's no wonder that I got emotional with a friend at work and cried when I told her what was going on.  The tears came from a place of frustration and stress, as well as the realization that the osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia will be with me for the rest of my life.  There are things that can be done to manage the pain (the doctor has already referred me to physical therapy), but it just felt incredibly overwhelming in the moment.  I just want to feel better, and I know that even with everything going on, it's still better than the place I used to be in.  I have to remember that I had deadly cancer last year (melanoma), diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol.  Those things are gone now and I really am very grateful, I just need to also honor my feelings about what I'm dealing with now.  Living in constant pain is not easy, trust me. 

Tonight, on my way home from my class, I had an incredibly strong urge to stop by the grocery store and pick up ice cream to take home.  That is not a food I eat today and has gotten me in some major trouble in the past, but the urge was so overwhelming.  And I knew that if I did such a thing, I would eventually eat the entire container.  If I did that, there would be no boundary I'd be unwilling to cross.  So I started praying as I was driving, asking God to help me get through the moment.  I didn't really want the ice cream but I honestly think I wanted something else ... an escape.  I can escape into food and then I don't have to deal with the fact that I'm feeling overwhelmed and tired.  I'm happy to say that the prayer was answered - I didn't stop at any store on the way home and I had a very clean dinner of salad, asparagus and 3 oz. of baked salmon.  I measured out my veggies and weighed my salmon.  It's what I needed to do and it made me feel better that I can overcome the cravings in the moment.  That's the challenge for me, and for many of us ... finding a way not to go to the food to solve problems but to be present and walk through life with all of it's hills and valleys. 

Repercussions of the past

It looks like we're getting closer to figuring out what's been going on regarding the pain I've been experiencing since I started losing weight nine months ago.  As it stands right now, it looks like I have osteoarthritis in both knees as well as fibromyalgia.  I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis years ago in my left knee.  I was involved in a horrible auto accident where I was hit from the side and my knee slammed into the dashboard.  So my doctor wasn't certain if it was from the accident or the excess weight I was carrying.  However, because I was so young at the time, it was assumed it was from the accident.

Today I found out from a message the rheumatologist sent to me that I have mild osteoarthritis in both knees, although more significantly in the left knee (which is the one that was involved in the accident).  In addition, he also diagnosed me with fibromyalgia.  We're still waiting for some lab results to come back, but he is feeling right now that these issues can be significant causes of the pain I've been feeling.  After the other results come back, I then need to see my primary care doctor to discuss options for pain relief, possible physical therapy in those areas and some exercises I can do to strengthen the weak areas.

Prior to hearing this news, I wasn't feeling very good today so I ended up coming home from work.  I had doubled up on some medication that the neurologist gave me, under her direction, and it made me feel absolutely sick to my stomach.  So, I was feeling like I was in a vulnerable place already.  When the doctor mentioned the problem with both knees, it brought a sting of tears to my eyes.  It's because, as I move further away from my highest weight and closer to goal, I have been feeling very emotional about the life I lived before, with blinders on as to the damage I was doing to my body.  When you keep on piling on weight and you stop paying attention to how tight your clothes are fitting or you stop looking in the mirror or whatever method you may have chosen to try to pretend you weren't getting larger, the more emotionally painful it is to look back and realize it was a life of merely existing and not really living.  I had lunch with a friend yesterday who was about 50 pounds less than me when I started losing weight.  Now I way much less than she does and she's been trying to lose weight, but told me yesterday that it's not a priority for her any more.  We talked about the concern being about being healthy and I could tell she just didn't want to talk about it.  I let it drop because you can't force anybody to be ready to lose weight unless they are there themselves.  I totally get that.  I mention this friend because I remember being in that space and now I see the damage I have done by being a super obese person.  Some of this damage is not reversible and that is a very hard pill to swallow. 

The thing with all of this is that I'm trying my very best to take care of myself now.  It's just difficult dealing with the reality of the space that I was in before.  No, I'm not there now, but I'm dealing with the repercussions of those decisions I made to overeat now.  The pain I feel is looking like it was caused by putting so much weight on my body that it just couldn't handle it.  After losing so much weight, the truth of the damage that was done is now being revealed.  I'm in major pain all the time, even if it may not seem like it.  I'm a master of disguises.  If someone asks me how I'm doing, I'm not going to complain to them unless they know what's going on.  I will smile and say I'm doing fine.  Yet, through all of this, I know I will end up stronger on the other side.  I am a fighter and so I know that I will make it through this time.

If you are reading this blog, contemplating going on Optifast or some other method to lose your weight, the best advice I can give you is to tell you to do it ... do it now, do it today.  Please don't wait till Monday or a better time in your life.  You do not want to subject yourself to the sort of pain I'm living through or the hundreds/thousands of other people out there who perhaps did similar damage to their bodies.  I will continue working hard through this difficult time, but I pray that my story resonates with you in some small way.  

Letting go of the past

I've had a pretty relaxing day, which I sorely needed.  The stress of the medical stuff the last couple of weeks has been so hard to deal with and I think I was just stressed beyond conception.  The only thing I absolutely had to do today was take the car in to get serviced.  My brother lives in Vegas, so my mom and I are heading out there for a Thanksgiving visit in a couple of weeks.  I like to be the driver because I've got a SUV and it's just a more comfy drive for me.  Besides, my mother has anxiety behind the wheel so I like to let her just chill out as much as possible.  Before taking the car in, I decided to clean out the console and bring some other things into my house. 

The console has sort of been my collection spot for things ... some CD's, trash and whatever else I can't be bothered with while driving.  Have you ever gone through your CD's before?  Some of the ones I had in there were hilarious, like this one.

What can I say?  I grew up in the 70's and 80's.  When no one's looking, I might sing their songs in my car, perhaps at the top of my lungs.  I also had CD's from Dave Matthews Band, MC Hammer and Pearl Jam, among others.  My tastes run the gamut. As I was digging deeper in the console, I found something that made me stop right there in my tracks.

When I bought my car, I barely fit in the seat.  In fact, my tummy touched the steering wheel, so there was really no excess breathing room for me.  As humiliating as this was at the time, I bought the seat belt extension to make things more comfortable for me.  I'd use it every day and hide it in my console when I wasn't driving.  I didn't want other people discovering the fact that I had an extension.  Since I lost 45 pounds in the first month when I started Optifast, I was able to remove the extension pretty quickly and stow it away in case I needed it in the future.  It's been something I have been hanging onto, almost like a security blanket.  I no longer need it, as was evidenced by the picture I uploaded in this post.  So, it's time to let it go.  I don't plan to put myself in a position where I would need it again in the future. 

I forget how much my body has changed until I see tangible things like the seat belt extension.  Even when I went to get my car serviced, I sat in one of the chairs with arms in the waiting room and fit very comfortably.  In the past, I had to squeeze in the chairs.  These are triumphs I get to experience, not just the numbers changing on the scale.  I need to celebrate these victories much more often.  Today I celebrate the fact that I no longer need a seat belt extension in my own car.  That's an amazing feeling.

Putting myself first, such a concept

A while back, I talked about starting a lunch walking club at work as a way for me to continue getting my exercise in now that I'm no longer on summer break.  Some days it is hit and miss in terms of how many people end up going.  Most of the time, it's just me and one of my friends that go consistently.  We have offices next to each other at work and we both have stressful jobs, so, if anything, it was a time for us both to see the sun and get away from the demands of the job for a while.  Sometimes we'll have 1-2 other people join us, which is also lovely.  I enjoy getting out and exercising.  Today I was the only one that was able to go.  Part of me said, "You know, you can skip it.  No one's going with you so it's really okay."  The truth is, though, if I'm trying to convince myself that I need to skip it, that's the last thing I should be doing.  So I slipped off my sandals, threw on my sneakers and went out walking by myself. 

I decided that I would challenge myself and took a new route that involved a lot of hills.  What I love so much is that when I'm walking, even though I start out with pain in my legs and back, the exercise really helps with that.  I'm never pain free, but I get such a good stretch going and feel so much better.  It's almost as if I don't want to stop because I know I'm getting some relief.  As I walked and I was looking over the canyon behind the school where I work, I thought about how grateful I am.  Not only that I'm walking through this weight loss process and not only because I'm walking through getting treatment for pain but because I just feel a huge difference in my life.  I feel God blessing me at truly every turn.  I'm present enough today to recognize that and I'm willing to do the work that is put before me.  I couldn't have ever imagined that this place where I am right now is something that would have been my reality when I first started Optifast.  Can you imagine ... down 190 pounds and still going?  That's really crazy talk when I think about it.  Yet, this is the world I live in today.  No matter what challenges I have had along the way and continue to have, I am living a dream right now as I type this.  When I started, I was hoping to lose somewhere around 100 pounds.  Not only have I lost almost twice that, but I'm no longer a diabetic?  I no longer have high blood pressure?  I no longer have high cholesterol?  All of that is crazy talk, but that's exactly what happened.  There's no way I could be anything by grateful.  Who knows where I'm going to end up as I continue down this path, guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Glad to have a non-eventful day

As I have been watching coverage of the devastation the east coast has endured because of the storm, I'm just reminded how precious everything is.  While I have been and continue to deal with painful medical issues, I'm grateful that it's nothing worse.  Don't get me wrong, the pain I live in every day is nothing I can ignore - my body makes sure I am well aware of pain - but big picture here ... I can deal with it.  I thank God that my family that lives in the middle of the storm is okay, that they didn't lose their home and that they're all safe.  It's just a huge reminder for me to count my blessings every single day.  I had an acupuncture appointment today and it was a painful one because my body is in pain, but the action I'm taking is all about healing.  As I laid there with a million needles sticking out of me, I was in a peaceful place.  I even fell asleep on the table ... twice ;-)  Eventually I will get to a place where I will feel better and so I always try to keep my eye on the prize.  I mean, I can consider myself a living, breathing miracle.  I was at 417 pounds when I started Optifast.  Today I can do things that I never even imagined I could do before, let alone hope for.  It will only continue getting better, even with the hills and valleys of life.