Costo and gym judgement

Seriously, how bad does someone need a free hot dog sample?

I haven't been shopping at Costco since right before I started Optifast in February.  I did go once for a work thing and another time to buy shoes and vitamins for my mom, but I mean to go shopping for myself.  It is just too tempting a place for an overeater.  Trust me when I tell you that I have spent a pretty penny there in the past.  I was never one to sample the food at the end of every aisle like what I saw back in February.  Every time I indulged, it was in private where no one could see me.  So I went in there today to get some yummy salmon, chicken breasts, fruit and veggies.  Since I will be eating a lot of veggies and fruit as well as healthy cuts of fish and meat, I thought that was a good place for me to go.  Yet, there were those end-of-aisle hawkers.  I was amazed at the lines that accumulated and how annoyed people got at me for trying to go around them.  Well excuuuuse me for actually trying to shop.  I did well and was proud of myself for making good choices.  Yay me!  I did discover something that my body just doesn't like ... Greek yogurt.  Perhaps it was the batch I got, I don't know.  But my body was screaming at me, "Just say no!!!"  I guess I'm just used to the regular non-fat plain yogurt and not that thick stuff.  Otherwise, I found some great stuff to experiment with.  My challenge right now is to get a lot of veggies in without making a big salad at every meal.  I love a good salad, but after a while, you start feeling like a furry little bunny eating all that lettuce.  Melissa did give me some good suggestions for roasting my veggies and preparing them in other ways.  I appreciate that so much because I need the variety.

Later on the in the day, I decided to hit the gym for a good workout.  It was a little difficult because of the ten huge plasma TV's they had above the cardio section ... every single station had some piece on about the shooting tragedy in Connecticut.  I had my iPhone plugged in and was listening to music on Pandora, but I couldn't escape the images.  My heart is so heavy when I think about what happened to those poor babies, their teachers and other innocent victims who never anticipated such a fate coming upon them.  It helps me to remember, though, that I always need to tell people how much I love them and how much they mean to me.  Life is too short and precious not to do that.  Besides that, though, my experience in the gym today was a little weird.  One one hand, I had some man watching me.  I was walking on the treadmill for an hour (I want to run, but my knees just won't let me), alternating my speed from 3 miles an hour to 3.5 miles an hour on a random hill track.  So I would walk slower when I was walking on a flat surface and kick it up when I was walking on the hills.  When I work out at the gym, I am definitely in my own zone.  The earphones are in and I'm lost in the music. But, every so often when I would look up, I would see this man from the other side of the room where the weight machines were checking me out.  He wasn't outright staring at me the whole time, but between his sets.  For some reason, that made me walk faster.  Was it because I was being looked at and wanted to appear like I was doing something or was I trying to run away?  Weird feeling.  Then I had two women who didn't know each other look at me with disgust on their faces.  Hard to ignore when I caught them doing it.  So I was judging them right back, thinking how dare they put all that on me.  They don't have an idea of where I've come from.  If they were judging me so much today, can you imagine how floored they would have been to see me sweatin' it up at 420 pounds?  Actually, come to think of it, they would have never met me at 420 pounds ... I wouldn't have even dreamt to step foot in a gym at that size, no way.

I'm working hard at taking care of myself, whether that is physically, emotionally or both.  Soon I'm going to start writing on some of the questions from the workbook/binder we received from the Optifast clinic.  I want to seriously delve into the "why" of overeating, even if that might prove a difficult task for me.  The easy part was the shakes, the hard part is after the shakes, especially when I'm still trying to lose weight and not being on the shakes.  This is life and it isn't easy, but that's my challenge.  The 2012 year was about starting my journey in losing weight, which I think was a great success.  2013 and beyond is about continuing on that journey while attempting to find joy in the process at the same time.  I don't want this to be about just me taking the weight off.  Of course that is important for me, but I want it to be about a changed life where I get to make different, better choices and embrace being healthy.  Can you imagine me ... healthy?  I want to embrace that and some difficult work will be a part of the process.  The truth is, though, I'm no longer afraid of it.  I want the life I'm walking towards so much more than I ever wanted in that larger body.  And you know what?  I deserve it. So do you.

Why did I choose Optifast to lose weight?

I was reflecting today on my weight loss and just how far I've come since February.  I've been at this for nine months now.  I don't know where I am exactly with the weight loss since I missed my official weigh-in on Monday, but I had lost a total of 190 pounds as of the week previous.  People at work today were commenting on how loose my pants were fitting.  Now size 16's are loose on me.  Can you imagine?  When I started, I was snugly zipping into size 34 pants.  Now I'm on the threshold of fitting into size 14's.  That's just mind-boggling to me.  Sure, for some people a size 16 would be absolutely huge.  For me?  It's the land of being able to buy clothes off the rack in a regular store, not Lane Bryant or The Avenue.  Don't get me wrong ... I was grateful that such stores existed, but I don't ever want to go there again once I get too small to fit in their products.

Some people will ask me why I chose to go the route of such a drastic method such as the medically supervised liquid program I chose in Optifast.  To be honest, it was not an easy decision by any stretch of the imagination.  I tried so many ways to lose weight, some were even successful for a period of time.  Then I reached the point of utter desperation with my weight.  Look at my pics of progress page and you'll see my before pictures.  I eventually got to a top weight of 420 pounds.  420 pounds!!  How on God's green earth does anyone get to that weight, let alone a woman?  It's almost as if I blinked one day and I had morphed into someone unrecognizable who was very unhappy.  The sad part of that is that I didn't even allow myself to recognize it at the time.

I finally hit my bottom and told myself that it honestly was either time I did something serious to lose the weight or I was going to die.  I felt that so strongly in my heart, not just me being melodramatic.  This felt like it called for more than just another go-around at Weight Watchers.  Don't get me wrong, I love Weight Watchers and think it's a terrific program.  But my problem was bigger that counting points, calories or the like.  I needed medical intervention.

I was very, very close to getting the gastric bypass surgery.  In the end, though, I just couldn't go through with the process.  I know I needed something serious like that, but I wasn't ready to have a surgery that had potential horrible side effects, let alone the possibility of dying from the surgery.  All the while, I knew Optifast was an available option for me through my insurance company, Kaiser.  In a moment of crystal clear clarity, where I could feel it down to my bones, I just knew in my heart that this was the right path for me.

I also knew that if I was going to be serious about my weight loss, I was going to do whatever they told me to do.  They have over 30 years of experience running this successful program that has helped not only over 25,000 patients in the San Diego area, but countless other Optifast patients across the nation and world.  So I told myself that I was all in.  And if I was going to do it, I wasn't going to do it half-assed.  I would see it through to completion.  This was not about losing the weight as fast as possible for me.  That never was the intention.  I chose this option because I know it works for those that are committed.  The weight comes off and stays off if you follow the plan.  It was about being healthy.  Sure, after losing 190 pounds and now being on the modified program that includes one lean meal a day, I could very easily say, See ya Optifast ... I'm out!!  After losing that much weight, I certainly have some tools in my arsenal to help me be successful in doing it on my own and every reason in the world not to doubt myself.  Yet, I am absolutely honest enough with myself to admit that I need this program.  I need the professional medical advice that comes with it, I need the group support that I have each week in class, I need the counselor to be my biggest supporter.  But more than all of that, I need to not feed into the thinking that got me here in the first place, namely that I have enough knowledge and determination to do it on my own.  I have lost 100 pounds before, and gained it all back with change.  Now I needed to go for behavior modification, have some accountability and just do things differently.

I'm admitting on here to all you lovely people that I'm not a perfect person.  Shocker, I know!!  I need the support and boy do I get a lot of it.  If it's not from the Kaiser group, blog readers and Optifast's Facebook page, then it's from the world of support in my family, friends, co-workers and the many people who give me a smile of encouragement every day.  Even the kids I work with at the high school are my biggest cheerleaders.

The end of my second 20-week group is on Monday and then I go into round three when an entire new group of people just starting the program will be joining us.  I am committed to seeing this through to the end because I need it.  I'm humble enough to admit that I need the help, and that's perfectly okay.  I have the rest of my life to live in maintenance - there's no reason for me to sprint to the finish line by stopping what I'm doing now.  Yes, it's expensive.  Yes, it takes a lot of my time.  But, literally, it has saved my life.  I have lost 190 pounds.  Good Lord, what other situation is that even within the realm of possibility, really?

Along the way, I have made a lot of new friends and discovered so many parts of myself that needed a second chance.  Sure, there's been physical pain along the way that I'm still dealing with, but there's been so much joy, too.  Even writing this blog all began because of Optifast.  I know that it has reached out to other people who are thinking of going on the same journey or who are looking at taking good care of themselves.  I know that because I receive e-mails from people I would have never met under different circumstances.  So many people root for me and pray for me, which touches me more than my words could ever express.  I even have readers that don't have weight issues, but they stumbled onto my blog and read about my story of triumph and that makes them coming back, which is beyond cool.  As I venture onto the next 20 weeks of the program, I do so with a very strong commitment.  I'm not looking to other methods because, helloooo 190 pounds gone.  I know I keep saying that and you're probably rolling your eyes at me, but I don't care.  This is a big freakin deal.