Repercussions of the past

It looks like we're getting closer to figuring out what's been going on regarding the pain I've been experiencing since I started losing weight nine months ago.  As it stands right now, it looks like I have osteoarthritis in both knees as well as fibromyalgia.  I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis years ago in my left knee.  I was involved in a horrible auto accident where I was hit from the side and my knee slammed into the dashboard.  So my doctor wasn't certain if it was from the accident or the excess weight I was carrying.  However, because I was so young at the time, it was assumed it was from the accident.

Today I found out from a message the rheumatologist sent to me that I have mild osteoarthritis in both knees, although more significantly in the left knee (which is the one that was involved in the accident).  In addition, he also diagnosed me with fibromyalgia.  We're still waiting for some lab results to come back, but he is feeling right now that these issues can be significant causes of the pain I've been feeling.  After the other results come back, I then need to see my primary care doctor to discuss options for pain relief, possible physical therapy in those areas and some exercises I can do to strengthen the weak areas.

Prior to hearing this news, I wasn't feeling very good today so I ended up coming home from work.  I had doubled up on some medication that the neurologist gave me, under her direction, and it made me feel absolutely sick to my stomach.  So, I was feeling like I was in a vulnerable place already.  When the doctor mentioned the problem with both knees, it brought a sting of tears to my eyes.  It's because, as I move further away from my highest weight and closer to goal, I have been feeling very emotional about the life I lived before, with blinders on as to the damage I was doing to my body.  When you keep on piling on weight and you stop paying attention to how tight your clothes are fitting or you stop looking in the mirror or whatever method you may have chosen to try to pretend you weren't getting larger, the more emotionally painful it is to look back and realize it was a life of merely existing and not really living.  I had lunch with a friend yesterday who was about 50 pounds less than me when I started losing weight.  Now I way much less than she does and she's been trying to lose weight, but told me yesterday that it's not a priority for her any more.  We talked about the concern being about being healthy and I could tell she just didn't want to talk about it.  I let it drop because you can't force anybody to be ready to lose weight unless they are there themselves.  I totally get that.  I mention this friend because I remember being in that space and now I see the damage I have done by being a super obese person.  Some of this damage is not reversible and that is a very hard pill to swallow. 

The thing with all of this is that I'm trying my very best to take care of myself now.  It's just difficult dealing with the reality of the space that I was in before.  No, I'm not there now, but I'm dealing with the repercussions of those decisions I made to overeat now.  The pain I feel is looking like it was caused by putting so much weight on my body that it just couldn't handle it.  After losing so much weight, the truth of the damage that was done is now being revealed.  I'm in major pain all the time, even if it may not seem like it.  I'm a master of disguises.  If someone asks me how I'm doing, I'm not going to complain to them unless they know what's going on.  I will smile and say I'm doing fine.  Yet, through all of this, I know I will end up stronger on the other side.  I am a fighter and so I know that I will make it through this time.

If you are reading this blog, contemplating going on Optifast or some other method to lose your weight, the best advice I can give you is to tell you to do it ... do it now, do it today.  Please don't wait till Monday or a better time in your life.  You do not want to subject yourself to the sort of pain I'm living through or the hundreds/thousands of other people out there who perhaps did similar damage to their bodies.  I will continue working hard through this difficult time, but I pray that my story resonates with you in some small way.