We should all feel beautiful

As my alternate persona, Kickass Kathy, I feel like I can get out there and do anything I set my mind to doing.  This morning, I got up, ate a healthy breakfast and then proceeded to go out and get some great exercise in.  I burned 788 calories and felt like a rock star.  I walked around my neighborhood at a higher speed than I do during the week and I was singing along to the songs playing in my ears from my iPhone.  I felt amazing.

There are other times, though, that I feel like an ugly duckling.  I suppose it comes with the territory of being an obese person in a world that not only does not accept us, but hates us for being "weak".  Let's face it, alcoholism and drug addiction seem to be more acceptable than someone that goes to their food to stuff their feelings away.  On top of that, I feel a heightened sense of not belonging because I don't look like everyone else.  With an an ethnic background of being Filipino, Hungarian, German and Norwegian, it's hard not to be labeled as exotic.  All of these things feed into my idea of being ugly.  When people call me beautiful, I often wonder if perhaps they're not just a little high.  I'm being serious!  How can they look at me and say that?  When boyfriends have said it in the past, I just figured it was because they wanted to have sex with me.  Some guys will feed a line to a girl just to get her into bed.

I saw the greatest quote recently on Pinterest.  "One day I decided that I was beautiful, and so I carried out my life as if I was a beautiful girl.  I wear colors that I really like, I wear makeup that makes me feel pretty, and it really helps.  It doesn't have anything to do with how the world perceives you.  What matters is what you see.  Your body is your temple, it's your home, and you must decorate it." - Gabourey Sidibe"  She's the actress that starred in the movie, "Precious".

That's a pretty powerful message, isn't it?  And, really, she's absolutely right.  Outside beauty, just like inner beauty, is not thinking you're all that and a bag of chips.  What it is about is knowing your worth and accepting yourself as exactly who you are in the moment.  That makes you beautiful.

I would tell that to any child that comes to my office at work because I believe it to be true.  So, why, then, are there different rules when it comes to finding beauty within myself?  Of course there aren't different rules. I suppose I bought into the messages that society and specific people told me about being unlovely and unworthy.

There's actually a reason I'm bringing all of this up today.  I have a new friend who is in my bariatric pre-op classes and also reads my blog [hi my lovely new friend!].  She is a hairdresser and recently asked me if she could cut my hair.  I actually was thinking of asking her, so I was glad she brought it up.  I was in between wondering if I should grow my hair long again or keep it short and I was desperately in need of a cut.  I never thought I could pull off short hair because those that have those cute little styles are generally confident, beautiful women and I just didn't feel like I was either one.  Yet, my hair was driving me nuts.  It was just too long to do anything with.  So, long story getting longer, I made an appointment with her to get my hair cut today and told her that she had free reign on my head.  The last several times I had my hair cut, I just wasn't happy so I knew I would need to find someone new.

As I sat in the chair, even though my new friend was engaging me in conversation, I found myself not wanting to look in the mirror.  I looked down into my lap several times and talked to her.  I was fully focusing on what we were talking about, but I was also purposely not trying to look at myself in the mirror.  When I did, I honed in on the weight around my face more often than I would like to admit or the features that I felt made me look "ugly".  We had a great conversation and I was able to move past my insecurities to have it.  I just hated the fact that I was focusing on myself and what I didn't like more than anything else.  Yet, as she was cutting and the direction she was going in was starting to come into focus, something amazing was happening:  I looked at myself in the mirror and started to think that I looked cute.  This is a big deal.  It's more than just a haircut and a mirror.  This speaks to how I view myself as a worthy child of God.  It speaks to how I often feel "less than" when comparing myself to other people.  Something inside of me was saying, "No, stop looking away from the mirror.  Sit still and just be."  And so I watched.

I love how it turned out.  I love how it has made me feel - spunky and pretty.  We should all feel those things, at least once in a while.  So, like Gabby, perhaps I too will decide to be beautiful and carry myself as though I am.  By doing so, perhaps I will come to the point where I can find acceptance and know I am exactly the way I am supposed to be for exactly the purpose God intends.

Water Challenge Day 55:  Drank 170 of 182 ounces