Pre-op classes #8 and 20, weekly weigh-in

I'm feeling a little frustrated ... two weeks in a row, no weight lost.  Yeah, that blows.  I'm still pushing forward though.  I did take a look at the food I've been eating and I haven't been doing great in getting enough calories in, particularly on the days when I exercise.  To keep myself as honest as possible and making sure I track things every day, I have been opening up my food diary so that anyone can look at it when I log it in through MyFitnessPal (screen name MissKathyJean for anyone that wants to "friend" me over there).  Today, for example, I was so low on my food intake that I noticed it when I had dinner and it forced me to eat a little more.  That's a good thing.  The past couple of days, I have skipped meals.  Although it wasn't intentional, that's not a good move and my body could very well be going into starvation mode so that could be why I've stayed at the same weight.  It's something for me to be honest about and look at a little bit more.

Last night I completed week 8 and week 20 in my pre-op surgery classes.  Week 8 was my normal class, but I also did week 20 because I'm going to miss it coming up in June.  That's the night that we hold our annual Senior Awards Reception at work and, since I'm in charge of it, I thought I better make sure I can be there.  One of my friends at work all but threatened me that if it wasn't possible for me to make up the class that I was to go to the class and let her take over my duties that night.  No discussion or debating was allowed, I was to go no matter what.  That was very sweet because I know what a huge sacrifice that is, but she also didn't want me missing the class.  We can only miss four classes (all of which we have to make up).  I have been absolutely blessed with how supportive my friends and family have been.  Even my dad has really come around.  We just talked on the phone this weekend since he lives in another state and he told me how much he's in support of the surgery.  What a turnaround!  He even told me that he'd like to see me have the sleeve done instead of the bypass because of potential complications and lack of malabsorption issues.  Apparently he's been doing research and even watching surgeries on YouTube.  Got to love my dad ;-)

Anyway, back to the classes.  Week 8 was about nutrition and supplements.  Week 20 was basically us getting into groups and answering questions about what we have learned so far.  It was very evident to me that I've been doing a lot of research since I knew all the answers for that week 20 class yet we haven't covered a lot of it in my regular class yet.  I do have to say that I have been taking this very seriously and educating myself as much as possible on my various options as well as potential side effects and complications.  This last year or two has been incredibly challenging to me.  It was just about a year ago when all of the medical complications reached a boiling point when I was on Optifast that I made the choice to stop the products and began the process of starting to gain weight back.

The weight gain has been rapid and incredibly emotional for me.  Going from 420 pounds down to 228 and then back up to 380ish pounds has broken my heart more than I could ever say.  I don't even know how to convey it into words in a way that could really capture the depth of the emotions that I have gone through.  Looking in the mirror as the weight was coming back on was utterly devastating and painful.  I felt incredibly trapped and broken, as if some entity was taking over my body and I just stood there, letting it invade.  Yet, through all of this on top of everything else that has gone on in my life up to this point, I have realized that I have some sort of inner strength that has given me the power to somehow move mountains.  A lot of people would have given up, but I'm like a dog with a bone ... relentless.  I have a fervent desire to conquer no matter what the obstacles.  My health is much too important for me to give up and give in.  So I'll continue working my best to keep moving forward.  There's a lot of fight left in this girl!!