Knocking down those walls

Today I followed through on my commitment to myself and went to the appointment to begin therapy.  This is an important part of my journey.  Not everyone will have need to take such a step, but I find that my road to getting healthier is not just about having a more fit body.  It's about healing the inside as well.  I don't know how much of this process I will blog about versus writing about in my private journal.  I think time will tell on that.  I do know that I will be writing about it here, but how personal or detailed I get is really dependent upon how comfortable I feel.  Right now, it was just a big deal for me to go to the appointment.  I knew it was going to be hard because I try to do my very best to stay strong, to be there for other people or the kids I work with at the high school.  I decided, though, that I was going to be all in during this process if it was going to benefit me in any way.  So, before I stepped foot in the therapist's office, I vowed to knock down the walls as best I could so that I could be as honest as possible.  Today's appointment was about seeing where I was at and then making a plan moving forward from here.  I do have to say that the conversation was difficult for me because I was trying to hold it together at first.  I just didn't want to cry.  That lasted all about five minutes. 

Before I had gone into the building, I sent a prayer up to God to give me the strength to do what I was there to do.  I didn't know what that meant at the time, but I soon realized it was about just letting go, completely letting go.  As difficult as it was, it felt very good at the same time.  I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be doing exactly what I was supposed to do. My next step is to begin individual therapy and meeting with a doctor.  Unfortunately, I won't be able to do those things until the last week in March since I'm new, but I'll be calling in for cancellations.  And, if I can't get in sooner, then I at least know I'm continuing to move forward and that's the most important part to me.  Today's appointment was very difficult and I confess that I cried a lot, but it was one of the most healing and positive things I could have done for myself.  Hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep tonight.  I didn't get any sleep last night and very little the night before, so I'm due.