Silence does not mean agreement

I know many people have been following my journey of weight loss and self-discovery that Optifast has provided to me.  It's a very exciting time in my life and I have experienced so many different sorts of emotions along the way.  I am thrilled that I can share all of this not only with friends but also strangers.  I'm glad you've made it to my blog and are reading this post right now.  Sometimes we will agree on certain things and other times we will not.  That is perfectly okay, but it is my hope that we can do so with a level of mutual respect.

In the last day or two, I have been attacked on a personal level by someone that was a fellow member of an Optifast group that I belonged to online and someone that I was friendly with.  I quietly left that group, without discussing it with anyone else, because I needed to take care of myself.  I was not putting judgements on anyone else in terms of what was going on in the group; I just simply made a decision that the group was no longer for me.  I posted a blog entry about why I left.  It had nothing to do with one person in particular but, rather, a series of events that had been concerning me over the course of some time going on in the group.  However, I was attacked for doing so.  Initially, I was not going to respond in any way.  My silence did not mean I agreed, but simply that I chose to not engage in conversation about this.  I was attempting to move forward with dignity regarding this issue, definitely not putting judgements on other people and certainly not believing I am on a high horse. 

Some people who read this blog do not know me in person, which is no problem.  Occasionally people are different than the persona they project behind a computer screen.  Even further, it is difficult to ascertain their true character.  I completely understand that.  I have laid my heart out here in all the postings I have published and in any interaction I have had in Optifast groups.  I come from a very honest place ... I take this process very seriously and am not here to lose just a few pounds but to change my life.

When I voiced concern for people who are doing this program without medical guidance and those who advocate it, it is because I sincerely care.  Serious complications could arise for some individuals who are not properly monitored, such as extremely low blood sugars/pressure, potassium levels leading to gall bladder attacks, adverse medication reaction to the Optifast product, among other things.  This is not to say Optifast is not safe ... it is very safe.  However, we all have different body chemistries.  In my case, had I not had medical professionals telling me to stop taking my diabetes medication gradually over time after I began the program, my blood sugar level may have dropped to levels so low that I could have ended up in the hospital clinging to life.  That is where my concern comes from.  I am not a perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, but I do care tremendously about other people.  For anyone to insinuate that I am anything other than that and cold towards people just does not know me.  It is upsetting that I would be regarded in that way, but I try my best to live my life with good character.

I will continue moving forward in my journey.  I have so much to celebrate every day that I continue taking good care of myself.  I am inspired by so many of the new friends I have found traveling this same road with me and I hope I am able to inspire you in some way, too.  I know that you stand with me in support.  Hugs to each and every one of you.

Progress continuing to be made

Tonight was my Optifast class and weigh-in.  I was initially a bit disappointed with my loss of 1.5 pounds this week, but it is that time of the month and so it's not unexpected.  The disappointment only lasted for about a minute because I have lost a lot of weight and an incredible amount of inches, so I am perfectly okay with where I am right now. 

When I do go to the clinic, I buy next week's products, get weighed in, get my vitals checked at the  nurse's station and then meet with the medical staff before then going to my class where we meet for two hours as a group.  I have been suffering from extreme lightheadedness for quite some time.  My water consumption is what they want it to be and I have been doing exercises they have asked me to do, but I'm still having the problem.  I feel like I am going to pass out almost every time I get up from a sitting or standing position.  It lasts for about 10-15 seconds and then goes away.  But, as you can imagine, it's concerning, especially since I feel like I could pass out.  The medical staff decided it was time I got off my blood pressure medication, which they have been weening me off of for a couple of weeks, since my blood pressure is a little bit on the low side coupled with the lightheadedness.  Except for the supplements they have put me on while I am on the Optifast product, I have now been taken off all the medication I was taking prior to starting Optifast.  The amount of medication I was taking, especially for someone so young, was substantial.  So now, to be off of all of it, is an incredible feeling.  Who knows what is going to happen with these medical concerns surrounding the sensation of passing out, but we're continuing to monitor it and I'll be referred back to my primary care physician if it doesn't get better.  This is precisely the reason I chose to do Optifast through my hospital's clinic - the full-circle medical monitoring they have given me during this process has been invaluable to me and I feel very safe under their care.

Probably overdid it

Yesterday I went on a great walk around Lake Miramar here in San Diego County.  It's about 5 miles roundtrip, all surrounding a beautiful (you guessed it) lake.  This trail can be very deceptive because it looks like it's just a little walk around since there are so many twists and turns.  You think you're getting near the end and then, wait a minute, up comes another little turn or another hill.  It does have markers to tell you how far you've gone,  but when it's hot outside, you start to wish it wasn't 5 miles!

Anytime I exercise, my counselor has told me I need to have a shake about 30 minutes before and then have one no more than 30 minutes afterwards since I burn so many calories.  Most of the time when I exercise, I do kick up the intensity, so it's important to follow these guidelines.  I don't go for leisurely strolls unless I'm with someone else, I usually powerwalk it.  He has advised me that if I am doing extended exercise, I should probably have two shakes beforehand.  Man was he right!  I had two shakes before and felt really full, but I knew it was what I needed to do.  I had some water after I got done stretching out and didn't take my water bottle with me because they have several water stations along the way. 

Now, one thing you should know about me is that I am competitive.  I'm not competitive with other people per se, just this thing I do in my head.  It goes back to the days when I was working out in the gym years ago.  I would always challenge myself to see if I could keep up with the person on the treadmill, bike, elliptical or whatever machine next to me, to show them that I might be overweight, but I could keep up with them.  Yet, when I am exercising with other people, that competitiveness does not kick in at all.  Lo and behold, after about a quarter of a mile, when I picked up my pace to power-walk through the course, Kick-Ass Kathy took over.  I would target someone or a group of people walking ahead of me and I would tell myself, Okay, your next goal is to pass that person.  Sometimes it would be people not too far ahead, but as I was zooming past them, I would pick targets a lot farther away.  I was going so fast that my bad leg was starting to hurt.  I would tell myself I needed to slow down, and I would try, but it wouldn't last for very long.  What normally would take me about an hour and a half to finish, took me just one hour and ten minutes yesterday.  Below is a snapshot of the course from a great website I use to track how far I've gone, www.walkjogrun.net.  It tells how many calories were burned, too.  The person that did the course took almost 30 minutes longer than I did so the calories count will be different, but take a look at how much was burned at the bottom right corner:

When I finished exercising, the first thing I wanted was my water bottle in the car because the water stations they had around the course were removed.  That was a serious monkey wrench I was not prepared for - I got thirsty throughout the course with the sun really beating down on me.  I drank my 36 ounces right there in the parking lot.  If you'll notice in the picture above, the person who took longer than me burned almost 944 calories.  I checked the weight they entered and it was at about my same weight.  I did a quick calculation in my head and realized that I only take in about 500 calories a day on Optifast products.  No wonder the counselor told me to take an extra shake because otherwise I would start to feel weak.  He has advised me that when I need extra shakes, I must take them in.

What is it with me and this competitive spirit?  I have nothing to prove.  I have come a very long way in my journey and I am no longer the biggest girl in the room.  It's okay if I'm not the top scorer and I suppose it's my challenge to find that place that is a nice balance, especially if I end up hurting myself in the process.  I will do this course again in the future, though.  I love it so much.  There are always hundreds of people out there running, walking, rollerblading, biking, boating in the lake or even just having a picnic.  It makes me feel a big part of an active lifestyle, which I really enjoy, I'm finding out.  I just need to find some balance because I can't hurt myself every time I do it.

Value of Optifast medical pros

Optifast is a wonderful program, I cannot speak highly enough about it.  Yet, it can also be dangerous and unsuccessful if a person attempts to do this program on their own or make up their own rules as they go along.  Why am I saying this?  I was a member of two Optifast private groups on Facebook but made the decision this evening to no longer participate in those particular groups.  I will still be posting on the regular Optifast FB page, still chatting with others privately and, of course, posting on this blog.  Here's why I left those groups (may not be interesting to people who didn't participate):

Some of us have conditions that require medical staff to monitor us during this program.  I, for one, am so grateful I have had the medical team meeting with me every week when I go to the clinic because they have had to remove all the insulin and diabetic medications from my system, as well as other meds.  In addition, we had to add a little potassium and calcium to supplements I take every day while on the full-fast.  I am monitored on a regular basis to ensure my levels do not elevate to dangerous highs or lows.  And if I am having other medical concerns along the way, they are there to give educated advice.  For example, I have been dealing with pretty bad lightheadedness every time I stand from a sitting or lying position, so we're working on that. 

I know there are places online that sell the Optifast products directly to people wanting to buy them, but, according to my clinic, that's not legal.  Just because they're selling them and getting away with it doesn't make it right.  I don't know what conditions are in other countries, but in the U.S., it is not allowed.  Yes, the program is expensive and, yes, it takes a bit of waiting to get approved to get the go-ahead.  There's a reason behind all of that, which is to ensure we are healthy enough to do such a drastic program.  I had to jump through some major hoops before I could start the program, but I'm glad they were thorough in ensuring I would be doing something that was good for me.

When it comes to whether or not we should do the full-fast, partial fast or whatever we may be doing, there still are guidelines for each facet of the program to ensure we are in ketosis.  When a person is in a state of ketosis, they are burning fat and not muscle.  When food is eaten that knocks them out of ketosis (generally items that include carbs), they will always be hungry and find success in the program difficult.  I'm grateful that when it comes time for me to move from the full-fast to transitioning to food that my clinic has a specific plan to get me there.

So, anyway, I left those two groups because I just couldn't be a part of any group that dispenses medical advice or advice on what to eat/not to eat while trying to get down to goal weight (I rely on the clinic or my own doctor to do that) without being qualified to do so.  Since the groups are private, they are not being monitored.  I do have an "about Optifast" page on this blog, but it includes guidelines for doing the Optifast 70 program from my specific clinic so that people know what to expect if they are considering the program and I do caution on there that people should seek medical advice from appropriate professionals.  Having said all of this, I am certainly in no way leaving Optifast, just those particular groups.  And I am also not trying to put judgements on anyone.  I just need to protect myself and my sanity.  I found that I was getting more frustrated than anything else.  I will move on from here and solely focus on continuing with the weight loss and issues that come up along the way.  I am in a really good place with how things are going and I want to keep moving in a positive direction. 

The biggest epiphany of my life

A lot of people wonder how I am doing so well with the weight loss, why I haven't cheated on the seemingly impossible program that Optifast appears to be and where my glow is coming from.  Today, I had a gigantic, huge epiphany regarding all of that.  It is going to take me a little bit to get there as I weave my tale, so bear with me.

This morning the cutie patootie repairman for the garage door came out to the house.  When I greeted him, I was wearing a revealing little skirt that was showing off my legs, although I wasn't even thinking about that at the time.  It's one of those skirts that is short in the front, cuts to above my knees and then gradually gets longer towards the back.  As I have been losing more and more weight, I've been try to buy things that not only fit me, but look nice on me.  When I was in Vegas a couple of weeks ago, my brother made a comment to my mother that he was glad to see me wearing younger things and not like an older lady.  I guess when you get to a certain size, you (a) stop caring and (b) can't find anything in your size that is your age and have to settle for the horrible polyester cuts of the stereotypical overweight older lady.  Anyway, back to the repairman.  I showed him out to the garage, which is out back and not attached to the house.  As we were walking out, call me crazy but I thought he was flirting with me and I was pretty sure I saw him checking out my legs.  I'm 40 and he couldn't have been more than 25, so talk about boosting up your ego!  Without making you roll your eyes and giving you a play by play of the details, there was definite attraction there in all his interaction with me during the time he was at the house and I have to tell you it made me feel like a million bucks.  Yes, I flirted back, even though he was so much younger than me.  I strolled off to work after that, wondering what the heck that was all about.  It just made me feel pretty and a girl needs to feel pretty.

Then, at work, I found myself whistling and singing in my office.  I brought in some of my CD's and was playing them while I was working on cleaning up my office in preparation for a move next week.  There's some switching of offices going on with new people coming in, but I'm super excited about my move, so I'm completely okay with the relocation.  Co-workers have been asking me a lot of questions about the weight loss, especially about how I am feeling.  As I think more about it, the truth is that I feel wonderful overall.  There's a peace about me that I haven't had before.  My body can do things now I never imagined, let alone is doing.  Things like walking three miles everyday, wanting to get in exercise, crossing my legs at my desk, fitting behind a steering wheel with a million miles of room in between it and my tummy, no longer worrying about out-of-range blood sugar levels, having a low blood pressure reading every week, skin that is fresh and soft, no longer snoring when I'm sleeping ... I could just go on and on but I think you get it.  After I finished my workout earlier this evening, I took a shower and then curled up on the couch with one of my kitties and a book.  This book was just fun reading, not expected to be deep or searching in any sort of way in my mind, but it was the thing that gave me the aha moment that topped any other. 

It said, "If you grow up with a wholly negative self-image, thinking you're some kind of reject, an unlovable savage, you think you deserve to be beaten ... it's much easier to wear your pain on the outside." 

Then I realized, oh my gosh, my weight is my pain.  It is not about the love of food, it is about the pain I have felt all of my life inside manifested on the outside.  Can you imagine a child being loved, but also being beaten frequently enough to the point of physical bruising and scars that will never heal?  What does that do to a person inside, even when the physical pain that was suffered heals, if it is able to do so?  What it did to me was told me I was nothing, worthless, ugly, unwanted ... unloved.  Those things may or may not have been true, but how is a child supposed to know the difference?  As I have said before, I don't live in the past, but the feelings that those events from that time created were things I have never really let go of yet I did display that pain for the world to see without my ever realizing it.  Perhaps someone that met me didn't know I was abused or raped, but they knew something was wrong.  A woman does not get to be 417 pounds without something seriously being wrong inside, I don't care what sort of smile she puts on her face to cover it up. 

When I decided to embark on this journey of weight loss through Optifast, I had finally reached the point of being done covering it up ... smiling on the outside but being utterly in pain on the inside.  I rose up when God called my name and offered His hand to me to guide me through this process.  I was done making horrible decisions with men, like being with my ex-boyfriend even though he broke my heart before, or being stupid with other men because they showed interest in me.  Truly, he did me a huge favor when he shattered my heart to pieces this last time because it gave me the strength to tell him off finally.  And I was done with feeling physically deplorable, in a state of almost waiting for a heart attack to hit me.  No one can really understand the heartache that comes with living in such a large body unless you've been there yourself.  Getting diagnosed and surviving cancer was one thing, but to continue to hurt myself daily by not taking care of myself was beyond painful. 

The reason the weight is coming off in such a drastic manner, the reason why I am not struggling with wanting to cheat at every turn, the reason why this time it really is different is because I surrendered in a way I have never done before.  God has displayed to me over and over again how very precious I am to Him, not the beaten up, broken child who felt so lost inside.  Emerging is a confident, powerful, beautiful woman who is stripping herself of the fat that no longer serves her.  When I read that passage in the book earlier this evening, I cried because I realized, deep in a place full of hope, that the reason I have such peace in my process of losing this weight is because I truly don't need it any longer.  I can let go of those feelings of just not trusting and be my genuine self, whomever that might be.  I can appreciate when someone flirts with me, I can sing because I feel joy inside and I can know that forgiveness frees me. 

I have either really articulated my point or confused you to no end.  Regardless, I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now, by the loving grace of God.  And, when the time comes for me to go into maintenance, I don't have to fear that place any longer because, just as I am being guided now, I will not be alone when I face that new world either.  I pray that those that are struggling through this program, or any other life-changing process similar to this one for that matter, let go of the fight and just simply trust.  It will all be okay.  Better than okay ;-)

You've got to be kidding me

I started out today in a pretty good mood, just jumping out of bed, hopping in the shower and getting ready for work.  My garage is detached, so I pulled out the opener and started to wait for the door to pull all the way up before I drove off to the office.  It went up about an inch and then stopped.  Hmm, that was weird.  I hit the button again and it went down.  Hit it again and then ... nothing.  I could hear the opener working, but there was no movement.  And, as you probably have already guessed, my car was in there.  Well damn!

I went into the house and calmly called the home warranty company.  Thankfully, I made the smart decision to keep current on my home warranty after it expired the first year in the house.  It has saved me thousands of dollars and it covers the garage door opener.  This happened so early in the morning that the garage door company wasn't even open yet.  So I waited and I paced.  I just returned to work yesterday after summer break.  I am in the middle of an office move and have a lot going on before the kids return to the high school where I work, so I was antsy for someone to come out.  Turns out the soonest the company could get someone out to the house was tomorrow between 8am-12pm.  I tried getting a car rental, but the cheapest I could find one on short notice was $85/day.  Um, no thank you. So, I ended up being stuck at home.  The principal at work was so great about it, as I knew he likely would be.  It was just me feeling antsy.  Of course, there are a  million things I can do at home, but it was just that feeling of being caged that got to me.

I decided to change out of my clothes into something more comfy since I wasn't going anywhere and thought it would be a great time to try out the new resistance bands and fitness ball that I got yesterday.  I pulled out the ball and the pump and started putting that together first.  As I'm pumping it, manually mind you, I thought to myself, "There's no way this ball is going to sustain my weight."  But, I put it to the side after I was done and popped in the DVD that came with the kit.  On the TV appeared this very slender woman, maybe weighing 100 pounds soaking wet, and started showing a strength training workout using all of the bands and ball.  I'm looking at this video and thinking to myself that these people are out of their ever lovin minds if they think I'm going to be able to do half of what she was doing.  There were things like sitting on the ball while stretching out my opposite hand and foot with the band at the same time, laying on my back on the ball while doing sit-up motions (just not extending the whole way), sliding down the ball chest down and then pulling my torso off the ball and more. 

I almost laughed out loud as I grabbed the ball and sat on it.  Despite my protests, it more than sustained my weight.  Okay, so far, so good.  Then I slowly started copying what they were showing in the video.  Miraculously, I was able to keep up with the exercises.  In fact, I was able to do them all.  What seemed like the most ridiculous thing in the world not just five minutes before became something I could do.  I sort of smiled to myself as I rolled on top of that ball, seeing muscles in my legs and arms that even shocked me.  Baby, you're a firework!

Afterwards, I went out to the backyard and did a little gardening and then sat in the sun with a drink and a book.  Previously, I would have taken the opportunity dealing with the stress I had been feeling in the morning by eating.  I would have likely grazed all day on this piece of whatever or that bag of whatever.  Instead, I chose to do the healthy things I did.  The change in my life has become habitual, where I am finding new outlets and different ways to deal with things.  I must admit, not having regret over overeating is a great feeling.  That's no way to live and that's exactly what I did before, all the time.

Sometimes I just don't have a clue

I went back to work today after having seven glorious weeks of a summer break.  I guess it all has to end at some point and I have to start earning some money to pay bills.  Everyone at work was so sweet, just fawning over me for the weight loss.  Not everyone is back at the office, that happens gradually over this month, but those that were there were genuinely happy for me.  I really have not stopped to think how huge a thing the weight loss is.  I have just been plugging away, racking up the pounds, not really trying to fathom what I have done so far.  I could have never imagined that my reality would be so incredible when I first started this journey.  I think perhaps it's a good thing that I don't think about it because I could overthink it too much.  I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other. 

During my lunch break today, I went shopping.  I wanted to pick up some resistance bands for the times when I am doing strength training at home.  I spotted the bands in the store and was just about to head out when I noticed a toning kit that had not only bands but a fitness ball, too.  I know those are great when working on strengthening your core.  That is something I really wanted to get, but I was absolutely sure I was too heavy to sit on the ball.  Still, I picked up the box, looked at the weight capacity and it said 300 lbs.  I started to put it down, disappointed that I wouldn't be able to use it, then I remembered, Wait a minute, I'm under 300 pounds now.  Not only that, I'm way under it.  My head is having a hard time wrapping itself around my life today.  I'm no longer the same person who started this journey.  I work hard for every pound that is gone from my body and I need to work on accepting that I am now living a different reality.  The current place I am in will not always be my story either.  I ended up buying the kit and proudly taking it home. 

After work today, I came home, did a few things around the house and then prepared myself for the thing I have been thinking about all day long ...exercising.  I didn't dream about food, as some people do when participating in Optifast.  I was thinking about how much I was looking forward to doing my three miles.  Gosh, talk about a major shift in my life!