Monday, June 17, 2013

Yes, I followed through

I started my summer classes today.  I'm taking a third level Spanish class and an intro Comm class.  The Comm classes feels so silly to me - it's a requirement for my undergrad major but I've taken junior and senior level Comm classes, yet I'm being forced to take this intro class.  Whatever, though - I know I can do it.  The Spanish class had me freaking out a little bit because I felt totally unprepared.  I haven't had Spanish in 3 years and I just had this vision of Profe kicking me out of the class because I couldn't speak a lick of Spanish.  Of course that didn't happen, I can speak Spanish and it was perfectly fine.  Actually, both the classes will be manageable but there is so much busy work.  I'm taking them at two different community colleges and I definitely notice the difference between them and university courses that I just finished.  I know I can handle it though, especially since I'm not working while doing the classes.

Afterwards, I went to my doctor's appointment.  No, I didn't cancel like I wanted to so many times yesterday and even this morning.  I had to wait a long time to see her, longer than usual, so it helped me have the time I needed to pull myself together.  I just felt super emotional.  I felt like she was going to judge me for having gained weight and tell me to exercise harder.  I don't know why I have her associated with a drill sergeant in my head.  She's never been like that with me.  I think it's more my stuff and not hers.  She did notice the weight gain and we talked about it and other issues I've been having.  She looked at me and just said, "You have had a lot going on in the last six months, haven't you?"  I swear, at that moment, the tears started to well in my eyes.  Yes, I've had a ton going on medically and I'm just doing my best to hold it together.  We talked about the pain in my legs, intestinal stuff and the appointment with the surgeon that I have on Thursday.  She actually spent a lot of time with me and we made a plan for me to get my blood sugar back down.  It's been climbing in the last few months, no matter how perfect my food has been.  That's what happens at a higher weight.  She reminded me that there was a time that I needed no medication so we want to work to make that a goal.  It was a really good visit and I'm glad I went.

Sometimes the reality of a situation is completely different than what I have built up in my mind.  I'm sure the five people reading this can relate.  Okay, I know more than 5 people read my blog but it helps me to stay my authentic self instead of worrying about being perfect when I really know hundreds read this space every day.  Perfectionism is such a dangerous thing for me to live in.  I notice that so much these days, especially when I compare myself when I was on Optifast versus where I am now.  It's really apples and oranges and I do myself a huge disservice by doing the comparison thing.  I know that I'm not going to be able to lose 80 pounds during the summer.  Perhaps that might have been a reality on Optifast (perhaps not), but I'm not on that program any longer.  I'm right here, right now - flawed, totally imperfect and still a good and decent person.  I need to always remember that it's one step at a time, one day at a time.  My body will get healthier and smaller one pound at a time, not ten pounds at a time.  My doctor did give me a really big compliment today.  While we did talk about weight gain, she commended me on the fact that I have been able to keep so much of the weight off, that I didn't gain it all back.  She said she sees so many patients that go on Optifast and then promptly gain it all back and I haven't done that.  Miss Sara reminded me of that, too, when I walked with her yesterday (thanks for that!).  I'm still clawing.  I hope you are, too.


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