Sunday, February 17, 2013

Yuck, I'm annoyed

My day didn't start out well and so here I am writing because at the end of it, I'm annoyed.  I have all next week off of work, so when I'm in vacation mode, I pay no attention to what times I go to bed or get up except when I have something going on.  Last night I went to bed at 1:30, but I had plans to walk with Sara around our usual lake on Sunday mornings, so I wanted to be sure to be rested.  It's hard being dead tired and walking at the same time.

At about 3:30 a.m., I woke up from a deep sleep and realized I had been dreaming.  This is significant for me because I usually don't get really good rest enough to actually dream.  Yet, there I was, scratching my head and wondering why I was dreaming about drugs.  I know ... weird.  Don't ask me why.  The reason that I woke up, though, was because I was sweating, my heart was beating fast and I was very shaky.  I turned on the fan in my bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed in front of it.  I ran my fingers through my hair, which was damp, and then I realized Oh no, my blood sugar must be low.  I haven't experienced an episode like that in a long time.  Lo and behold, my meter did confirm I was too low.  Dang it.  Unfortunately, it has happened enough in the last couple of months that I knew exactly what to do and found the bottle of grape glucose tablets to eat.  Yuck, that sugary feeling in my mouth.  Double yuck.  Maybe that is why I was dreaming about drugs.  I couldn't settle down my racing chest nor could I close my eyes to get more sleep, so I texted Sara around 7 a.m. and asked if we could go walking around noon.  God bless her for being so flexible.  As we were walking around the lake, I really was in a lot of pain.  My legs felt like they were on fire, so I was really happy that we weren't rushing.  Sara did remind me that a lot of people have pain and that I'm not unique.  I completely understand that, but I would like some relief from the pain that is with me all the time.  I mean, I'm trying to do something healthy like walking and I can't do it without pain.  I could understand it more if I knew why I'm having the pain, but this is the chronic pain my rheumatologist told me I have that really does not have a cure.  It may go away, it may not.  We did three miles and I was glad that at least I'd get some activity points from my ActiveLink since walking that distance is definitely above my baseline level of activity for the monitor.

Later on, I talked to my mom.  We were talking about my brother.  She sent him $400 about a week ago because he and his wife have been struggling financially.  He is an electrician and the current economic bust really hit his industry out in Vegas.  My mother was so concerned about him more than usual because he commented to her that the money she gave him would allow him to get his medication.  He underwent a heart transplant seven years ago, so for him to say something like that is, of course, very unsettling.  If he doesn't have the anti-rejection meds in his body, it could be life or death for him.  I then texted him and asked if he needed more money and he said thanks but no thanks, that they were fine now.  So as my mom and I were talking about that, which is something that I brought up, she said to me on the phone, "Now I could use the help."  I knew what that meant ... she wanted to borrow money from me.  Just to have a good picture of the dynamics, my mother is always trying to borrow money.  She has a gambling problem, so I generally do not give her money.  If she's in a jam, I'll pay for the thing she needs like paying her cell phone bill for the month so that she doesn't have it cut off, that sort of thing.  Our roles are most definitely reversed with me being more the responsible adult than she is.  Don't get me wrong, I do love her, even after everything we've been through, but the issue of money is very sensitive to me.  Yet, I will help her if I can, but never by giving her money.  So today, the reason she needs help is the car I gave her two years ago (when I bought my Element) occasionally needs things repaired.  It was already 12 years old when I gave it to her, but Accords last forever if you take care of them.  I told her to take it to my mechanics because I've been going to their shop since I was 17.  They specialize in Hondas and are honest.  Besides, they took care of that car when I owned it.  I've also warned her that she was going to have some money saved up just in case the car needs repairing, as cars frequently do after they've been around for a while..  It was paid off for several years by the time I gave it to her, but being that old is almost a guarantee that it would need things repaired from time to time.  She was told by some other mechanic that she doesn't even know that she's going to need some work and it's going to cost $500.  She believes this guy and I basically told her that he may be right about whatever she needs done, but I can all but guarantee that he may not be honest with her about the true cost of the repairs.  So my condition to my helping her is that we go together to my mechanics and have it checked out there.  She's been so stubborn about going to them, instead opting for people she doesn't know to fix it because they "look honest".  So was Eddie Haskell!  We're going on Tuesday morning and I'll get my oil changed while I'm there.  I was annoyed because this came up with my brother refusing my money, so that's the moment I felt pounced on.  Like I said before, my mother will not know that there is any sort of settlement surrounding the worker's comp injuries.  There's no way I'm about to share that.  No matter what the amount is, that money will never reverse the injuries in my body that are a result of work - they are permanent - so I'm not about to have it thrown around.  Just the thought of that annoyed me.

Then the final annoyance was when I took off my ActiveLink and plugged it into my laptop to see how many activity points I earned.  Walking those three miles was painful today, so at least give me a few activity points for that, please.  I don't really use them to eat more food, even though I'm allowed to do that through Weight Watchers, but I like to see how active I am when I'm really trying.  And how many did I earn?  0.  That's right, nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  Zip.  Oh man was I annoyed by that.  Then I wondered if maybe it was because the intensity level wasn't there.  Maybe my baseline of activity shows me as more active generally and I have to work above that level.  So then I wondered, Okay, if I walked three miles today and didn't earn any activity points, then am I supposed to walk six?  Am I supposed to jog?  Should I kill it when I'm at the gym tomorrow?

So there you have it ... I was annoyed today.  And, okay, truth be told, I'm still annoyed.  I can tell because I can feel my fingers angrily typing the keyboard on this laptop as I'm writing this message.  I don't want any of this to send me in a tailspin of emotions.  The pain in my body is something I'm going to have to learn to live with and understand I have limitations.  I have to work at accepting my mother at the place where she is right now and love her.  And I definitely don't need to kill myself with exercise.  If I can do more, I will, but if I'm already in pain and worried about maintaining a certain level of intense activity, it's going to set me up to wanting to eat something to make myself feel better.  Excuse me, but I'm not about to go there, not today.  I'm heading in the right direction, down, and I want to keep going.  I am going to commit to whoever is reading this that I am going to let the annoyances I felt today go for the rest of the evening, perhaps go to bed at a decent hour to get a good night of sleep and just trust that God is walking next to me as I continue to move forward.  Breathe, Kathy, just breathe.


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