Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Absolutely exhausted

Have you ever had those times where you felt like you couldn't keep your eyes open one more second?  That was me today, quite a few times.  I just haven't been sleeping well, even with the aid of medication.  I was driving to my class this afternoon and I could barely keep my eyes open on the freeway.  I had to lower my window to put fresh air in my face.  As I sat in class and took notes while the professor lectured, I had to fight my droopy eyes.  I shouldn't feel like this.  It's not healthy to be this tired, but I am.

I know that I have a lot on my mind and a lot I'm going through right now.  Tomorrow is my first appointment with the therapist.  I'm looking forward to it, while also feeling overwhelmed at the same time.  I know all of this is positive action in me moving forward, but sometimes it does feel safer in a weird way to stay right where I am in the moment.  That doesn't mean that it's something I want to do, it's just more comfortable.

This whole process of getting healthier, of losing weight and making good, positive changes must be taken in baby steps for me.  Maybe other people can do it in leaps and bounds but I've been overweight my entire life with some very big mountains I've had to climb.  Sometimes I would be envious of friends who never had any difficulties in their family life or never had to overcome anything.  Yet I know these things do make me stronger and have shaped the person I am today.  I just pray that as I see this therapist that I go in there with every ounce of strength I have to face the things that have been overwhelming for me and that I find the courage to talk about them.  Most importantly, even when it becomes difficult, as I'm certain it will be, that I continue forging ahead.  Maybe these things will help me eventually find sleep again, relieve me of the pain I've been having all over my body and help me to continue letting go of the weight.  I want so desperately to find relief over the frustration and sadness (if that's the right word) I have been feeling.  I'm not naive enough to think that everything will be solved in one session with the therapist, but heading down the road is a good start.


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