Visit with the doctor

I had an appointment with my primary care doctor today.  It went pretty well.  She greeted me with, "Well, who's this skinny girl I see?" I just love her!  She has seen me at my absolute worst, so I am definitely different in comparison.  I had a lot to talk to her about, so I'm extremely grateful that she's not one of those doctors that rushes you out the door.  The bulk of our conversation surrounded my low blood sugar.  We were both reflecting how it was with me just a year ago ... I couldn't control my blood sugar no matter what we did and it was always high.  So it was quite a switch for us to be talking about my numbers being way too low.  She has referred me to a dietician so that we can develop a personalized food plan that will work for me given the history with Optifast and diabetes.  I was really relieved and am looking forward to going.  I was reminded from my doctor the place that I have been and that I have to be kinder towards myself instead of thinking I'm just not doing good enough with my weight loss.  I did tell her that I was going to continue going to the support classes offered through the clinic even though I'm no longer on product and she told me that, in her experience, patients that are the most successful with the long-term weight loss are the ones that continued on with the classes.  We also discussed the pain I've been having in my legs.  She looked at the notes from the rheumatologist and it turns out I don't have fibromyalgia after all.  He suspected that I did even though the paperwork said I had it, but the pain is not coursing through my body, just concentrated below my hips.  She did a physical exam to confirm it.  That was a relief.  She did put me back on some medication to help with the pain and, at this point, I'm willing to do whatever I need to do to feel better.  Oh, one more thing to add to my list of stuff ... we discovered I'm lactose intolerant.  I suspected it, discussed it with my doctor today and she confirmed that I am.  Okay, God, seriously???

Friends and readers, I'm really committed to moving forward in a positive direction.  I don't want to be just another sad statistic.  There's too much fight in me to do that.  There's been a shift in my life and I know with everything in me that it's just no longer okay to live as that obese person.  It doesn't feel like who I am on the inside.  I crave taking good care of my body as well as my heart and soul.  So I'm fighting and I'm clawing to do better and be better.  The weight gain over the last few months has really bummed me out.  I am a lot heavier than my lowest weight and I somehow need to pull the reins in to get it together.  I know that this isn't all my fault, although I do accept responsibility.  If medication was adding weight, it was my responsibility to say something to doctors sooner.  If my blood sugar was too low and I had to have sugar to normalize it, it was my responsibility to get medical advice sooner (I really should have gone to urgent care with a blood sugar of 38).  And, most importantly, if I was frustrated and having a hard time dealing with the emotions that have come along with all of this and losing weight, it was my responsibility to ask for help from friends and my vast support system sooner.  But I didn't ... I tried to be tough, to soldier on as if I had it all together.  It's completely okay to say that I need help.  I don't have to be a control freak here because all it does is makes it easier to gain weight. 

I am saying all of this not to place all kinds of blame on myself, but just to own where I stand with things.  It's not okay to hurt myself with food and that's what I do when I don't say anything.  It starts off innocently enough and then turns into a full-blown problem.  So, anyway, here I am, gently putting one foot in front of the other, trying my best not to beat myself up over things I can't go back and change.  I just want to move forward with the knowledge that there is so much more good stuff ahead of me.  I've had a really exciting journey so far with such a significant weight loss as well as a great improvement on my diabetes, blood pressure, cholesterol and overall health.  I feel like I'm well on my way to better and better days ahead.