Change doesn't have to be painful

I have to return to work tomorrow after a two week vacation.  I'm so blessed to work in a job that I not only enjoy doing but affords me the ability to have so much paid vacation.  I spent a lot of time with family and friends, so I definitely was grateful for the time.  However, it was an immensely challenging time with having to deal with dangerously low blood sugar readings that often times left me wondering if I would make it through the night without passing out.  It's so scary having such a dangerous medical condition and being all alone to deal with it.  That also created some very difficult and sad feelings within me about being alone, but there was nothing I could do in the moment except to deal with what was right in front of me.  I could feel sorry for myself later if I really wanted to, but first I had to make sure I was taking care of myself enough to have safe blood sugar levels.  While my dad was here, he did find some glucose tablets they sell at Costco that are very low in calories that I now carry in my purse so that I will never again be in a situation where I'm fearing for my life because of low blood sugar.

As for today, I had a really good day.  In the morning, I went for a walk with the lovely Sara in the crisp air with rain surrounding us.  Towards the end, the raindrops were starting to come down so we were both glad we finished in time.  I always love exercising with her ... the time seems to fly by and we talk about everything.  Before we knew it, we walked almost four miles.  Amazing how that happens!  She really "gets" the internal battle I go through in dealing with the weight loss issues and I get her stuff, too.  No matter what challenges I have gone through (and will continue to go through) with this journey of getting healthier, the best thing I can do is to keep staying the course and continue walking forward, as well as being honest with those around me.  Sometimes walking through the emotions is the toughest thing to do, even though I know it's not.  I've been through a lot tougher stuff in my life, trust me when I say that.  Those that really know me know that is the God's honest truth.  Yet, in the moment, the weight loss and issues that come along with it feels terribly difficult yet exhilarating.  Sometimes I'll look in the mirror and not recognize myself staring back, at other times I see no difference at all.  It's such a hard thing to explain.  I'm an emotional eater, always have been.  Whether it's happiness, sadness, being bored - no matter what, food has been my "drug" of choice.  I could care less about abusing alcohol or real drugs ... get me in front of a carton of ice cream or some other dessert and I'm just as gone as any other addict. 

Yesterday in church, our pastor started a seven-week series on strengthening our relationship with God and rediscovering the love He has for each one of His children.  With the sermons is a dedicated study of the verses he's preaching on, how they apply in our lives and going deeper into the meaning.  I committed to myself that I would participate in the study because I know that as strong as I might be, God is stronger and will help me through challenges I face if I just let Him.  When I was doing some writing tonight in my journal about that, I really got the message loud and clear that God will never leave me as I walk through this battle towards a healthier life.  If I find myself in tears, which I often was in when my blood sugar went so low and I couldn't find answers, my tears will always be wiped away and new hope will continue to rise in me as I get stronger and stronger each day.  Many of us face challenges when it comes to losing weight, keeping it off and dealing with the new person underneath.

Let's face it - there will be change.  There has to be change if we don't plan on reverting back to the old us.  For me, that means doing things differently.  That means doing things I may not have been willing to do before.  That means getting out the way and just jumping in one hundred percent of the way.  Today that meant walking almost four miles, that meant weighing and measuring my food, that meant journaling and going to a deep emotional level that I often times try to avoid for fear of feeling pain.  And that most certainly means being open to non-traditional approaches to things in life that may feel uncomfortable for me but that ultimately serve me well.  As a result, here I sit in front of my laptop with a tummy that does not hurt from excess food, a normal blood sugar level after much heavy-duty monitoring and hope in my heart that springs eternal.