Don't mean to complain, but ... seriously??

You know that saying, "When it rains, it pours?"  Well, I learned this week that that is the biggest friggin understatement ever.

As a follow up to my whole anemia vs. what's really wrong with me saga, I was able to get an appointment with a neurologist for Monday.  I already had meetings scheduled at work, but lovely friends/co-workers stepped in to cover for me so that I could keep the appointment (I just work with the best people ever.  Hands down.)  At the appointment, I am hoping there will be some answers.  I also need to face the very real possibility that it may be time to transition from a modified program on Optifast to getting back on food to lose the rest of the weight before going on maintenance.  That's only if they can't find out what's going on, but it's something I have to give serious consideration.  I'm not ready for that, at least not in my heart.  Yet, I wasn't ready to go on the modified fast either.  Ultimately, my health is the most important component of this and with incredible lightheadedness and weakness in my legs every single day, it's something that may be the common denominator in all of this.  Everybody reacts differently to taking products into their body and mine may just have had enough of it after eight months.  However, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Later that afternoon, I have to see my worker's comp doctor so he can look at the progress in my arms.  I'm still in major pain there and it hasn't gotten better since I saw him last month.

Then, later that evening, I have my Optifast class where I'll be stopping by the medical office before the meeting starts and review the findings of my appointment with the neurologist.  It may be at that time that I make some difficult decisions on whether to stay on the modified fast or do something different with the Optifast products.

Meanwhile, in about the last week or so, I have had horrible spots appear on my body that are very itchy.  I mean itchy!  Have you ever had a cast before and found yourself desperate to scratch the inside that you grabbed a wire hanger to stick down in there and go to town?  No?  Just me??  Well, memories of the summer I broke my arm during sixth grade came flooding back as I have been dealing with these spots that are overwhelmingly begging me to scratch them with every fiber of my being.  Come on Kathy, you know you want to scratch right there.  Right.  There.  Here's what my legs look like, just to give you a visual reference.

The pics don't even do justice.  My ankles are swollen and these spots are all over my legs with some now on my tummy, arms and back.  These are the prettier spots ... some are very splotchy and just kind of yucky to post on the blog.  They itch like mad so I decided to go in and see a doctor today to get some sort of relief.  [As a side note, when they were taking my vitals, the nurse was able to use a regular-sized blood pressure cuff on my upper arm for the first time in my life - up to now they've always had to use the thigh cuff to measure my blood pressure there.  That was a huge victory.]  The doc took pictures for dermatology but told me that essentially she thinks it's a bad rash since she was able to rule out other causes.  We couldn't pinpoint what it could be ... I have cats but they're indoor cats and don't have fleas, I haven't done any activity out of the ordinary lately, haven't eaten anything weird, nothing like that.  The doc told me that I wouldn't hear from her unless dermatology had concerns and wanted to see me and to just take some prescription-level ointment and Claritin.  The last time I had pics taken for dermatology was when the odd-shaped mole on my back led to a concern from the dermatology department and, after performing a biopsy, it turned out to be a form of deadly cancer, melanoma.  So, I was hoping I didn't hear a peep back from dermatology today.

I heard back from them.  

They want to see me after getting the pics and written report from the doc.  So I get to do that on Tuesday.  Meanwhile, the cream is not alleviating that feeling of wanting to scratch my skin, so I'm going mad over here right now.  Also on Tuesday, I meet with my physical medicine doctor to see how the progress is going on the back pain I'm trying to deal with.

Speaking of that, I had the second appointment with my acupuncturist today.  I practically cried during the portion of our visit where we talk first before she works on my body. We talked about body image and why in the hell I am hanging onto clothes that no longer fit me.  They are in boxes, ready to be donated to charity, but I haven't made the call yet.  In those boxes are a shitload of clothes that are from 1-9 sizes too big (I can't explain why I'm cussing so much tonight, but sometimes polite words just don't do it!).  I was wearing pants to our session today that are four sizes too big, held up by a belt that is also way too big on me.  I told her everything that is going on and the stress I'm feeling.  It just feels like my poor body is falling apart.  I know it's not and that it needs time to adjust to the drastic and sudden changes, but it feels a bit overwhelming.  Couple all of that with a stressful job that I happen to love, trying to go to school at night, not getting more than 3-4 hours of sleep at night, being in pain every moment of the day and just being pulled in so many different directions ... well it's no wonder that I just need to chill out as much as possible!!  I totally fell asleep on the table during acupuncture with numerous needles sticking out of me.  You can't even begin to imagine how soothing it is.  No, seriously, it's an incredibly calming feeling, especially with soft music playing in the background and the lights turned down low. 

Even with all the worries, fear and stress I'm feeling right now, I need to stay in the positives:

• I get to get some extra sleep this weekend
• I get to spend some time getting some extended physical activity in that I desperately crave
• I get to spend some girl time with a friend on Saturday that I haven't seen in a few weeks
• My health is so much improved ... no more high cholesterol, high blood pressure or high blood sugar.  In fact, those things are normal now.  The nurse practitioner at the Kaiser clinic referred to me as a "patient who used to have diabetes" when she was describing my situation to a colleague.  What do you mean used to have?

At the end of the day, my worst day in a thinner, healthier body is so much better than my best day in a 417-pound body.   This is a time of challenge for me, but I am rising to that challenge and feeling so much stronger as a result.