Having a little perspective

We all start our weight loss journeys in different spaces.  For me, I weighed in at 417 pounds at my first Optifast class on February 6th of this year, even though my top weight was 420 pounds.  When they asked me to set a goal weight, that was a completely foreign concept to me.  Do you mean I might actually hit an ideal weight someday?  I couldn't wrap my brain around that, so it was incredibly difficult for me to finally say, "Yes, this is my goal weight."  After some negotiation, the clinic and I settled on a goal of 160 pounds for me.  Again, it still felt foreign to me but at least it was something to shoot towards.  As of last Monday, I weighed in at 230 pounds.

Now, for some people, my current weight would have been completely unacceptable for them.  I've seen postings where people have been disgusted with themselves at or near this weight.  They have labeled themselves as a "fat cow" or described the inability to breathe normally because of all their excess weight.  I know they are describing themselves and how they felt at the time, but I would be less than honest if I said I wasn't affected by comments like that.  Again, this is about me and not about them.  It is still hard to live comfortably in a world where you are judged by your weight.  If people are judging me at 230 pounds, just imagine what things were like for me when I weighed over 400 pounds.  People can be utterly cruel, determining your worth as a human being just by looking at you.  Is it no wonder that the food was easier to invite into my life than close relationships with people who could ultimately hurt me more than I thought Twinkies could?

If you are anything like me, food was more than just food.  It was never so simple as making a decision to push away from the table or just to say no to that piece of cake.  Some people will never understand that concept, even if they do understand things like alcoholism or other types of addictions.  For me, I am glad that healing has happened and continues to happen in my own life.  I think a lot of you are with me on that front, aren't you?  Starting this blog back in January was initially just for me.  If other people happened upon it, that was great but I used it primarily as a place for me to journal.  It has now become a labor of love for me to connect with my spirit, to grow in healing and to move forward to a healthier life.  After over 15,000 visitors, I know I'm not alone in this and I am completely humbled by that.

Today as I was outdoors walking to get some exercise in, I was overwhelmed with how great it made me feel.  No, it didn't take away aches and pains as I still deal with all of that on a daily basis.  Somehow, I am able to push through and focus on taking good care of myself as much as I can.  I am constantly reminded of something very important:

I am not saying that I think I am beautiful in the egotistical sense.  What I mean is that I am constantly reminding myself of the fact that I am beautiful because I don't give up, I don't succumb to the voice that sometimes tells me I'm not good enough.  I face fears I have, I am standing up with courage I didn't think I possessed, I am willing to do the best I can to fight for myself and for my life.  Most importantly, God reminds me that I am beautiful.  Perhaps it's in the way someone else looks at me and smiles, maybe it's how another might tell me that I inspire them or it's even in that small voice inside of me that says, "Kathy, get over yourself, you are beautiful."  I can begin loving myself as I love other people.  That's not easy as I can find a lot not to love, at least that part of me that is fighting to stay in the cocoon of obesity where things just feel a lot safer (even though they're not).

I'm grateful for the place I find myself in today.  I'm not at goal weight yet, but I feel like a different person than I did before even if I don't always see it.  And I really believe in my heart that I will find myself at a normal body weight someday not too far away.  Compared to where I was, I'm on the border of it now.  You are beautiful, Kathy.  So are you, dear reader.  So are you.