Scale vs. non-scale victories

For some reason, I woke up really early this morning.  I was still tired, but something made me get up.  I got on the scale to see how I was doing in the weight department.  If you'll recall, just two days ago, I weighed in at 368 when I did the bariatric surgery orientation.  This morning the scale said I was 361.2.  WTF?  In fact, almost five of those pounds were from yesterday alone.  I was thinking about what I did yesterday and what I had to eat.  There's no rational reason why I should have lost five pounds overnight.  I brought home a gift a student gave me, which were chocolates with macadamia nuts in the middle of each one.  And, yes, I did partake in them.  I actually convinced myself that maybe I was dreaming.  I eventually ended up going back to bed, weighed myself again when I woke up and the scale was even lower by a pound.  That's frustrating!  I always try to convince myself that the scale isn't accurate.  It actually is off by one pound, registering on the heavier side.  So I deduct that pound every time I weigh.  It's a relatively new scale and doctor's scales have confirmed that accuracy.

There is a lot of debate about how often people should weigh on the scale.  Some people say to do it once a day, once a week, even once a month.  The number can send some people off in a tailspin.  When I was doing Jenny Craig, they recommended weighing every day.  Their rationalization was, even though there would be daily fluctuations, it does tell you what direction you are headed in.  I have a friend that had the gastric bypass 12 years ago and she weighs every day.  For her, it lets her know if she's within her acceptable range or if she's crossed that magic number that says there's danger ahead.  When I've participated in my many diet attempts over the years, the majority recommended weighing in weekly.  I guess the reality is you do what works for you without making you obsessed about the number.  If I really search my soul for what works for me, I really believe weighing daily is what keeps me the most honest.  When I don't do that, I sometimes don't catch major weight gains until past the double-digit phase.  I am well aware that, as human beings and especially a female human being, there will be ups and downs. If I'm avoiding getting on the scale for fear of what it may say, that's me being dishonest.  I guess you have to do what

works for you.  Regardless, I'm glad it's going in the downward direction.

I also think it's very important to remember the non-scale victories as well.  The number on the scale is one thing, but it's not the only thing that tells me I'm going in the right direction.  I think of that the same I way I do as an holistic review of a college application.  I work in the counseling department of a high school and we often talk to the kids about how a good majority of colleges use a holistic review process to grant admission.  This means they look at the whole person, not just their GPA and test scores.  It's one thing to judge a person using just the numbers.  It's another thing to recognize the other facets that make them who they are.  In the same way, I am not just about the number on the scale.  I always need to remember that it's only a part of my process.  My self-worth does not come from that number.  Any time I start thinking that way, I need to catch myself, remind myself of all the good things about me and remember that I am a work in progress.  I want to be healthier and so that's what stepping on the scale is all about ... a tool in the process on the road to health.

Moving away from the scale

When I was on Optifast and dropping so much weight very quickly, I posted on here how much I was losing (or gaining) each and every weigh-in.  For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, you'll notice that my page with all of my scale stats is gone.  I still have it, but it's in a hidden folder right now because I realized that I was giving that scale too much power.  It was awesome to jump on that thing when I was losing so much weight.  It told me I was feeling good because who can fight that feeling when things are going well?  I remember the first week I was on Optifast products ... I lost 19 pounds that week.  I know that it was a lot of water weight, but 19 pounds?  For a woman??  Mondays was my weigh-in date at the clinic and I posted that evening so people could see how much I had lost.  People even told me they would wait to see my post before going to bed.  It really was a great time of celebration for me.  Then, when the physical pain I've been going through really took a turn for the worst and I had to be put on medication and had to make a change with my eating plan, it was a horrible experience getting on the scale.  I remember one time when I gained 30 pounds in one week.  I know many of you remember that, too.  All of a sudden, that scale became the most awful thing because it produced feelings in me that no one deserves to feel about themselves.  It didn't matter that the bulk of that weight came on when I was put on steroids.  All I could think in my head is Kathy, you have failed.  So I had to make a change.

After starting WW, I decided that I wasn't going to step on my scale at home as much.  I still have it, but it's in the cabinet under the sink in the bathroom.  I can pull it out when I want, but it's not sitting out as it was before.  And if anything is going on, I don't automatically jump on it for validation, one way or the other.  I quickly realized through the course of my triumphs and difficulties that I need to celebrate non-scale accomplishments more.  That's not to say I'm not going to weigh because, let's face it, it is a tool to tell me if I'm at least headed in the right direction.  But right now, and this is just for me, I cannot put too much focus on a few pounds difference.  That will trigger me to overeat.  When I weigh in at the WW meeting, if it's going down, that's the right direction for me.  My weight loss is not going to be anywhere near as fast as it was on Optifast.  Now it's a steady 1-2 pounds per week.  Here are some tips I have learned to help me with dealing with the scale numbers:

• (For those of you on WW) Don't look at your weigh-in results until after you've left the meeting because you can then be present for what's going on around you instead of focusing on the numbers.
• You have no business comparing yourself against other people.  I have been so guilty of that and it's not fair to me, nor to the other person.  I appreciate that my friends are doing so well and don't want to take any of that happiness away from them.
• Avoid weight-loss goals in terms of time, something like, "I'm going to be a size 12 by the summer."  
• Make sure that you are also looking at inches lost, as that is a very good tool to accurately reflect where you're at.
• The absolute most important reminder for me:  ask yourself what the scale is doing to you.  If I am weighing myself on a daily basis, is it making me crazy or is it helping me stay on track?  Be honest about this!  If it is making you crazy, like it was for me, do something to curb that.  For me it was putting my scale away out of my sight that made me feel relaxed.  

I will continue posting my weight on here, but periodically and not like clockwork before.  I have seen, after everything I've been through, that I have to be very gentle and kind towards myself in regards to that.   Having gained some of my weight back (although not most of it, thank you God) has been very difficult for me.  It has left me in tears more than I have admitted to anyone because I put so much work and sacrifice into taking off the weight to see it coming on again has been like a knife through my heart.  This has been really the most painful time for me, not just physically, which is significant, but emotionally as well.  The weight gain started with the addition of the medications that have side effects of weight gain, getting off of the Optifast products and the frustration I have been feeling with all of the chronic pain I've been going through.  That, in turn, has added more weight to my body.  As a result, I would eat more or inappropriate food to deal with the frustration and it has put me in a cycle that has left me with more and more weight on.

Thankfully now I'm on the downward trend, but I have to work very hard at fighting the urge to pick up the food.  It has been a real fight every freakin day.  It's not a fight I have all day long, but pretty much in the afternoon/evening is when I have the hardest time.  Sometimes it's a battle I win, sometimes not.  Thankfully I have my first appointment with the therapist on Thursday.  I have been trying to stay as positive as I can, but I do have my moments where the frustration gets the better of me.  I suspect that I'm going through a depression of sorts right now.  I've never been depressed before, but then again, I've never had to deal with something like this before where the physical pain has not gotten better.  When I had cancer, it was very painful going through surgery and recovery, but it eventually got better.  This has gotten worse.  Even at my heaviest weight, I never hurt near as much physically as I do now.   In fact, I found myself on webmd earlier today looking at symptoms of depression.  Obviously I'm not going to diagnose myself, but it may explain a lot.  I remember when I first made the appointment and how uncertain I was that seeing a therapist was something I wanted to do.  Now I'm certain it was the right move for me and I look forward to it.  It's pretty amazing how things work out that way, isn't it?  For me it's about facing fears and, when I do, the fear isn't anywhere near as huge as I had made it out to be.  That doesn't mean I'm not incredibly nervous about seeing the therapist because I know that things are going to come out during my appointments that I've kept locked inside of me for a long time.  That scares me, but I also realize that just because you close the door and throw away the key on something doesn't mean it's no longer on the other side of that door.  At some point, the door is going to have to be opened again if I want a fighting chance of moving forward.

Geez, puns aside, this was a heavy post today. Yet, I know that it's okay.  This is what I'm going through right now and I can all but guarantee that someone else out there is going through similar things as well.  So many people have commented to me that I have inspired them in the last year as I have lost weight and by not giving up as I've encountered challenges.  If anything,  now I hope the inspiration can be about standing up and fighting for your life, no matter what obstacles you may be facing.  Sometimes mine feel overwhelming, then I'll meet someone that is worse off than I am.  That's not to say that I am discounting my struggle, but it gives me the courage to stay and fight.  I've always been stubborn ... maybe now that's an asset instead of a defect. 

Before I close, I just want to say thank you to all of you for the support you've given me.  I have changed my blogroll list around a bit to incorporate Optifast blogs with all the others I read, but I appreciate you whether you have been on Optifast, WW, some other weight loss program or are here just to support me in general.  Sometimes when I post something on this blog, I'll hover my mouse over the publish button before I post it.  It's because I share extremely personal things on here and I wonder if I'm going to cross the line if I actually post the things I write about.  Then I remember the original purpose of this blog - to document my journey from 420 pounds down to whatever healthy weight God leads me to.  Sometimes that's a joyful journey and at other times it's incredibly difficult, but it's an honest glimpse into the road I travel.  Thanks for holding my hand and coming with me. 

Weekly weigh-in

Okay, so I got reminded today about why we're always told to weigh in on one scale.  There is about a three pound difference between the scale I have at home and the one at the Optifast clinic.  In fact, I weighed myself when I got home from my class tonight just to make sure.  I wish I could take the lower number, but I'm ultimately happy with the two pounds I lost this week.  I promise I am!  This is important because I had a meal added to my days and really it's about acceptance that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in this moment.  People, I have 70 pounds left to lose.  Do you have any idea how huge that is to me?  It feels so surreal, get completely thrilling at the same time.  Having started this adventure needing to lose 256 pounds to get to goal, that feels absolutely insane to me. 

I was the only one to hit the pavement in our lunctime walking group today.  Most people forgot their shoes and I think others just don't want to do it.  That's seriously okay, really.  I know I am committed to getting the exercise in and one of my other friends, who wasn't at work today, wants to destress, so we're really doing it for ourselves.  If others come along for the ride, that's fantastic.  I did have a killer hill that I had to manuever on the walk, but it was good.

Speaking of hills, I spoke to the clinic about the pain I've been experiencing in my legs.  Something is seriously wrong, so they're sending me to a specialist.  Meanwhile, I'm pushing through the pain as much as I can stand it.  I'll let you all know more when I know more.

Dancing with the scale and tonight's dinner

A couple of months ago, I ceremoniously got rid of my scale that I had in the house and posted about it here.  Ever since I got rid of it, I think about weighing on it far more than I actually did get on it.  At our clinic, they caution us to only weigh ourselves there and only once a week.  I get the reasoning behind it but I guess the practice of weighing myself for me (and this is just me) is that it is a sort of gauge to tell me I'm on the right path.  Obviously this is not all about the numbers on the scale since they don't report inches to me.  Yet, it does give me a good reality check just to see if I'm heading in the right direction.  I get that there are fluctuations from time to time, but it has been very hard not to hop on scale at home to see how I'm doing. 

So when I was at Walmart today, I was in the aisle where all the bath furnishings were and there were the scales.  After some vacillating back and forth, I decided to pick up another scale and bring it home.  A big reason for that is now that I'm eating a meal again, I want to see how that is impacting my weight, in either direction.  I haven't been living vicariously through the number as though it determines my worth as a human, but I guess it's important to me to know the number and that's just the plain truth of it.  I got on it and here's what it said.

Last week's weigh in had me at 232.5 pounds this past Monday, so that's a loss of almost five pounds.  I was pretty shocked, especially given that I haven't lost more than three pounds during any of the previous four weigh-ins.  Obviously that added meal is not only helping with the lightheadedness I have been experiencing, but also giving me extra calories throughout the day that my diabetic body has needed.  I am still feeling very weak in my legs, which I'm going to talk to the clinic about tomorrow when I go to my class, but I can tell adding the meal in has already helped.  I'm in no way discounting what I did by bringing a scale back into my house, but it did make me feel good about the fact that I'm heading in the right direction.  I think that's my whole point ... I need to know I'm doing things that are good for my health.  Sure, there are going to be fluctuations and the scale may very well say a higher number before I get on it at the clinic tomorrow, but for the moment it felt okay for me.  Who knows what that means for me keeping the scale around, but I just need to be honest about where I am with it.  I remember times when I would weigh on a scale at home and my weight started with a "4", as in 420 pounds.  While 417 was my starting weight when I began Optifast, 420 is, to my knowledge, the top of it for me.  What a joy to know I've worked my way down to 227.8 pounds. 

Okay, enough of that!  For today's meal, which I have in addition to my Optifast shakes, I had the most divine dish.  I had two and a half cups of salad with zero calories/sugar/fat salad dressing from Walden Farms, which I have every time I have the meal which, by the way, is awesome.  My opinions about Walden Farms are my own, but go to their website and read their customer reviews.  You'll see how much other people love them, too!  The star of the dinner was my version of spaghetti except I didn't use any pasta.  It included 3 ounces of lean ground beef (which can be substituted by ground turkey, ground chicken or even veggies for the vegetarians out there), 1/2 cup of cooked spaghetti squash that I nuked in the microwave and 1/4 cup of pasta sauce from Walden Farms, also zero calories/sugar/fat.  Oh my gosh, it was fab-u-lous and incredibly filling.  It made me not miss pasta at all.  Since I weigh and measure my food, I have enough leftovers for four more meals.  Yeah baby!!  Take a look at my finished product.  I really didn't capture it's true deliciousness in the photo ... you just have to give it a try yourself.

This was on a small salad plate, even though it looks like one of the dinner plates.  It's so amazing how much I appreciate great tasting, healthy food now.  I was enjoying slicing mushrooms, tomatoes and romaine lettuce as I was making my salad - just feeling the vegetables underneath my hands as I chopped them, seeing the vibrant colors and feeling the textures in my mouth.  For those on the full-fast Optifast plan, you'll know what I mean when you re-introduce food into your day.  Don't rush to get there, but do know there is so much variety and opportunity there for you.  Taking care of my body today feels really good.