Plan "B" is perfectly okay

I'm almost at the end of summer classes, thank you God.  Taking 6-week classes that are usually 16 weeks is pretty intense.  After the end of the classes, the plan is for me and one of my close friends to go on a summer road trip before we both return back to work since we both work in education.  We had discussed where to go.  My folks live in Utah, so we contemplated going out there, but she wasn't really digging driving that far.  So after much discussion about where we could go in California, we both decided on spending two days up in Santa Cruz and then two days in Lake Tahoe.  We both have never been to either place, so we got really psyched about going.

And then she called me to tell me that she changed her mind and isn't going after all. 

To say I was shocked was an understatement.  She had gotten a little sick, but we were waiting for her to feel better before we got together to pick out hotel rooms and then pay for them.  So that's why I thought she was calling me, to make arrangements to do that.  She said that because she was sick, she felt like she needed more time to prepare before going back to teach.  I was confused by this because we had a full two weeks before we were supposed to leave and about five days after that before she would return from vacation. Besides, she had told me before that she would only need a couple of days to prepare her classroom when we were originally making plans.  She was silent on the phone to give me time to digest what she was telling me.  I asked her if the entire trip was off or if she wanted to go somewhere for a few days.  I guess I just couldn't believe what she was telling me.  I can't force anyone to do something they don't want to do, but it seemed like something else was going on that she wasn't saying.  Regardless, I was extremely disappointed and, to be completely honest, hurt.  Before I left on summer break, I had decided to return to work later in August so that I use up my comp time for this trip and was so looking forward to spending the time together since we had such an awesome trip last summer.

After I got off the phone with her, I tried to do other things not to think about what just happened.  Then I wondered if I should just return to work as previously scheduled on August 1st instead of the 8th since I was no longer going on a trip.  Then something inside of me said, "What are you, crazy??"  Just because she bailed on me doesn't mean I can't still go on a trip.  Why not?  I don't know other people that can go with me because pretty much everyone is married or has kids, but what's so wrong with going myself?  I love to travel and I don't mind getting into adventure, even if it's on my own and, besides, you only live once.  I'm not about to sit here and pout and get madder.  No, I work hard and I deserve this vacation so by God I AM going to take it.  So after looking at places to go, I decided to go out to Utah to visit my dad.  We don't spend enough time together and I've never been to his house during the summertime.  There are a ton of national parks, we can go exploring and I want to spend time with him and my stepmom.  They're getting older and I don't ever want to sit in regret that I didn't spend enough time with my family.  The trip is 1,600 miles roundtrip and will take me through four states.  I'm breaking up the drive into two days, so that's about six hours each day ... totally doable.  When I go out there, I'll be going through St. George and then up to Ogden (north of Salt Lake City) where they live.  Then, when I come back home, I'm hitting Vegas.  Every time I've gone to Vegas, I've stayed at hotels off the strip since they are near my brother's house.  But I decided this time to stay in a fun five-star hotel where I have never stayed before.  So check out where I'll be going:

Any guesses as to which hotel it is?  The best part is that it's completely free!  Actually, my entire trip is because I'm using points from one of my credit cards.  So now I'm really looking forward to this trip, actually more than the one I was going to take with my friend.  I'm still upset about what happened, but you never know what direction life can take you in.  Plans that you may have had can change in the blink of an eye.  That made me think a lot about my weight loss journey.  I must admit - I have moments where I think I should just go back on Optifast so I can loose the rest of the weight quickly and "get it over with".  I'm sure other people can relate to that.  I lost so much weight so fast before.  This road I'm on now seems so long and arduous in many ways.  Of course, I forget how bad I felt while I was on the shakes and all the medical issues I had along the way.  Besides, I don't want to be in a space again where I gain some of the lost weight as quickly as it came off.  That part has been so devastating for me.  I understand that everything happens for a reason and the path I'm on right now is the one I'm supposed to be on right now.  I can continue losing it a slower and healthier pace following my Weight Watchers plan with gluten free and lactose free foods as well as combining that with the therapy session to help work on the emotional part of this journey.  Now that I think about it, plan B really is perfectly okay. 

Keeping track really does make a difference

Sometimes, if I have a bad day with my food, it's hard to actually keep track of what I've eaten or if my blood sugar level is too high, I seriously don't want to write it down for my doctor to see.  However, if  want to give myself a fighting chance of being healthier, of living longer and just overall feeling good, I'm actually doing myself a disservice by not writing things down or logging them in.  It's sort of the same idea that if I don't look in the mirror, then I haven't gained weight or my pants aren't bigger.  I mean, seriously, who am I fooling?  Nobody, not a single person.  Moreover, I'm only guaranteeing that, in fact, those pants will be bigger and keep growing. 

The same thing is true when I have a good day, a great day with my food or my blood sugar levels.  I can't express how absolutely encouraging it is to know that I'm not over my daily Weight Watchers point allowance or the fact that my blood sugar is one hundred percent exactly where it is supposed to be.  In fact, just a few minutes ago, I tested my blood sugar and it's in the healthy range.  That has encouraged me all the more to make great choices about what I will be having for dinner tonight as I pondered what to make.  What's on the menu?  Spaghetti using spaghetti squash as my "noodles" (you know how I love me some spaghetti squash!!), low-sodium spaghetti sauce and ground turkey for my protein along with a spring salad with low-fat honey mustard dressing.  It all fits into my gluten free, lactose free plan and uses a healthy amount of points following my Weight Watchers program.  And, I'm actually looking forward to having it, which is a huge turn-around in my life. 

Life is very different post-Optifast.  Those that I know who have been off of it have said the same thing.  Things were so much easier while only on those shakes.  Everything was laid out for me in very black and white terms.  I was told what I could in my shake, how often I should be having them and other such "rules" that left me questioning nothing.  I'm either compliant or I'm not.  I'm not at all saying it was easy, not at all.  Living for ten months on only shakes was a challenge like no other, especially with all the medical issues I was having.  Now I have to find balance to do what is right for my body.  Sometimes I have a really hard time because I'm such an emotional eater and always have been.  It's going to take me a long time to finding a balance but I'm working on it.  Sometimes, when I'm stressed, frustrated or just having a tough day in some other way, all I want to do is eat.  And, at times, I have.  At times, I have begged God to help me through the physical pain I go through or the desire to eat something in a bingey way when I know I shouldn't be doing that.  As I reminded in so many ways, it's one moment, one day at a time and that I have to find a place between perfection and real life.  I don't have to tackle all of my weight issues in one day.  This really is a lifetime journey for me, for most of us who have been significantly overweight.

So, in a bit, I'll start making my healthy, yummy dinner.  I'll track my points and, later on, I'll check my blood sugar again.  Not because I need to do these things to lose weight but because I want to be as healthy as I possibly can be.  That is very important to me.  And I won't be resentful because I have to do these things when it appears that other people don't have to do them.  I'll do it because I know it's a choice for me today to feel good or not.  It's a choice that is absolutely available to me and one that I am choosing to embrace.  

Busy week for me

Things have been pretty intense this past week.  I was hoping to post more, but it just didn't happen for me.  The work involved in my summer classes is a lot, more than I initially thought.  I'm handling it, but my nose is in books quite a bit.  At least it keeps me out of trouble during the summer time.  One of my friends and I are going to spend our last week of vacation in the beginning of August on a road trip.  It will be a great way to cap off a busy six weeks of classwork.  We haven't figured out where to go just yet, but we're thinking things like heading out to Utah where my folks live, up to Santa Cruz, Yosemite or even Lake Tahoe.  I'm thinking we'll probably head to cooler places since it's already been hot and the summer is just getting started.  Last summer we went into the Monterey/San Simeon area and the cool weather was lovely. 

I still have significant pain in my legs and what I have realized is that, as much as I don't want to do this, I'm going to have to cut back on the distance I walk or how strenuous I make a workout.  At least for the time being.  I'm so used to walking 3, 4 or 5 miles and right now that is absolutely killing the part of my legs where I have pain.  Since they can't quite figure out what's going on and, trust me, I've been through every test known to man, I have got to just be kinder and gentler to my own body.  I think there's a huge part of me, if I'm being completely honest, that is sort of guilting my body into working out harder and longer.  There's a voice that says, "If you want to get the excess weight off, you have to walk faster, walk longer, hit the gym more."  And that really isn't helping me because when I start to feel the pain in my legs really get intense, then I feel horrible.  Besides, there's nothing that says I have to walk three miles each time.  Even a mile is great.  I know I'll build up to more in time, just as I did when I originally began Optifast.  Am I a black or white thinker?  Duh!  I'm working on it.

In the meantime, I also started the wheels turning towards applying to grad school.  I have begun dropping off the recommendation forms to the three people I have chosen to write them for my application.  They need to be either professors or people who have supervised me.  I think my workplace experience is much more extensive, so I chose three supervisors.  All of the writers happen to now be principals and I have worked closely with each one, so I'm sure those recommendations will be positive.  I then have to take the CBEST in two weeks, otherwise they don't offer it again until September ... after the application is due.  I still have to get a certificate of clearance (background check) and write a vitae and five-page essay.  I'm trying really hard not to let it all stress me out because this next step in my life is very positive and something I am looking forward to doing.  I really feel blessed to have this opportunity to pursue something that feels like my calling.  Everything has fallen into place and I am choosing to embrace that. 

My food has been really good through all of this.  I'm staying gluten free and lactose free.  It's a challenge a lot of the times and makes things more difficult when choosing food, but I'm doing it.  I'm committed to being healthy in every way possible.  Anyway, busy, busy, busy.