I think I can vs. I know I can

I am feeling victorious today.  I was up pretty late last night studying for an exam today and so I was dragging a bit.  I made sure to have breakfast, though, before leaving for my class.  I didn't want to, I sooo didn't want to, but I forced myself because I knew I would be famished later.  My class ends at 1:40 in the afternoon so if I don't have lunch right then or bring it with me, I don't end up eating lunch until I'm beyond being famished.  I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription but, unfortunately, I had to go to a location that was pretty far away because that is where I saw a surgeon a couple of weeks ago.  So, by the time I had finished that, it was 2:30.  No lunch yet and my breakfast was small, so I was h-u-n-g-r-y.  As I was driving home, I had this thought that I should just pull in and grab something.  That lead to thoughts of, "Well, I already missed having a healthy lunch at a decent time so maybe I should just swing by the store and get ..."  You can see where my thoughts were headed. 

As I was driving on the freeway, the conversation I had with my therapist yesterday came into my head.  One of the things that she wants me to do is go back to some of the writing I did when I first was starting Optifast last year and read about how I had such strong resolve and an absolute commitment to doing everything I could to be successful no matter what.  That will take me some time to do, but I'm so grateful that I have this blog so that I can go through what I wrote about in those moments.  One of the other things we talked about was the commencement ceremony I participated in at Cal State in May.  I described to her the feelings of joy I was going through as I waited in line to climb the steps up to the stage where I would shake the university president's hand.  As I stood in that line, I had flashbacks to the many classes I took to get there, to the starting and stopping of my education due to life's circumstances and the absolute perseverance and guts it took to keep going no matter what.  She reminded me of all the sacrifice I gave to reach that goal, but I did do it.  And, so now, as I continue on my journey of health, I can absolutely do this, too.  It does take perseverance and major guts but I did that, so I can do this. 

I thought about all of this while driving home and, in the moment, made the decision that I would not be stopping anywhere. I would not be driving through to get food I have no business eating.  I would not stop at the grocery store to get food that probably will eventually lead to a binge.  No.  Hell no.  I came home and had a very healthy meal of a chicken breast, zucchini and brown rice.  I did end up eating my lunch at 3:45, but that was okay.  It's not okay to go that long in between meals for me, but I made good choices.  Scratch that, I made great choices.  And when it was time for dinner, a had a large organic spring salad with ground turkey, tomatoes and walnuts in it as well as a nectarine on the side.  I logged all of my food into my Weight Watcher's account and everything I ate today was gluten free and dairy free.  As I end my day, I am encouraged by the words of my therapist from yesterday - Kathy, you CAN do this.  I know I can.

My head is getting in the way

I've been pretty busy this past week with schoolwork and have put me on the back burner.  No bueno.  It's past midnight right now and I have a huge Spanish exam in the morning, but I just needed a break from studying for just a few moments to catch up on what's been going on with me.

Things have been going well with eating a (mostly) gluten free, dairy free food plan in conjunction with Weight Watchers.  However, there are those moments when I haven't been perfect with my food.  It's not even just not following the food plan, but it might be excess food because emotions are getting the better of me and then, before I know it, I've screwed up with my food and feel like I've blown my day.  Then, when I get in that space, it seems to take over me because I think that's license to eat more because I already messed up.  It's also license to eat foods that will make my blood sugar go up because, after all, I already "failed".  Then I get into the mode of comparisons.  That is an absolutely awful thing to do to myself.  I compare my body against other people, I even compare my body today to the one I had at my lowest weight when I was doing Optifast last year.  The size in my closet is different, way different, and so I get down on myself.  It's a horrible cycle where I go in a circle ... mess up with the food, compare, be critical and then repeat.  Couple that with the frustration I have been trying to deal with in regards to the pain I'm always in and the fact that things hurt more when I exercise.  And if I'm not exercising, that seems to be a reason to rationalize that I've messed up and, lo and behold, the food calls to me more. 

Bleh.  I'm sure there are other people that are reading this that have done that or are doing it now.  It's this idea that I must be perfect and, when I'm not, then the emotions get the better of me.  So I confessed this all to my therapist when I saw her today.  It was the first time since I started seeing her that I have not cried during the session.  I just told her everything that I'm going through with this.  In our conversation, she took me back to the time when I was doing Optifast.  When I was on the shakes, I was one hundred percent compliant.  I didn't cheat, not once.  In fact, I remember asking the counselor if I could have permission to take communion at church once a month.  I was that dedicated.  So my therapist asked me today why I think it was that I was in that space of not deviating from the program whatsoever when I had every opportunity to do so, just as other people did. I told her that I even surprised myself because I have never been able to do anything like that.  Every time I have gone on a diet, within a few days, I was already cheating.  Yet, I was doing the shakes for ten months and I still remained compliant the whole time.  She reminded me that my efforts in being healthier and losing weight, even though I'm not on Optifast now, is absolutely doable.  She reminded me how strong I am and to reflect on all the things I have been through.  So she gave me some things to work on in regards to changing those negative tapes in my head that go from 0 to 60 in three seconds flat.  The world is not just black and white ... there are so many lovely colors in between.  If I'm in pain while I'm exercising, I can be less intense.  If I make a mistake with my food, I can remind myself that I'm not perfect and just keep moving forward.

It's so important for me to own all of this.  It's very easy to not say anything to anybody and feel like I'm failing and feeling ashamed quietly.  But I share this because it makes these things far less powerful.  I have such a wonderful support system.  Sara always reminds me that I'm not where I used to be.  Other people remind me to be kind and gentle towards myself and that I have no business comparing myself to anyone, including my smaller self.  When I began my blog and wondered what I would call it, I decided on "Now is Finally the Time" because I was done with being unhealthy and feeling bad.  And I know this is completely a process.  I felt that way all the time before, but now it's fleeting moments and doesn't consume everything any longer.  I am completely determined to staying on this journey of good health and self-discovery.  Oh my gosh, this is not easy.  Sometimes it's emotionally and physically painful, sometimes I have terrific days.  While I may sometimes feel that I am taking three steps forward and two steps back, the point is that I'm continuing to walk forward, imperfect as I may be. 

On vacation for 2 months

My hectic end of the year stuff at work is done and today is my first day of summer break.  I have seven weeks off and I think my boss wants me to take one more week on top of that because I have so much comp time.  I'll find out next week if that's the case, which I would not be sad to take.  Unfortunately, being in education, these summer weeks are unpaid but whatever ... I'm on break and I'm happy about that.  I do have two summer classes I will be taking, starting on Monday, but doing it without working at the same time makes things much less stressful.  I will also be working on my grad school application during this summer, so I will be busy. 

I had a really healthy, gluten-free and dairy-free breakfast this morning and after I post this, I'm heading outdoors to go walking.  I haven't exercised regularly for several weeks now and I miss it.  I've been dealing with a lot of pain and have to have a surgery on the 20th.  Now that I'm on vacation, I sort of want to regroup and take better care of myself.  I have made the change with my eating plan, but I have also been going through some feelings of sadness over the weight gain, feeling as though I failed in someway.  I know intellectually that I haven't because I don't weigh anything near what I used to weigh when I first started this blog.  Besides, this is not a contest of how low can you go.  This is my life and it's for my health.  It's always been about health and not about a number.

I miss being smaller, though, I have to admit that.  I was on my feet a lot helping out at our high school's graduation and, by the end of the day, I was in a lot of pain.  Granted, I probably would've been in pain at the smaller size, but I know it would have been far less significant.  There's a shame I have been feeling because of the gain.  I know the reasons for it and I completely own them, between medical issues and dealing with frustrations and physical pain through food.  It hasn't been my best, shining moments.  The other day, though, I saw it.  I mean I really saw the reality of where I stand right now.  A picture was taken of me with a student after our senior awards night.  It was not a flattering picture in any way and it almost made me want to cry.  I know it's not me at my worst, but I sure felt bad.  At the event, which is something I am in charge of, I was called onto stage by our school's administrators to thank me for not only the event, but my work throughout the year.  They gave me flowers and hugs.  But I didn't want to step foot on that stage only because I felt as big as a house.  Yet, based on the faces of those kids and their parents, they weren't focusing on that at all.  I guess I have a big ego because, trust me, that was what I was focusing on.  I certainly was celebrating the kids' accomplishments with them, but my thoughts would invariably go back to me and how I was feeling about my body. 

The best thing I can do now is move forward, just as I did when I was on Optifast.  While I won't go back on that program because of the negative toll it took on my body, I can remember my commitment level while I was on it and take that with me as I walk forward now.  It was soooo much easier while I was on the shakes.  Anyone who has done it and then gone back to food afterwards knows exactly what I'm talking about.  It's such a black and white thing - you drink the shakes or you cheat and eat food.  On the other hand, things can be black and white with the food as well.  You eat appropriate amounts of food at meals and snacks, or you don't.  Having Weight Watchers as a tool for me really helps in keeping me accountable of what I'm eating.  Writing is very therapeutic for me, too, whether here on this blog or in my private journal.  I know it helps me sort out whatever I'm feeling and so the food doesn't have near the hold it has had on me. 

I'm not here to give you advice on the proper way to lose weight, how to be successful on Optifast or anything else.  I am certainly no authority and it was never my goal to do so.  I know for some others they may feel that way, but I do not.  I also don't kid myself that I have all the answers.  Frankly, if I did, this would be a very different blog.  I am here to share my experiences and story, hopefully connect with others that are going through the same things I am going through and just to be as honest as I can.  At one point, I lost 190 pounds on Optifast in ten months.  I now will continue in my efforts to be healthier, but not with shakes.  I have to listen to my body when it tells me something is not working, which is something I didn't do so well when I was on Optifast.  Back then, I was tunnel-visioned because I was losing so much weight so fast.  So I ignored things when I wasn't feeling so well, refusing to get off product.  I have had some extremely wonderful, supportive friends tell me how worried they were during that time - that my body was smaller but I wasn't looking well in my face, gaunt I think was the word they used.  I didn't take it badly because I knew it came from a place of love.  So now I just keep moving forward, continuing to work on my physical health, as well as the emotional.  Obviously that's easier said than done, but I'm committed to this for myself. Things are not easy.  I mean, I have to eat no gluten and no dairy just so that my body doesn't feel upset.  You can't begin to imagine how hard that is, but I'm doing it.  After not eating for 10 months and drinking my food, anything is possible!

Anyway, off for my walk.  One foot in front of the other.

Dragging myself from here to there

Hi everyone,

I have been crazy busy with end of the year stuff at work.  I'm in charge of our Senior Awards Reception, which is a lot of work.  It's chasing kids down for information, writing the speech we'll use for the event, dealing with scholarship sponsors, last minute changes, printers that jam at the worst times and the list goes on.  We have about 160 kids participating and I can say about half of them turned in half of the information I have needed, so calling them into the office is so time consuming.  I've been working full days and then putting in several hours each night working at home in front of my laptop.  Tomorrow we have the beginning of senior check-out, so I'll be busy with that, too, as well as other end-of-the-year stuff.  So I've been quieter than usual on my blog.  I can't apologize, though, because I'm only human and life gets in the way sometimes.  A week from tomorrow with be my last day for almost seven weeks, so I know I can get through it just fine.  Besides, I do love participating in these great events for our kids, even if there is a lot of work behind it.

On to medical stuff ... I saw a specialist today in regards to the intestinal issues I've been having.  Making the change to gluten-free and dairy-free food has been great for me, but it hasn't taken care of the problem one hundred percent.  Oh how I wish it could have done that.  Without going into too many TMI details, the specialist told me today that I'm going to have to have surgery and then, depending on how I'm doing after that, potentially more.  It's sort of a "wait and see how this works" sort of thing.  Being told I needed surgery was not what I wanted to hear and I felt like it increased my stress level a huge amount, but the doctor was very sweet with me and extremely caring.  Wouldn't you know, while I was talking to her, I started crying.  I don't know where the tears came from.  Probably a mix of being scared, frustrated, relieved and just at my wits's end.  Sometimes I don't know how to handle it when people are extremely compassionate as she was and how so many of the other doctors I've been dealing with have been the same way.  My emotions are right there on the surface in these situations, especially when I start talking about what I've been through in the last couple of years.  Any one of those things could have seriously broken the strongest person and yet here I am.

For right now, I'm trying to put those worries about whatever the surgery may bring off to the side so that I can finish off my work school-year and be present during all of these special graduation events with the kids.  And when I do have the surgery, thankfully it's an outpatient sort of thing and it is supposed to make me feel lots better, God willing.  Oy, the challenges of life.