Tuesday, July 9, 2013

I think I can vs. I know I can

I am feeling victorious today.  I was up pretty late last night studying for an exam today and so I was dragging a bit.  I made sure to have breakfast, though, before leaving for my class.  I didn't want to, I sooo didn't want to, but I forced myself because I knew I would be famished later.  My class ends at 1:40 in the afternoon so if I don't have lunch right then or bring it with me, I don't end up eating lunch until I'm beyond being famished.  I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription but, unfortunately, I had to go to a location that was pretty far away because that is where I saw a surgeon a couple of weeks ago.  So, by the time I had finished that, it was 2:30.  No lunch yet and my breakfast was small, so I was h-u-n-g-r-y.  As I was driving home, I had this thought that I should just pull in and grab something.  That lead to thoughts of, "Well, I already missed having a healthy lunch at a decent time so maybe I should just swing by the store and get ..."  You can see where my thoughts were headed. 

As I was driving on the freeway, the conversation I had with my therapist yesterday came into my head.  One of the things that she wants me to do is go back to some of the writing I did when I first was starting Optifast last year and read about how I had such strong resolve and an absolute commitment to doing everything I could to be successful no matter what.  That will take me some time to do, but I'm so grateful that I have this blog so that I can go through what I wrote about in those moments.  One of the other things we talked about was the commencement ceremony I participated in at Cal State in May.  I described to her the feelings of joy I was going through as I waited in line to climb the steps up to the stage where I would shake the university president's hand.  As I stood in that line, I had flashbacks to the many classes I took to get there, to the starting and stopping of my education due to life's circumstances and the absolute perseverance and guts it took to keep going no matter what.  She reminded me of all the sacrifice I gave to reach that goal, but I did do it.  And, so now, as I continue on my journey of health, I can absolutely do this, too.  It does take perseverance and major guts but I did that, so I can do this. 

I thought about all of this while driving home and, in the moment, made the decision that I would not be stopping anywhere. I would not be driving through to get food I have no business eating.  I would not stop at the grocery store to get food that probably will eventually lead to a binge.  No.  Hell no.  I came home and had a very healthy meal of a chicken breast, zucchini and brown rice.  I did end up eating my lunch at 3:45, but that was okay.  It's not okay to go that long in between meals for me, but I made good choices.  Scratch that, I made great choices.  And when it was time for dinner, a had a large organic spring salad with ground turkey, tomatoes and walnuts in it as well as a nectarine on the side.  I logged all of my food into my Weight Watcher's account and everything I ate today was gluten free and dairy free.  As I end my day, I am encouraged by the words of my therapist from yesterday - Kathy, you CAN do this.  I know I can.


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