Sunday, July 6, 2014

It really was a miracle

Somehow, in the middle of my frustration and tears about not being able to sleep, came a grace from God that is unexplainable to me.  Miracles happen every day, some large and others small.  My small miracle (although I consider it to be huge) is that I was able to finally fall asleep on the CPAP.  I really don't know how it happened, other than my complete surrender and humility to ask God for the help I was desperate to receive.  When I went to bed last night, I prayed a lot and, I admit, cried a lot.  Frustration and sheer exhaustion will do that to a person. FYI, it's hard to gracefully cry with a nasal pillow on your face ;-) Sleep didn't occur right away.  In fact, it took several hours to happen, but eventually I did fall asleep with the machine.  The gratitude I felt this morning when I woke up practically brought me down to my knees.  It is a miracle ... I have been trying for months and months to sleep with the mask.  Only after a deep surrender did it happen.

After I woke up this morning and had my breakfast, I decided to go for a walk by myself at the beach.  Of course, being "by myself" on a Southern California beach in the summer is impossible, but no one was able to go with me and so I went alone.  I was able to tune out the other people around me and just focus on what I was there to do.  Check out what I experienced.

It was a perfect day.  I felt a lot of peace and that was reflected in my food choices.  I've been having protein drinks to replace some of my meals since I'm getting closer to surgery, but I have not felt deprived nor am I going in the kitchen looking for food to eat.  There's just a lot of simplicity there without feeling deprived.

Tomorrow is the last day of my six months of pre-op classes.  While I'm glad to be done with this part of the process, it is a bittersweet step at the same time.  I've become good friends with my classmates and I'll miss seeing them every week, as well as our leader.  We have decided to continue meeting, though, to support each other as we go through this process.  We probably won't meet every week like we do now, but I'm sure it'll be 1-2 times each month.  In the next several weeks, a lot will be happening in terms of getting closer to a surgery date.  It's not something I need to fear, though.  God is with me every step of the way in my life as long as I invite Him in.


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