Saturday, July 5, 2014

In a fight with the mask and it's winning

I am exhausted.  I mean, beyond tired.  I have been trying, desperately I might add, to sleep with the CPAP machine.  I have been doing things like just sitting reading or watching TV with it on me.  I have tried to fall asleep in every position possible.  I have been trying to meditate before bed to put myself in a zen-like state.  I have been using the ramp feature to slowly ease the pressure going into my nose.  It fits perfectly on me and I breathe just fine with it on.  Even though I have been taking a very strong sleep pill (Ambien), I still can't sleep.  I tried again today when I attempted to take a nap.  In frustration, I started to cry.  I don't understand what is wrong that I can't sleep with it.  Is this really a psychological issue or is there something physical going on?  I'm trying not to overthink it but how can I not when sleep is eluding me every single time?  Right now, I just don't know what to do.  Anytime I tell someone, they come back with, "Well, did you try x, y or z?"  Of course I have!  Every freaking suggestion that someone has I have already tried.  They ask questions as if I haven't really been trying.  I have.  I'm not giving up on it because, after all, what's the alternative?  I just can't impart sufficiently how difficult it is to function without enough sleep, or any sleep for that matter.  I'm starting to worry that this will prevent me from getting the surgery because of the stomach blowing apart issue when air is put into my body.  I guess I just needed to vent my frustrations.  I want to try very hard not to pull off the mask tonight.  I do that when I've been laying there for hours and hours, knowing that if I pull it off I'll at least get some sort of sleep.  If you are able to get a full night of sleep, consider yourself blessed.  I need to remember that with God all things are possible.


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