Sunday, May 19, 2013

Coming down from the clouds

I'm about ready to turn in for the night, but I wanted to thank everyone for their well wishes regarding the graduation ceremony I had this past Saturday.  It was a whirlwind weekend, with some family coming in from town, feeling a ton of different emotions as I accomplished a huge milestone in my life and feeling love from so many different directions.  It was purely joyful to see my mom and dad, who have been divorced for a very long time, come together and bond in watching their daughter become a college graduate.  I'm the first one in my family, so it's a big deal.  I had a really great weekend.  However, I would be completely remiss if I were to say it was all sunshine and lollipops.  My brother's absence was glaringly obvious, actually to quite a few people.  I did a pretty good job of putting the emotions of that in a box and off to the side during most of the festivities.  It wasn't until I was alone with my mom in my car after driving home yesterday that my feelings about his absence came to the surface as I sobbed while driving down the road.  It wasn't anger, but just pure hurt.  She knows, better than anyone, how hurtful this has all been to me.  I told her that he never once texted me, called or anything to say he couldn't come, congratulations or anything else.  In 16 years since he moved to Vegas from San Diego, I haven't asked him for one single, solitary thing.  Trust me, he's asked me for plenty and I have always been there for him.  Even when I had cancer two years ago, he never said anything to me then, either.  How much effort does it take to send me a freakin text??  He's been back to San Diego at least 80 times (and that number is on the conservative side since he's a Charger's season ticket holder), and there's never been one word from him.  All of that came to a head for me yesterday and today.  I could have died when I had cancer and there wasn't one word from him.

So now I'm sitting here and I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do with these feelings.  Do I write him a letter that I will send to tell him how disappointed and saddened I am?  I think it's important for him to know how I feel, that it's not okay to treat someone like crap, especially someone who is your one and only sister.  Or, do I just try to let it go and just not contact him any longer?  I am so beyond done with this that I don't plan to visit him any longer, no matter which approach I take.  You can only use someone for so long before they shut down and I refuse to be stepped on.  I had so much love thrown at me this weekend, yet the one person who couldn't bother to say two sentences to me has most of my attention and that's just not cool.  I'm not minimizing the other people at all.  I cherished moments sitting with each and every one of them and I hope they all know what they mean to me.  But my brother ... God, why do you challenge me so with him?  I just don't know how to walk forward from this with him.  My line in the sand has been drawn.  My only question is how I approach it.  I don't want to write him a letter full of anger, so if anything I need to take my time with this.  In the meantime, I get to try to get some sleep and face a new work week.  The answers will come to me in time, I'm sure of it.  Family dynamics just really suck sometimes.


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