Pre-op class #6 and weekly weigh-in

I connected with my primary care doctor today to discuss the low blood sugar reading I had yesterday.  In fact, looking over the last two weeks of numbers, yesterday was not the only time I was way too low ... it was the fourth.  She is making an adjustment on my medication, so hopefully things will improve.  I'm glad I consulted with her because I actually had another low reading today when I came home after my pre-op class.  I hate even typing that to be honest because I know people are concerned.  Trust me, so am I.  This keeps me accountable.  Somehow posting what's going on for whoever happens to read my blog keeps me really honest.

Speaking of the class, I lost another two pounds for the week.  Yay me!  It's been a slow but steady decline, so I'm happy with that.  When I look at the alternatives of either gaining weight or staying the same, I'll take it any day of the week.  Tonight our topic was about assertiveness.  I can really see how assertiveness, or lack of it, can cause me to go to food instead of dealing with something.  When I think of situations, I completely see how that works.  I have a simple but good example of this.  When I have to order more contact lenses, I do it at Costco.  When I did that last month, there was only one person working at the counter with a long line of people patiently waiting.  A person came up and actually cut in line, even though a bunch of us had been waiting for a while.  Instead of saying something, I let it go.  Something about not wanting to cause a fuss because I think I would have been rude if I would have said anything.  Of course, no one else said anything either.  Then later on, when I got home from shopping, I found myself munching on food even though I wasn't particularly hungry.  At the time, I knew it was because of Mr. Line Jumper and the fact that I didn't say anything.  Sometimes I have no problem being assertive, yet at other times it's a struggle.

Our facilitator discussed the fact that, in her opinion, overeating is a misguided attempt to fulfill unmet needs.  She's right.  Did I really have to pick up food to deal with the fact that I was mad at Mr. Line Jumper and even madder with myself that I didn't say anything?  What purpose was the munching going to fulfill for me?  Honestly, all it did was make me feel bad for having snacked unnecessarily, making me then want to keep on doing it.  It's such a negative cycle that feels like a vortex I can never get out of once I start picking up the food in the first place.  It reminds me of that movie "Groundhog Day" with Bill Murray.  Have you seen it before?  It's such a perfect example of this cycle.  They guy is living the same day over and over again.  No matter how hard he tries to get it to change, somehow he can't get out of the trap he's in of playing the events over and over again.  That's what a food addiction is like to me.  I say to myself that it'll be different this time.  Yet, when I go to the food for reasons other than nutrition to fuel my body, the guilt of that then convinces me to carry on until I've eaten the whole thing.

I really need to spend some time in reflection of how my overeating has been a cover to fulfill unmet needs and really identifying exactly what those unmet needs are for me.  Awareness of that will go a long way to continued good health.  At the same time, I need to keep moving my feet and my seat.  Using the MapMyWalk app on my phone every time I exercised, it showed me that I walked 10 miles last week and burned 3419 calories.  That seems pretty awesome to me.  One step at a time.

Water Challenge Day 40:  Drank 183 out of 183 ounces

Weekly weigh-in

I have not felt great during this past week, but I did go to my weigh-in this morning and found out I lost two pounds.  I'll take it!  Given I didn't exercise one day this week and was feeling icky, two pounds is fantastic.  My past week was stressful for me, but I'm working hard on trying to move past that as much as possible.  It's not easy when I'm so used to going to food to make me feel better, even though it does no such thing.  I was thinking tonight, as I was preparing my dinner, how am I going to handle things in the future if I don't have food as a crutch?  It's been my mode of operation for so long in my life.  Really, it's been my only way of coping.  Have a bad day?  Food will fix it.  Bored?  Food will fix it.  Get in a fight with the boyfriend?  Well, you see where I'm going with this.  My therapist has told me time and time again that it will take time, patience and a lot of practice to change these behaviors.  I know she's right, but there is a part of me deep inside which is raising a snarky little eyebrow at her.  Will it really get better or am I one of those unfortunate few that they talk about in twelve step programs who is "constitutionally incapable" of getting better?  Good Lord above, I was 420 pounds at my highest weight.  How does that happen to a person?  Better yet, how did that happen to me?

Ha ... I just noticed all of the question marks I have in the paragraph above.  Funny how I just get carried away when I'm typing.  As a quick detour, look at what I found when I paused just now to take a sip of my water ;-)

One of my furball angels sleeping right next to me as I'm working on my laptop in the dining room.  My brother's dog passed away this past week and they are in deep grief over losing little Nate.  He lived for an amazing 19 years, pretty unheard of for a dog, so I've been giving my two furry girls more kisses than normal because I know the pain of having to let them go when there's nothing more that can be done.

I guess the food issues will resolve in time and I don't need to put myself in a worry-wort state right now.  I have a long way to go on my road to a healthier me so there's plenty of time to get used to changes.  Given where I was just six months ago with going up on the scale instead of down, I'm doing great.  Fruits and veggies are a normal part of my life now and I look forward to giving my body the good stuff that it has craved for so long.  In fact, I'm finding myself actually preferring healthier choices now.  If I go to a restaurant and there's something that's deep-fried or I know has 2,000 calories in it, I won't even go near it.  Better yet, I don't want to go near it.  The Jenny foods I have been eating have been great.  And if they haven't been great, I stop buying them.  It's my program and I can do that.  For my evening snack tonight, I had a divine little slice of triple chocolate cheesecake.  [That's right, Z, triple chocolate!]  It was incredibly delish and it tasted so decadent, even though it wasn't.  Beyond the food, though, I have been getting great support with the folks at JC.  I'm so glad I made the decision to do their program.  I have absolutely no regrets.

Weekly weigh-in

I'm back from my weekly appointment at Jenny Craig.  I just have to say wooooohooooo.  I lost eight pounds this week.  I felt like I was knocked out cold - how did that happen?  I'm not sure but I'm feeling pretty good right about now.  I came home and had a great, healthy breakfast and I'm ready to start my day.  I'm looking forward to a lovely, relaxing Saturday.

Weekly weigh-in & question of the day

I lost 2.8 pounds this week.  I'm happy with that since it was first full week back on food after stopping the Optifast product.  I feel like I'm starting to get into a groove, although I'm still adjusting to the right kind of food to have.  My body just can't handle things that are too rich.  And that phrase "too rich" is completely relative because most anything is too rich after having had shakes for so long.  I know I'll get into a good pattern soon, though.

As I mentioned a while ago, I want to seriously delve into the emotional side of this weight loss journey.  It's just as important for me to heal emotionally as it is to heal physically.  Let's face it, a person doesn't get to weigh 417 pounds at the first Optifast meeting if there isn't some emotional stuff going on behind the eating.  So I have a few sources of questions I'd like to dive into, some from the Optifast binder and some from other sources.  I'll call these segments Question of the Day.  I have a friend who used to work at one of our sister high schools (she no longer works there but is still a friend of mine) who used to send me an e-mail at work and titled it Question of the Day.  So what I'll do is pose the question, then answer it.  I think it would be great if readers answered them too, if they're so obliged.  You can either do it in the comment section, send me a private e-mail or do it in your own journal.  No matter what, this is about healing and leaving the overeating and the desire to overeat in the past.  Here we go!

Question of the Day

What makes you think you are ready for change now?  In other words, why is now different than before?

This is hard to explain in words, but there has been a shift in my life ever since the day I decided that I was sick and tired of the obesity plaguing my life and decided to go on Optifast.  There was an internal shift, as though I had crossed the line and could never return to the place I've been.  Things were definitely different than any resolve I might have had in the past.  This time I was willing to do whatever was put before me.  I mean, that must be pretty obvious if I was willing to do something like go on a liquid diet for months on end.  Seriously, isn't that the epitome of willing to do absolutely anything?  I didn't want to be regarded is that morbidly obese person who was suffering from diabetes, who was breathing heavy in the corner, with a smile plastered on my face that masked the true pain that exists beneath the weight.  As I move into this next phase of my weight loss life, I know without a doubt that I am not only ready for change, it is imperative for me to continue moving forward.  My life is changed and I never imagined it could feel so good.  Here I am, a person who never exercised voluntarily, and I work out practically every day.  Not only that, I am often the one to get other people to do it.  I like exercising with other people, by myself or either one.  It makes my body feel good and that makes me feel good.  It's a part of my changed life now.  Things are different now because I want this more than anything else and I am surrendering to a process I don't always understand but one that I know is a gift from God.

Okay, now it's your turn to answer the question ...