Pre-op class #10 and weekly weigh-in

Wow, this week's pre-op class was pretty difficult.  The topic was on addiction.  One of the things I absolutely love about the classes and why I'm so grateful to be spending the time working on various topics each week is because it so much more than just the semantics of the surgery.  Sure, we could spend our time reviewing the pros and cons of our choices and the nutrition issues that go along with them.  After a certain period of time, though, we would only be dealing with surface-level topics.  The bigger concern, at least for me, is the reasons why I have gone to food in my life.  Giving my body nutrients to sustain my life often times never really crossed my mind.  Okay, that might be the case for things such as asparagus and oatmeal, but those are not the sorts of foods that I have found myself clinging to in moments of need.  It has been things more like a carton of ice cream, cake, pie, cookies, muffins, pizza, chips.  I wish I could tell you all that I have been a lady around these foods, but I'd be telling you a bold-faced lie.  What I was in those moments was a compulsive overeater who would eat the whole bag, box or carton of whatever concoction was in front of me if left on my own.  When no one is looking, I would definitely go to town.

Am I a food addict?  Hell yes.  I am to food like a drug addict is to crack or the alcoholic is to the bottle.  I cannot rationalize in my mind that it is not as serious because it is.  For me, it has always been that way.  Part of why I have a blog in the first place is to help me move on from emotional eating into something much more wonderful.  I sit here at my laptop and share my life and feelings with all you lovely readers and friends because I need to let go of the ways I have always used food in unhealthy ways.  Being transparent helps me share myself with you, but also with myself.  

The reason this week's class really got to me is because what we were discussing hit me squarely between the eyes.  It described me perfectly in what I do with food and that was hard.  Granted, I am not doing many of the things that were brought up right now, but I'm always inches away from it.  For me, it's a matter of making a conscious decision at each meal to give my body loving care and not abusing it with sugar, flour and grease, which are downfalls for me.  Today at lunch, for example, I found myself needing to go out and get myself something to eat because I didn't prepare food at home and my friend that I usually walk with wasn't at work today.  So I found myself alone.  I started rationalizing in my head how I could get away with having a hamburger and no one would know.  God, where did that come from?  I would know.  I'm not working on weight loss and good health for anybody else, just me.  As I wondered where I would go for lunch, I knew exactly where ... a place that I could not get fast food.  I knew I would be kicking myself if I did that.  Thankfully I found enough strength inside to just say no to those fleeting thoughts and I found myself ordering a salad.  

Our class material covered the different thoughts that someone has when it comes to how their addiction imbeds itself into their lives.  One difficult piece was the phases of addictive behavior.  I was talking to a couple of classmates and gave an example of something I have done before.  At times where I know I'm going to be home alone or when I start thinking about leaving work for the day, I have had thoughts about food and how I could get my hands on it.  We're not talking about eggplant here.  

In this one particular instance, I thought about how good it would be to buy a carton of ice cream at the store on the way home so that I could eat it in private.  I would leave the office and stop off at the grocery store, looking for my fix.  I would be tunnel-visioned, only wanting that one thing and not caring about any negative consequences.  I'd buy other foods to cover it up so that a normal-sized person wouldn't judge me, but the ice cream was all I cared about.  I'd get home, close the blinds, open the carton and then dig in.  My phone may be ringing or someone could have been knocking at the door and I wouldn't care.  I was on a mission.  The first few bites would taste like pure heaven, but then I'd start to feel guilty.  My blood sugar would skyrocket and I'd inject insulin to offset the high number.  I'd feel shame and remorse but then, in that moment, instead of throwing the rest of the carton away, I would eat it until it was all gone.  Maybe I did it in one sitting or maybe I would do it over the course of the evening, but make no mistake about it when I say it would be gone.  And I would be left having to deal with the repercussions of what I had done to myself.  Who in their right mind eats a carton of ice cream except for an addict?  Going even further, who in their right mind goes for more food after that is gone?  

That above example is not about gluttony.  It is about how an addiction can take hold of a person.  Some may think that addiction to food is nowhere near as bad as drugs or alcohol.  The problem in that scenario is that while death is much more eminent with a drug addict, the same thing happens to a food addict except their death takes a lot longer.  It comes in the form of a diseased body riddled with excess weight, chronic pain and numerous ailments.  Who willingly chooses that?  It's an addiction.

Thankfully I am not participating in that sort of behavior any longer, praise you Lord, but I could be one bite away from it.  If I dare bring any of that sort of food into my house right now, I know it will be gone because I would have eaten it.  Something would have compelled me and it's precisely that something that I am working on.  Maybe I can reintroduce those foods in the future, who knows.  Right now, though, the inside has to be healed just as much as the outside.  I don't want to go through surgery only to be back in the same place all over again.  I am willing to dig as deeply as I must to prevent me from returning to old behaviors.  I do have a fear that I will go through surgery and that I will fail.  Whatever the doctors and experts tell me to do, I am willing.  Sometimes searching my soul is incredibly painful.  It means opening doors that I wanted sealed shut and being honest at a level that feels brutal at times.  

As I was reading a few blogs earlier, I discovered the greatest post from Diane over at Fit to the Finish.  Her post, "Losing a Bunch of Weight Doesn't Ensure Happiness" was amazing.  If you have a chance, click on this link and read that post, especially the ending where she provides great suggestions on working towards emotional healing.  I know this is a long process and does not happen overnight.  But, if I keep working on it, it will continue getting better and, who knows, maybe someday ice cream won't call to me so much.  If it does, I definitely don't have to answer, one day at a time, one meal at a time.

Oops, I almost forgot ... I lost two pounds this week.  Yay me ;-)  Believe it or not, I'm happy with the slow loss because it means I'm heading in the right direction.  Thanks for always being so supportive.  It really does mean a lot to me, more than you could ever know.

Water Challenge Day 63:  Drank 180 of 180 ounces

Don't you want a cupcake Kathy?

This is the plaza area of our beautiful high school.
California livin at its finest!

I had a relatively busy day at work, just running around doing a million different things.  We had an Elective Fair at school, which is something that I coordinate.  It's an opportunity for our students to learn about the various electives we offer from teachers or other students currently taking the classes.  That was happening at lunchtime, so I needed to make sure everything was set up properly.  After our custodian got all the tables and chairs set up, my friend and I went around and moved them around a bit and put signs ups.  We both have pain in our wrists from injuries, so that was a big challenge.  Just standing over the tables and putting on the signs hurt my back.  Years of being obese has really taken a toll on my poor body and so things like just standing too long hurts.  I shouldered through, though.  After the event was over, I went back out to the plaza and took the signs down.  My physical job wasn't at all a big deal when it came to this event, but sometimes just little things like standing and bending over is hard at this weight.  

After I was done with that, I went on my lunchtime walk with my friend.  We always have a great time when we go walking.  It seems like the time goes by so fast, especially with two friends just talking the whole time.  Sometimes I do have to tell her to slow down a little, but I'm hoping that improves with time and I can keep up.  I'm so proud of myself for continuing to do the lunchtime walks because it's a great way for me to get exercise in each time.  I do get sweaty and I hate that when I have to work for the rest of the day.  However, I have to choose between that and not getting in the exercise.  When I consider the fact that it is so good for my heart, helps me lose weight and gets me out of the office for a while, I'll deal with being sweaty.  Besides, I have a fan and that seems to cool me down.  

After our walk today, I helped set up for another event we had in the afternoon with some of our parents.  So I worked with our student office aides and set up for that.  It hurt my back again but I pushed through.  I seem to do that a lot, pushing through pain.  I know that's not good to do, but I am on pain medication and it hardly makes a dent.  When I was done, I had a student waiting for me in my office and missed singing to one of my co-workers that had a birthday (one of those days I guess).  Whenever we have a birthday, we all gather around in the office, sing to the person and have cake or some such thing.  Today it was cupcakes.  The admin assistant who put on the celebration saw me afterwards and I mentioned to her that I accidentally missed.  She knew I had been out walking earlier and so she asked me, ever so sweetly, if I would like a cupcake.  Would I like a cupcake?  Oh, I don't know, is the sky blue?  Of course I wanted a freakin' cupcake!!  Yet, I didn't have one.  Sweets are a weakness for me.  One cupcake is too many and a thousand are never enough.  Does anyone else relate to that?  As long as I don't have one, I'm fine.  Of course, I had those feelings inside wondering why I have to be so different.  I got over myself, though, because I realize it really is no big deal at all in the grand scheme of things.  I mean, yeah, I can't eat cupcakes in moderation.  That's okay because it could be much worse.  If I think about it, seriously it could be a whole lot worse.  I could substitute it for not being able to drink alcohol in moderation or not being able to do drugs in moderation.  Okay, perspective!

Water Challenge Day 52:  Drank 70 of 182 ounces
(yeah, really bad job today but I'm still working on it)

Let's talk about it

There are some addictions that are a lot easier to talk about than others ... alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex, gambling.  If there are any addictions that are "accepted" in society, those are the ones.  We all give a look of sympathy as we talk about a man drinking his troubles away at a bar or someone shooting up drugs in a seedy motel.  We feel empathy for them, realizing they have no control when it comes to their substance and pray they can find help.  What happens, though, when we talk about food being an addiction?

I'll tell you what happens ... people tell you to go on a diet, to exercise more, to just push away from the table.  I wonder, though, if those same things could be told to the alcoholic or the drug addict.  What happens if we tell a down-in-the-gutter alcoholic to just drink water, walk away from the liquor store, or just to simply not do it any longer.  Will an heroin addict understand me when I suggest that he just exercise instead of choosing his drug?  Is it really that simple?

Of course not.  The same is true for a food addict.  This is a lot bigger than just calories in, calories out.  Oh my gosh, it is worlds bigger than just that.  Trust me, if it were that simple, we would have no one overweight in this world.  Why on God's green earth would we choose anything other than pushing away from the table if it were that simple versus the consequences of diabetes, painful joints, heart attacks and so much more?  Heidi Powell wrote a great entry on her blog about eating disorders.  After all, it is a disorder.  Ask any good physician and they will talk about obesity as an epidemic that needs serious consideration.

This picture is why I am talking about this today.

I think it's really important to be able to talk about the addiction to food.  I'm not even necessarily speaking about anorexia or bulimia.  Yes, of course they are very important facets in this discussion.  What I think needs to be talked about even more is the bingeing that many compulsive overeaters go through.  It's eating until you are so stuffed you couldn't possibly eat any more only to go back for more once the uncomfortable feeling has passed.  I mean the person that eats ice cream right out of the carton until it is all gone.  I mean the person that puts a smile on her pretty face while her body size continues to grow and grow until she can no longer fit into clothes even in a big-size store.  Those are the people who don't get the attention we so desperately need to give them.  

Those people are me and I am them.

Even if I lose all of my excess weight, my body will always have scars and saggy skin as reminders of where I have been.  Those scars and skin are a cover for a deep internal struggle to feel good enough and pretty enough.  We all have our own issues to move through.  For me, it has been having been abused and raped, along with the ramifications of those actions perpetrated against me.  I was that innocent child above and that got stripped away from me.  I chose to run to food to be my friend and bring me to a different place where I didn't have to think and feel.  It then became habit and a way of life for me that is not so simple as putting the fork down.  The weight loss surgery that I will be embarking on is just a tool.  The real work will need to come from within, learning a fresh new way of dealing with boredom, sadness, anger, joy and all the emotions of life.  That, I feel, is the real challenge for me.  Yet, I know I need to talk about it and bring it out of the shadows and into the light.  So, here I am shining the sun on it.