Seriously, don't do what I did

I don't like using the word stupid.  It's a mean word, especially for those in this world that have been called that in their life.  However, I have no other word to use to describe what I did today.  It really was stupid. It was stupid squared.

Last night, I decided to go to bed late and took Ambien before falling asleep so that I could do so using my CPAP machine.  I'm still struggling being able to sleep with that darn thing.  I haven't given up on it, though.  I actually called the doctor, who's a sleep specialist, for help today.  I knew, though, that it would probably make me wake up later, which it did.  I did manage to get a few hours on the machine though.  Yay for that.  Because I woke up later, I was pretty hungry so I had a protein shake right away.  I've been trying to replace 1-2 of my meals with protein shakes in preparation for surgery and to continue to lose weight leading up to the surgery.  I then decided to run some errands.  While I was out, I was a good distance away from home and was ready for lunch.  If I waited until I got home, it would have been about 3 p.m. before I had anything to eat so I decided to stop somewhere for food.  And where did I stop, you're wondering?  Well, of course the healthiest place I could go ... Panda Express.

I told you, stupid decision.  I love Chinese food and, really, this isn't really good stuff, it's just fast and convenient food that I guess could pass for Chinese for the less discerning out there.  What I ordered was fried, coated with sugar in the form of sauce and a carbohydrate lover's dream.  I can't even tell you what my thought process was while doing this to be quite honest.  Maybe it's because my food has been super clean and I felt like I needed a "reward".  Maybe it's because I'm having surgery in a month or two and I'm feeling like I need to eat it while I can.  I just don't know, but it was a horrible decision on my part.

As soon as I got home, I wasn't feeling very good.  Ya think?  My tummy is not used to this stuff anymore.  I kind of felt sick to my stomach.  I also could feel my body reacting and knew my blood sugar was probably elevated.  That's a freaking understatement.

I did a double-take when I saw that number and went into a little bit of a panic.  Then I immediately went into my fridge and pulled my insulin out to inject into my body to bring that number down.  After eating, it should be around 140-160 at the most.  I knew I needed to continue bringing it down so I worked out hard when it was safe to do so (you shouldn't exercise when it's too high).  I was dripping with sweat, somehow trying to negate what I did.

After that, I logged everything into MyFitnessPal so that I could keep myself honest.

That lunch alone was 1,350 calories.  If I had the entire serving of chow mein noodles, it would have been even worse.  These are the moments that I get reminded why I am pursuing weight loss surgery.  Clearly I'm going to have to continue changing my relationship around food since surgery is just a tool.  It is not going to fix the part in my head that gravitates towards certain foods or overeating.   The only thing it will do will prevent me from having large quantities of food in one sitting. I'm keeping it real here, though, because we're as sick as our secrets.  Was it worth it?  Absolutely not.  I pray I remember how I felt today the next time I feel obligated to indulge. Panda Express ... are you serious Kathy??