Only as old as you feel

I went in to work today, but I think with all of the talking I did yesterday in addition to the class I had last night, it really set my healing back and I actually felt worse today than I did yesterday so I ended up listening to the girls at work and went home.  That was the best thing for me because the only talking I did today was through texts that people would send me through my phone.

As I was watching some TV and sitting with my two kitties, who love to snuggle with me when I'm not feeling well, I was thinking about having another birthday.  One thing I caught myself doing on my birthday yesterday was saying that I'm old now.  Really, that's not true at all and I don't know why I was doing that.  Sure, I'm no longer carded to see if I'm legal to drink, but I'm by no means headed to a retirement home anytime soon.  I sometimes get in this "the sky is falling" mode if things aren't in the exact place I would like them in my life.  By this age, I had envisioned myself married with children and it sometimes is hard to wrestle with the fact that it isn't the case right now.  I know plenty of people who will tell me that being married with children is no bed of roses either and they might even prefer being single.  The grass always does seem greener on the other side though, doesn't it? 

With all the medical challenges I have had in the last several months, coupled with the extreme weight loss, I suppose I'm in an identity crisis of sorts.  Tonight I was going through some boxes with some of my old clothes in them.  I held up pants that were in the biggest size I used to wear and compared them to the body I'm in now.  I remember times when I would be busting out of some of those clothes and I know all of those clothes would not stay on me today because they're just way too big.  Yet, somehow, there is some sort of safety in those clothes that I just can't quite describe in words.  Not a positive safety necessarily, but being in a place where I used to wear them is comfortable.  Not wearing them and wearing smaller clothes is very uncomfortable.  Yet, in order to keep moving forward, I need to let those clothes go.  I've written on this blog a couple of times of needing to get rid of my clothes, yet they've been sitting in boxes.  I finally took action and made arrangements for the Salvation Army to come and pick up the boxes, as well as other items I want to donate [can you believe it, Z?].  So they'll be coming out to the house on December 26th since I'll be working up until the week before Christmas and I would like to be here to get a receipt from them of whatever is donated since I can itemize it on my taxes.  This way it gives me a couple of weeks to get everything in boxes that I want out of here, put them in my garage and then be ready to let it all go.  It really is time to let it all go, done so with a lot of peace and no anxiety.  This is about me moving forward and the constant reminders of where I used to be every single day in the house keeps me in that space mentally. 

It does appear I am a grown up after all!