Why I haven't posted in a few days

I have been sick!  Terrible coughing, wheezing, sneezing, fever ... just yuck.  Even my cats meow at me when I get in a coughing spurt.  So, against what I really want to do, I have been staying put in my house to get better.  I have to go back to work on Monday after two weeks off so I'm trying to be in the best shape I can.  I know if I'm not feeling better by then, I can stay home but I complete have cabin fever.  I went out this morning to get more chicken soup because I just wanted to see the sunshine.  I could have called someone, I have a few friends that live nearby, but I wanted to feel like a human being for a few minutes.  Between that and checking my mail, I felt incredibly winded.  It's so hard when you feel bad and still have to deal with the issues of being overweight - it makes things a lot more painful.

Speaking of being overweight, I have a person I was a friend with on Facebook that constantly put in posts about "stop being fat and lazy ... get off the couch and move" or "I don't get why fat people can't just eat better and put the fork down".  In fact, she talks about nothing else.  She had gained some weight while she was pregnant, nothing more than about 30 pounds with each pregnancy and now has this holier than thou attitude because she was able to lose it.  So I finally hit the unfriend button.  I was sick and tired of her being so judgmental about something she doesn't know.

Yes, we all have weight issues, but there are some, like me, that this is so much more than calories in/calories out.  I think most people reading my blog know what I'm talking about.  There are deeper issues at play here than just choosing that food over this one, exercising these many days to burn these many calories, or having to lose 30 pounds versus 200 pounds.  What about the person that feels compelled to eat the whole bag or container?  What about a person that has a "relationship" with food because it comforts them, just like alcohol and drugs does to other sorts of addicts?  I finally said to myself, "Enough!"  I just don't need toxic people in my life.

In a few weeks, I will be starting the pre-op classes for my gastric bypass surgery.  I ordered a few books off of Amazon to learn more about other people's experiences in an in-depth way (love, love, love Amazon by the way - got one of my books for a penny).  There is a lot online about gastric bypass, but I wanted some deep info about how they cope with having surgery, how they deal with the massive amount of weight that is lost and especially about the emotional feelings that will undoubtedly surface.  Several of my friends have been urging me to turn my blog into a book one day about my experiences.  After reading these books, I can completely see how that might be possible.  It seems a lot easier than I had imagined it would be.  I'm not saying I will write the book, but never say never!

The true definition of love

You may have noticed that I have a LOT of links to other bloggers on my blog.  Some are doing Optifast like I am for their weight loss, while some are doing it through other methods.  Regardless, I get so much from the journey of everyone who walks along the path to good health like I am.  I can't read all the blogs every single day, but I do try to keep up, comment when I can and reflect on the writings and experiences of others.

Yesterday I read a completely fabulous, beautiful and inspiring post from Jennifer over at It Sux to be Fat.  She talked about the love between she and her husband, referencing 1 Corinthians 13:4.  Even if you're not a Christian, you've probably heard the verse a million times at weddings.  "Love is patient, love is kind ..."  But one thing that she said that hit me square between the eyes was to have us think about whether or not we show ourselves this kind of love.  I have not been able to stop thinking about it since reading the post last night (if you haven't read it yet, seriously, click on the link above and read it - it'll hit home). 

As I lose more and more weight, as I become more present in this world, I am faced with the task of accepting myself as I am - right here and right now.  That means accepting my excess skin that is showing because of the weight loss, my imperfections as being wholly perfect in God's eyes and, essentially, loving myself unconditionally where I stand right in the moment.  As I was reflecting on the verse and my response to it, I realized I am way too hard on myself.  Way. Too. Hard.  I'm going to repost that verse and those associated with it below and then break it down in a way to help me see where I can continue growing.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8:  "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails."

So the questions I am asking myself are these as I look at how I show myself this kind of love ...

Am I patient with myself?
Am I kind towards myself?
Am I jealous of others?
Do I brag about myself?
Am I arrogant?
Do I act unbecomingly?
Am I self-seeking?
Am I easily provoked?
Do I not take into account wrongs I have suffered?
Do I celebrate the truth?
Do I believe positive things about myself?
Do I have hope in myself?
Do I have hope in others?
Do I endure?
Do I see myself as a failure?

Looking at this list of questions, I am attempting to be as honest with myself as I can possibly be.  I have a long way to go.  This in no way minimizes the road I've already traveled, but it also helps me see that I need to keep staying the course on this road.  There are reasons people overeat or partake in some other sort of addiction.  It is my charge to do things differently in my life.  Do I need to seek comfort and solace in a bag of chips or scoop of ice cream?  Of course not.  Yet, those things are an easier method of escape than dealing with why I am sometimes not kind towards myself, why I am jealous of things other people have, of why I tell myself lies about the sort of person I believe myself to be and so much more.  I am absolutely my own worst critic, convincing myself of things far worse than anything else someone might lay on me.  I am certainly not patient and I am not kind towards myself.  However, I also am starting to see the things other people see in me.  I do have a good heart, I am a loving person and I have a lot I contribute to this world.  I just get to keep working on finding a meeting point between the worst ideas I have about myself and the reality of who I am.  It seems so much easier to believe the worst about ourselves than the best.

In what ways do you show yourself love?