The idea of mindfulness

Today I had a group appointment my therapist scheduled for me and I didn't know what it was for as I walked in.  She had suggested a couple of Kaiser groups I could get involved with since I have been feeling anxious about the upcoming gastric bypass, especially since my pre-op classes ended last week.  I thought that was a great idea, so I told her I was pretty much up for whatever she suggested.  After checking in, I was led, along with about eight other people, into a dimly lit room with chairs in a circle and a bright white candle in the middle on the ground.  It was very soothing, but quite inviting.  The facilitator explained this group was about mindfulness.  I'd like to share a little background on this, explained by the therapist in a much better way than I can:

Mindfulness is a way to pay attention, without judgement, to what is going on in each moment with a a stance of curiosity and compassion.  It is a state of being present in the here and now; being in the moment, being in your body; not being on autopilot.  This sounds simple, but with all the things competing for our attention, being still and quieting the mind, body, and spirit can seem almost impossible.  Creating stillness, calmness, and peace within, is an art to be cultivated and the practice of mindfulness provides the mentoring and guidance to settle down.  When you are creating healthy habits in your life and letting go of those that no longer serve you, Mindfulness is a beautiful way to guide you along your journey.  It is like having a gentle coach instructing you how to achieve your fullest potential with love and compassion.  Mindfulness can do all of the following:

• Reduce stress
• Improve immune function
• Enhance appreciation and gratitude
• Greater acceptance of self and others
• Improve positive decision making
• Calm the mind
• Improve focus and concentration
• Help manage physical and emotional pain
• Create inner peace and feelings of joy
• Reduce reactivity and help us control our responses
• Retrain the brain to think more positively
• Decrease anxiety and depression
• Improve disordered eating habits

As you can imagine, if you've been reading my blog for any period of time, I was glad I was attending this group.  We started out by each one of us saying something we are grateful for right here, now, today.  Then the first exercise was to get us centered and focused on our breathing.  After doing that for a few minutes, we had some discussion then went into a second exercise.  This one was about total body relaxation and letting go.  I closed my eyes as the therapist guided us through an absolutely phenomenal experience.  She had us focus on parts of our bodies and move them or feel them mentally ... feel your feet planted on the floor in your shoes and now wiggle your toes, feel the bones in your ankles and how they support your legs, on up until we reached our heads.  She then had us take the parts of our bodies that were full of tension or pain and let that tension and pain go in our minds while we focused on the in and out breathing of our bodies.  As we continued to listen to her instruction and focused on our breathing, she had us each think about someone we wanted to offer compassion and think positive thoughts for them.  We thought about their happiness, peace and love.  Then she turned it around and told us to now take those feelings of compassion and bring them back inward toward ourselves, without judgement, but pure love, just as we would extend for another human being.  

An amazing thing happened for me ... as we were breathing and focusing on relaxation and the release of anxiety, stress or whatever ails us, I couldn't feel the chronic physical pain that I live with every day in my back and left leg.  While I was doing the mindfulness exercises and my focus was on peace, it was as if the pain left me.  That does not mean it went away, but my mind was not centered on it as it usually is.  I really did feel peace, even when it came to compassion towards myself.  

I absolutely loved the experience of this mindful meditation.  I can go every week if I so choose and I have decided that I will do precisely that, especially leading up to my surgery.  She gave us handouts, some even with scripts, to practice during the week.  The goal is to do it for a few minutes each day and I'm definitely going to do that.  The feeling of peace and being centered was really incredible and I hope to get to a point where I can find that more often through these exercises.

I find it ironic that my decision to pursue bariatric surgery has given me so many wonderful benefits.  Obviously it's leading towards better physical health, but also emotional and spiritual health as well.  My pre-op classes focused a bit on the surgery and how to eat before and afterwards, but they spent more time on other issues such as self-esteem, courage, healing and so much more.  I met some wonderful people that have become dear friends in the process.  I feel like the path I'm on is the right one for me.  It feels deep all around and I like that.

Alright, I'm feeling anxious

On Tuesday, I had an appointment with my therapist.  Right now I have been seeing her every 3-4 weeks or so.  We talked a lot about what I can only describe as anxiousness with the surgery coming up.  When I think about what's going to happen inside of me, I get nervous.  Of course the gastric bypass is a much more invasive surgery  but I think I would still feel the same way with the vertical sleeve since they cut out a portion of your stomach and actually remove it from your body.  Either way, it's major surgery.  I am not rethinking having the surgery.  I am definitely going to have it, but I am just feeling all of these emotions around it.  Part of me is saying, "Look at what you have to do in order to lose weight ... you did this to yourself."  The other part of me says, "What if, after all the work the surgeon does, you still don't lose weight or manage to put more on?"  I am not trying to be negative, but I guess it's just fear that I'm feeling.  This scares me in some ways and excites me in others.

Another thing the therapist and I talked about is my fear of heights.  I know I've described it here before, but it feels like it has gotten worse over time.  We delved into that a little more and I discovered that, for me, it's not necessarily about the height but the fear of falling.  I have been associating these things with my weight.  When I get on a bridge, I wonder if it can support my body, never mind that cars drive on bridges or other people are walking there, too.  It's completely not rational to think this way, but it ties into my body image.  My therapist feelings I have anxiety going on, which I do agree with.  She told me she'd like to see me every two weeks leading up to surgery.  I'm glad she suggested that because I actually was going to ask to see her more.

On Wednesday, I went to listen to another talk given by one of our surgeons at Pacific Bariatric.  It was given by another surgeon, so it was a different perspective.  He discussed some of the same things and some different things than the previous surgeon.  One of the things he said absolutely freaked me out in regards to patients who have sleep apnea and are on CPAP machines.  He said that we must use the machine for at least two months prior to surgery.  If I don't wake up from surgery, the machine will do the breathing for me.  However, if I'm not regulated with the use of air and the air from the surgery goes into my stomach, it can actually blow my stomach apart.

I have been struggling to sleep on that darn CPAP.  The sleep specialist had prescribed me with Ambien to help me sleep.  When I take it without the machine, I'm out.  When I take it and then put on the CPAP, I can never fall asleep, so I end up very groggy with no sleep.  My problem is that when I try to sleep on my back or side, I will start to fall asleep and then I wake up.  I don't know if it's because I stop breathing or start snoring.  The doctor has told me that the pressure on my machine should prevent that from happening and there are no adjustments he can do that will make things any different.  In fact, he has told me he believes it to be psychological.  Up to that point, I felt it was completely a physical issue - I can't fall asleep with the machine, end of story.  I never considered that it would be an emotional response to the machine.  I do have an appointment with the sleep specialist, but it's not until late September and I can't get one any sooner.

The other night, I decided to give the machine a go again, to no avail.  I was almost in tears because I was tired and so desperately want to be able to sleep with the machine.  I don't have a problem wearing the mask.  Occasionally I will have to adjust the positioning, but I'm fine with breathing as it lays on my face.  Yesterday I decided to call my psychiatrist.  I have a psychiatrist?  Yes, I do and there's absolutely no shame behind that for me.  I went to see her a year or so ago because I was going through what turned out to be a clinical depression.  That was when I started therapy as well.  After everything I have been through in the last several years, let alone other years, I needed to ask for help.  That's something that is very difficult for me to do but I knew I needed it.  When I made the call to her yesterday, I described what was going on between the CPAP machine and the anxiousness around the surgery, wanting to see if there's anything she can do or prescribe to help me through this.  It's very difficult being tired all the time.  The reason I take as many naps as I do is because I can't sleep very well at night.  I'm waiting to hear back from her to see how I can move forward.    I tried the machine again last night and had the same results so, after trying for several hours, I finally took it off so that I could at least get some sleep.  I know the best thing I can do is to take things one day at a time.  My mind has already gone to the thought, "If I can't fall asleep with the machine, does that mean I won't be able to get surgery?"  This is precisely why I have to take things one day at a time instead of projecting into the future.