Practicing mindfulness, fitness test and a new spot

I'm not doing great on posting more often.  I need to work on that because it is always so therapeutic when I do writing.  Since last I posted, I have been practicing mindfulness meditations as I mentioned in my last post.  It's amazing how peaceful and in tune with myself I have become just in this short time doing it (mostly) every day.  The guided meditations really help my mind stay focused.  For those that have Kaiser and want to take the workshop, you just need to participate in an intake appointment through the psychiatry department and then you can request the mindfulness group.  I am going through the list of online guided meditations and posting them on the resources page of my blog as I find some that are worthwhile.  I have found some really fantastic ones.  If you'd like to check them out for yourself, click here to go directly to the page with the list.  I love the "Self-Compassion" ones so far.  The speaker has a soothing, kind voice and I feel so relaxed when I am participating in the exercise.  Feeling peaceful with less anxiety is so amazing and, remarkably, doesn't take that long at all.  I even recorded some meditations in my own voice, following a script we were given in class, on my iPhone using the voice memo feature.  When it's time to meditate, I simply use my earplugs, sit in my meditation spot and within seconds, I'm feeling a lot of peace.  I thought it would be hard for me to meditate using some of the practices because I am not Buddhist, but I have found it works for any religion.  I don't need to lose my Christian roots and beliefs to enjoy the practice.  In fact, if anything, it enhances my spiritual center.

On Thursday, I completed my fitness test.  This was the next step in the process leading towards bariatric surgery.  Given that I normally walk much further on a regular basis than was required in the fitness test, I found it to be probably the easiest part of this journey.  It took about 5-7 minutes, that's all.  So now I am waiting for Positive Choice nurses to put orders in for lab work.  In talking to fellow classmates, they will be running 17 different tests so I'm sure they'll be taking plenty of samples from me.  Almost everyone in my pre-op classes are moving forward with surgery, so it's been great to see them posting their status in our Facebook group as they complete their next tact.

I had a routine diabetic follow-up appointment with my primary care doctor this morning.  She is incredibly supportive of my journey towards surgery and told me she was proud of me for not only making this decision but also hanging in there through the classes I was required to take.  She agrees that the gastric bypass (versus the sleeve) is the better choice for me for long-term success, even if I didn't have diabetes.  I was glancing at the computer screen while she was doing some typing and it has me classified as super morbidly obese.  If I ever forget my bottom line, I must remember that because the decision to move forward with surgery has been completely about quality of life.  Of course I can't wait to wear cute clothes, but my health is the most important.  I did tell her I have a little concern about the malabsportion issues and she shared some interesting info about that in terms of complications.  She's been a doctor with Kaiser for over 25 years and she said that ever since they started doing the bypass laprascopically, they have less incidents of complications and dumping.  She has found that curious because they haven't changed anything with the surgery internally, but doing it that way versus an open surgery has produced better results in terms of fewer complications.  While I was in with her, we were looking at my blood sugar numbers and she did a foot exam.  The foot exam is something all diabetics should do to make sure they don't have cuts on their feet that they're not feeling.  As she was looking at my feet, she asked me how long I've had the mole on my left big toe.  My response to her was, "Are you sure it's not just nail polish?"  I had just painted my toes dark blue the other day so I thought maybe I somehow got some there (it's under my toe near the top, so it's hard to see).  She looked at it closely and she confirmed that it was, in fact, a mole.  I did have a body scan when I went to see my dermatologist a few weeks ago, but we didn't check my feet if I remember correctly.  When I came home today, I checked it more closely and it definitely is a mole.  My doctor is very concerned.  She's the one that spotted my first mole that turned into melanoma three years ago so, of course, that concerned me, too.  She has sent a message over to my dermatologist's office so that we can book an appointment.  I feel biopsy number eight coming on.  I'd rather be safe than sorry, so I will definitely do whatever I need.

I see now why the mindfulness meditations are more timely than ever before.  Finding peace in the middle of anxiety, whether it be about the surgery or the biopsy, is incredibly important for me.  Practice mindfulness folks, it really does make a difference.  Maybe it won't change the outcome of situations, but it does change how I choose to deal with it.

The idea of mindfulness

Today I had a group appointment my therapist scheduled for me and I didn't know what it was for as I walked in.  She had suggested a couple of Kaiser groups I could get involved with since I have been feeling anxious about the upcoming gastric bypass, especially since my pre-op classes ended last week.  I thought that was a great idea, so I told her I was pretty much up for whatever she suggested.  After checking in, I was led, along with about eight other people, into a dimly lit room with chairs in a circle and a bright white candle in the middle on the ground.  It was very soothing, but quite inviting.  The facilitator explained this group was about mindfulness.  I'd like to share a little background on this, explained by the therapist in a much better way than I can:

Mindfulness is a way to pay attention, without judgement, to what is going on in each moment with a a stance of curiosity and compassion.  It is a state of being present in the here and now; being in the moment, being in your body; not being on autopilot.  This sounds simple, but with all the things competing for our attention, being still and quieting the mind, body, and spirit can seem almost impossible.  Creating stillness, calmness, and peace within, is an art to be cultivated and the practice of mindfulness provides the mentoring and guidance to settle down.  When you are creating healthy habits in your life and letting go of those that no longer serve you, Mindfulness is a beautiful way to guide you along your journey.  It is like having a gentle coach instructing you how to achieve your fullest potential with love and compassion.  Mindfulness can do all of the following:

• Reduce stress
• Improve immune function
• Enhance appreciation and gratitude
• Greater acceptance of self and others
• Improve positive decision making
• Calm the mind
• Improve focus and concentration
• Help manage physical and emotional pain
• Create inner peace and feelings of joy
• Reduce reactivity and help us control our responses
• Retrain the brain to think more positively
• Decrease anxiety and depression
• Improve disordered eating habits

As you can imagine, if you've been reading my blog for any period of time, I was glad I was attending this group.  We started out by each one of us saying something we are grateful for right here, now, today.  Then the first exercise was to get us centered and focused on our breathing.  After doing that for a few minutes, we had some discussion then went into a second exercise.  This one was about total body relaxation and letting go.  I closed my eyes as the therapist guided us through an absolutely phenomenal experience.  She had us focus on parts of our bodies and move them or feel them mentally ... feel your feet planted on the floor in your shoes and now wiggle your toes, feel the bones in your ankles and how they support your legs, on up until we reached our heads.  She then had us take the parts of our bodies that were full of tension or pain and let that tension and pain go in our minds while we focused on the in and out breathing of our bodies.  As we continued to listen to her instruction and focused on our breathing, she had us each think about someone we wanted to offer compassion and think positive thoughts for them.  We thought about their happiness, peace and love.  Then she turned it around and told us to now take those feelings of compassion and bring them back inward toward ourselves, without judgement, but pure love, just as we would extend for another human being.  

An amazing thing happened for me ... as we were breathing and focusing on relaxation and the release of anxiety, stress or whatever ails us, I couldn't feel the chronic physical pain that I live with every day in my back and left leg.  While I was doing the mindfulness exercises and my focus was on peace, it was as if the pain left me.  That does not mean it went away, but my mind was not centered on it as it usually is.  I really did feel peace, even when it came to compassion towards myself.  

I absolutely loved the experience of this mindful meditation.  I can go every week if I so choose and I have decided that I will do precisely that, especially leading up to my surgery.  She gave us handouts, some even with scripts, to practice during the week.  The goal is to do it for a few minutes each day and I'm definitely going to do that.  The feeling of peace and being centered was really incredible and I hope to get to a point where I can find that more often through these exercises.

I find it ironic that my decision to pursue bariatric surgery has given me so many wonderful benefits.  Obviously it's leading towards better physical health, but also emotional and spiritual health as well.  My pre-op classes focused a bit on the surgery and how to eat before and afterwards, but they spent more time on other issues such as self-esteem, courage, healing and so much more.  I met some wonderful people that have become dear friends in the process.  I feel like the path I'm on is the right one for me.  It feels deep all around and I like that.