After running around when I finished that exercise, I met another friend for dinner. I had my eating plan in mind when I suggested where we could meet so that I could keep things within a reasonable calorie count. We went to a Mexican place that has a lot of grilled items, so I felt great about going there. I didn't partake in the tortilla chips or order a margarita. Trust me, I wanted a margarita, but I didn't go there. When she got hers, I wasn't even salivating over it. That's a lot of progress for me because I love me a yummy, slushy margarita. For dinner, I ordered a jalapeno barbecue salmon with black beans and roasted veggies. I know, sounds amazing, right? Yes, I took a picture!
I ended up scraping about half of the barbecue sauce off the salmon because it was just too much for me. It was also too much food in general, so I took half of it home.
My friend and I had such a great time together. I had suggested we sit at a table because the whole booth thing makes me nervous ... I'm always afraid that I'm not going to fit. I haven't had the experience yet of that, but I never want to have to deal with this time being the time where it happens. She told the host that we wanted a booth in the back and I decided to just let it go. Thankfully I was able to get in there, although it was a pretty tight fit.
As we were talking about everything under the sun, as girls tend to do, she asked me if I was currently dating anyone. All of a sudden, every insecurity I have about myself came to the surface. I told her no and she asked me why not. I felt like saying, "What do you mean why not ... can't you see what I look like?" She asked me if I was ready to date (after my breakup with my ex-boyfriend) and I told her that I think I am, but many times I just don't feel very attractive at all to men. She looked at me with confusion. I confessed to her that any time one of my friends has called me beautiful or pretty, I silently wonder inside why they would say something like that because I just don't feel like it's true. She sat across from me and told me that I am pretty and I am beautiful. I did thank her for saying that.
So often I just feel almost inhuman. Part of me wonders if things will be better when I'm down to a more normal size and then other part of me says that I have to live the life I have now, not wait for some magical day in the future. So we talked about that for a while. I completely own the fact that I have low self-esteem when it comes to my body image. She suggested that I think about putting myself out there. In our conversation, she mentioned a dating app for my phone that has worked for others she knows and explained the concept a little. I have dated before online, when I was younger and much more reckless. In some ways, dating that way has changed and, in other ways, it's still the same. But you just don't know until you try. I did download the app, although I haven't opened it up yet. It may take me a little while to get the courage up to move forward on it, but at least I'm willing to try. It is a nice way to put myself out there and just see what happens. I am seeing my therapist tomorrow and I think I need to talk about the whole body image thing. It's really time to deal with it so that I feel better about myself as a worthwhile, deserving human being. In many ways, I know that I am a precious child of God. In other ways, I feel like such an unlovable "thing" that children point at in a crowd.
This is my stuff I don't like facing head-on because I have to be honest around those feelings and it's uncomfortable for me. Part of keeping weight on, for many people, is a sense of a protective barrier. If I don't let you in, you can't hurt me. That all goes back to being abused and raped when I was a child. Tack on what my ex-boyfriend did to me, and it's no wonder I'm a little afraid to move towards another relationship. The other side of that, though, is that I want to be in a relationship again. I don't like being alone and I never have. So we shall see what direction I move in. Ugh.
Water Challenge Day 74: Drank 194 of 179 ounces
(I felt like I was going to float away!)
