My week

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I needed some time to just reflect on a very intense week.  Last week I had a weight gain of ten pounds.  It was completely my doing, choosing to pick up food instead of dealing with things that were coming up.  Here's what happened ...

As I have shared before, I have been seeing a therapist and things have been going pretty well.  During the last session, she asked me to think about how she could assist me since I was doing well on Jenny Craig, my medication seems to be really be helping and things seem to be moving forward.  I know I have real issues with food, with going to food to deal with emotions and I so desperately want to break that trend.  I told her I would think about it and I certainly did a lot of thinking.  I don't go to see my therapist solely because being overweight makes me feel sadness.  The reason I chose to seek therapy out was to find healing from the past, how I deal with myself in the present and just to pull the skeletons out of the closet.  I knew I had an upcoming appointment with the therapist and I started picking up food.  I was feeling anxious and just had all these emotions that left me very unsettled.  The food doesn't take those feelings away, but in the moment, I don't think about that.  I think about how good something tastes and it takes me out of the moment.  That is until later when I feel bad having overindulged.  I knew that when I was going to see the therapist again, it would probably get intense because I came to her to heal and part of healing means exposing those things I don't want to expose.  I don't necessarily enjoy talking about having been abused by my mother or having been raped at 13.  Nobody likes to talk about the heavy stuff.  However, those things have had a huge impact on my life in terms of how I deal with myself and with other people and so I have to deal with them if I want to let go of this weight once and for all.

The thing that was causing me to feel anxious is that I knew it was time for me to talk about the thing I never talk about ... men.  I made really stupid choices, did things that I regret highly and put myself in situations that could have gotten me in some serious trouble.  I was in a world of incredible emotional pain after everything that had gone on when I was younger.  And like other women who are raped or abused, I acted out.  Some people might try to take revenge out on others or act out in some other way.  At first I was like a zombie, just going through the motions of life. Then one day I became incredibly promiscuous and didn't care about anyone at the time, least of all me.  I got in relationships that were highly addictive and completely wrong for me.  Through all of that, I was in an incredible self-destruct mode.  Somehow, through all of this, I did meet someone that meant something to me, the one person I fell in love with and we had a relationship for a long time with some breaks in between.  In the end, though, he ended up completely crushing my spirit.  So nowadays I feel very unlovable, ugly and every unpleasant emotion I can when it comes to men.  In my mind, I think I'm going to end up being one of those people who will always be alone watching everyone around her paired up with someone else.  Deep down inside, I think I'm not worth it, that I've done something wrong in my life and that I must just be a horrible person. Yet, somewhere deeper, I know that's not true.  I absolutely know a lot of people love me and care so much about me.  God has forgiven me for the things that I have done, but somehow I'm not able to forgive myself.

With all of this looming in my head and heart, knowing that I was going to talk to the therapist, I just needed to talk to a friend about it first.  There is no one in this world that knows my entire story when it comes to men, from the rape leading up to the present.  Most of the reason for that is complete shame and guilt on my part.  I think if people knew the entire truth, they would judge and hate me.  Probably in the way I have done that to myself.  Even here, on my blog where I can write about absolutely anything, I'm still not exposing the entire details.  Shame and guilt.  So I did sit down with a friend and just spilled my guts.  I told her everything.  I knew she wouldn't judge me.  She was shocked at the things that I admitted to her through my tears, but she listened with such a kind heart towards me.  I told her I wanted to talk to the therapist about all of this because I know it contributes immensely to my staying in the cocoon of a larger body.  After listening to me and asking questions along the way, she told me that I have to forgive myself now. The things that I have done were a long time ago and I'm not the same person now that I was then.  She agreed that I must talk to the therapist about these things so that I can finally start healing and be open to another relationship in the future, one that is healthy and loving.  I knew she was right, but how do I utter the things that I've kept closely guarded for so long?

My appointment with my therapist was this past Monday.  I prayed for the courage to share what was on my heart with her and to not back down.  This is about my healing and so it was what I needed to do.  I ended up telling her my story from beginning to end.  I went through several tissues while telling her everything, but oh my goodness did I feel a million times lighter after having done so.  She also told me it was time to let this all go and to forgive myself.  That made me more emotional than anything and I asked her, "But how do I do that?"  She told me that little girl who was abused and taken advantage of was the voice that had been driving my thoughts for so long, placing some sense of imaginary blame where it didn't belong but I'm no longer that girl.  I'm a caring adult who is intelligent and worthy of the things God has planned for me.  We're working on things I can do to combat the negativity when it comes into my head.  As you can well imagine, this has all been really intense.  However, after I left the therapist's office, something had shifted.  I can't really explain it, but there was a definite determination in me.  I wasn't going to pick up that food any longer, it was like I didn't need to do that.

At my weigh-in on Saturday, I had lost those ten pounds and that felt amazing.  Sara couldn't go walking with me today, so I decided to go to the lake on my own.  The pain in my legs was making it's presence known, but I decided to really push through.  I ended up walking about three and a half miles and burned over a thousand calories.  I really felt awesome and I know I'm doing the work to leads towards a healthier life both physically and emotionally.  I know I have a long way to go, but it has really felt like I made some major strides in the last couple of weeks.  I'm really proud of myself for finding that brave warrior within who may be scared of the battle but fights on anyway.