Treating myself

I decided to reward myself for the weight loss so far.  I have to honor this process and not treat it like it's no big deal because it most definitely is a big deal.  At the same time, I also need to not focus on food-related rewards.  Many wonderful people have been giving me clothes, so I have a huge wardrobe of varying sizes, just waiting for my body to catch up.  I've gone down from a size 32 to a 24, even if my head doesn't recognize that fact yet.  I was stuck in a 32 for a very long time, seeming to only go up and not down.  So I didn't think I needed to buy any clothes. 

As many of you know, I'm a walker.  That's how I get my exercise in and I love listening to music as I hit the pavement.  It gets me really moving out there, almost jogging.  Who knows, in time I may do that but I'm not there yet.  I have a little MP3 player that I've had for several years and always wanted an iPOD.  So that's what I went out and bought myself today, an orange iPOD Shuffle just like you see here.  This thing is so tiny but I already love it.  In fact, I went exercising this morning before I bought it and now I want to go out again just so that I can strut down the street listening to music on it.  I wonder what fun thing I can do for myself after the next hundred pounds are gone ;-)

The biopsy

I went in yesterday and met with the endocrinologist regarding the cyst on my thyroid.  This was at a Kaiser office I had never been to before.  Before I started losing weight, I'd always worry about sitting in a chair with arms for fear I wouldn't fit.  The waiting room at this location had large seats and small ones.  Since there were so many people waiting for appointments besides me, the only seats open were the smaller ones.  Gulp, here I go!  Of course, I fit perfectly fine with room to spare.  I think my head needs to catch up with reality a little bit better, seriously.

Meeting with the endocrinologist was interesting.  First, he told me that the size of my cyst was not a grapefruit but a little lemon.  That was pretty shocking.  He showed me how to feel for it in my neck.  I have to admit that I probably would have never felt it before losing some weight, which was an eye-opening experience.  He gave me three options:

1. Do nothing and come back in a year to check on the growth of the cyst.
2. Wait six months and then re-test.
3. Have a biopsy done to rule out cancer.

After having melanoma last year, which is a rather deadly form of cancer, I opted to have the biopsy done.  If I do have cancer, I don't want it growing in my body.  He did tell me that, if it is cancer, it spreads very slowly and is highly treatable with surgery.  So, I laid back while he took a machine out to tell him where he would need to stick the needle in.  He said, based on what he could see, it looks benign but only the pathology report from the biopsy will tell us for sure.  The funny part (if there is one!) is, after he was done numbing the area, he told me I couldn't swallow while he had the needle in my neck.  And I tell you what, after he said that each time, all I wanted to do was swallow!  I guess if someone tells you no, then you want to do it. 

So he went into my neck four times.  He is going to be out of town for two weeks, but I can call his office in a week and they will tell me over the phone the results.  Some good news, though, is that I got weighed in and I am officially down 103 pounds.  Hooray!  I'll post a picture under the picture section here on my blog (just look for the link at the top of the screen).  For those of you who know me on Facebook, you've already seen the picture.  The difference is pretty noticeable, though, especially if you compare it to my first picture at the body assessment.  I just am so grateful that I am on this journey and seeing tangible results.  Sometimes I feel like skipping ;-)

Clothes mocking you in the closet

If you're anything like me, you have a closet full of clothes of varying sizes.  Of course, there are the clothes that fit you now, the clothes that you "almost" fit into, those that you aspire to fit into one day and, perhaps, the occassional item that is a little too big that you keep around for those "just in case times".  As I have been losing weight, I have been working hard at being diligent about getting rid of clothes that I no longer need to hang onto.  I don't intend on gaining the weight back, so why leave clothes around that would lend to that?  I do have one outfit I have kept, which is the one that I did my body assessment in, the biggest size I've ever worn.  I just need to always remember where I came from.

So tonight, I was going through my closet because I've got a few items in there that I've always had stashed in the corner that were a dream to get into ... the things that I couldn't get halfway up my leg or barely over my head that had no hope of ever buttoning or zipping.  I am happy to report that tonight, everything in my closet either fits or is too big no me.  Some things, in fact, didn't even get any wearing time because they went from too small on me to way too big without even seeing the light of day.  This is just utterly amazing, that's all I can say.  I sometimes wonder how on God's green earth this is happening.  All I know is that it is!  Grateful doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling. 

A gift for me

I decided to  listen to my body and am staying home again today from work to get better.  That's so unlike me, but here's to taking better care of myself!  Speaking of that, here's an update as to what's been developing on the cancer front.  As I mentioned a while ago, there were some MRI's done on me in which they discovered a cyst on my thyroid.  The doctor told me I needed to see my family doctor right away because it might be cancerous.  Having had a different kind of cancer last year, that alarmed me, of course.  I contacted my primary care doctor and had an ultrasound done.  Her office then contacted me and told me the next step was to make an appointment with an endocrinologist to see what's going on with the cyst.  When I spoke with that office, they said the soonest available appointment was on June 15th.  I was willing to drive anywhere in San Diego County, but they said that was the best they could do.  In terms of the results of the ultrasound, I would need to contact my primary care doctor 5-7 days after having completed that test.  So, when it was time, I contacted her and she told me that, unfortunately, she cannot determine if it is cancer from the ultrasound alone.  That is why I am to see the endocrinologist because he will be doing a physical examination, perhaps even sticking a needle in to complete a biopsy to see what's going on in addition to the ultrasound. 

I then became frustrated because, although I have not been sitting here obsessing about it, having to wait five weeks to find out if I even have cancer, let alone have treatments if it is, was starting to tear at my insides.  I happened to mention it to my Optifast counselor last night and he advised me to call Member Services and fight.  Tell them that I want a sooner appointment because there's a suspicion of cancer.  So thought to myself, "Okay Kathy, you're a fighter when your back's to the wall.  Fight!"  I got on the phone to Member Services, got directed to internal medicine, and told the lovely woman on the phone my plight.  My voice broke up as I told her I might have cancer and, after having it last year, it was too much to bear to have to sit and wait to see a doctor.  I told her I would drive anywhere I had to at any time to see an endocrinologist.  She said, "Okay, let me see what I can do, honey."  She gasped when she looked up the appointments because they literally just received a cancellation for an appointment this Thursday morning at 10:30.  The next appointment would have been my original one that was already scheduled.

I thanked her profusely, hung up the phone and cried.  Were they tears of joy because I can see a doctor sooner?  Partly.  The real reason is I felt God's loving hand over me, yet again.  I ask for His help so much in my life - to give me peace, comfort, joy, grace and so much more.   It feels like a gift, made especially for me.

Weekly weigh-in

I stayed home from work today, feeling sick as a dog.  I did end up going to my Optifast class tonight, but that was a huge mistake because I was doubled over in pain the whole time and ended up leaving early.  Good news is, though, that I have lost another 7 pounds for a grand total of 98.5.  Yahoo!  Even though I'm not feeling well, that definitely got my attention.  I'm feeling so grateful, beyond words really. 

I am debating on whether I not I continue to take care of myself and stay home from work tomorrow or be like a crazy person and go in.  I'm just so busy at work, but I'm also feeling pretty miserable right now.  I can't sit up without lots of pain - what good am I going to be at work?  I'm thinking that if I'm not feeling better by the morning, I might see if I can get in to see the doctor.  Being doubled over in pain is never a good thing.  Going to climb back into bed now!

Feeling it deeply

On Saturday nights, I go to the contemporary service at my church.  It's more my speed than the classic services on Sunday mornings.  I like to be able to wear jeans and flip flops if I want to and there are a lot of younger people there.  I was looking foward to going to church tonight.  It's the first weekend of the month, so I know we were going to take communion.  I have permission from my Optifast clinic to take that tiny piece of a cracker and sip of grape juice that stand in the place of bread and wine.  But that's not why I was looking forward to communion.  I always feel close to God, but especially when participating in this activity.

As we began church tonight, there were some songs we sung that talked about how amazing God's love for us is and about how He saves.  By the time the communion items were being passed around, I was in a place of such incredible gratitude.  Since we wait to take the two items together as a church, I closed my eyes and prayed.  Some people do that, while others sing along to whatever the band is playing.  As I closed my eyes, I thought about how much God was blessing my life at that very moment.  I was wearing jeans that I literally could not get past my hips maybe a month ago.  I was wearing a belt that is only about 4-6 weeks old and it's so big on me now that I'm on the last hole.  I sat in that pew, feeling so humble.  A miracle has happened in my life.  At the beginning of February, three short months ago, I weighed 417 pounds.  And I felt awful about myself in every way possible.  I think I was feeling hopeless, yet I knew the numbing sensation food was giving me just wasn't working any more.  A multitude of awful events in my life helped me get there and me not really talking about them enough to other people didn't help matters.  I hit a bottom like I had never hit before.  I'm not saying I was suicidal or anything remotely close to that, not at all.  But I know I was feeling depressed and sad, yet putting on a stupid, fake smile so people wouldn't know what was going on.  Who was I kidding, though? 

So, as I held the communion items in my hands and I had my head bowed in prayer, I became absolutely overwhelmed with gratitude for the saving grace of God.  I could feel the tears filling my eyes as I had them closed.  I wondered if they would spill over when I eventually opened my eyes, but I let it go and just spent a few minutes telling God how much I love Him and thanking Him for saving my life.  I know He's not done yet, but just in that moment, He was in my heart in such a profound way.  I almost can't put it into words.  Finally, when I opened my eyes, the tears did spill over.  I was crying so much as I looked down at my legs, unable to lift my head all the way up into the regular position, that tears were dropping onto the upper leg area of my jeans like raindrops on dry pavement.  I found a tissue, but as I wiped my eyes, more tears would appear.  I sit near the front of a large church and I was aware that many people were watching me cry, but I really lost their presence.  Besides the pastor and God, everyone else was gone.  I let the tears continue to come until they were done coming. 

I felt so lifted, in a way I didn't think human beings could experience.  There is no battle of wills between me and the Optifast program.  I am not trying to sneak food, not even a little bit.  There is a peace about me when it comes to following the guidelines of the program, not questioning every little thing I need to do.  When I exercise, it is out of the joy of taking care of my body, not how many calories I can burn.  The pounds are absolutely melting off my body and I am not doing anything at all to sabotage that process.  I am simply letting go of the old me, guilty of making horrible choices around food.  More than the food and the whole weight loss process, I have found pure joy in God's love for me.  That's where the tears were coming from.  I made eye contact with the pastor and I could see he was feeling joy for me from where he was.  I have lost an amazing amount of weight in such a short period of time, but I have gained so much more.

Made for walking

The changes that have come over me in the last few months are pretty amazing.  Sometimes I will look in the mirror as I walk by one and hardly recognize myself.  That's not a bad thing.  I can see the pounds just dripping off my body, clothes that had no hope of fitting before now hang loose and people smile at me a lot more.  The latter part could be because I'm smiling at them more, hard to say.  Here's another weird one ... I started looking online tonight for local San Diego 5K events to participate in this year.  I know, I know ... weird.  This from a girl who just a few months ago would get winded after a few blocks, sadly.  Now, I can't wait to get out there and walk. 

Coronado Bridge, San Diego

Years ago, when I was losing serious weight before, I routinely particpated in 5K's.  I did things like walked over the Coronado Bridge here in San Diego, jogged in the rain during a Susan G. Komen breast cancer walk and just really was happy to do all of it.  Inside of me has always been a healthy, athletic girl who wants to participate in life more, who wants to take good care of her body.  I actually like the exercise and feel so good when I take care of myself. Actually, that's not true ... I know exactly what happened to me.  Food was a way of coping with things that might have been too difficult to talk about or even face.  Now I'm excited about the journey ahead of me. 

I've been looking at the walks coming up this year and I already see some I want to participate in.  There's one in particular that I didn't even know existed that I know in my heart I will be doing, which is a walk to find a cure for melanoma.  Given I am a melanoma cancer survivor from just last year, that speaks to my heart.  A lot of the 5K's are for worthy causes, but you bet I am going to be out there joining in the fight for something that is near and dear to me.  I'm pretty sure they have a diabetes one as well.  If you haven't figured it out already, I'm excited about throwing my hat back in the 5K ring!